Author: zeronom

The New God, The New Path, The New Stars

When I was in heaven (within my inner matrix), most of the people I saw were African-American, and I think I know why now. Through the merging of West African spirituality with Christian deities in the United States over the last 400 years, a new syncretic faith has emerged. The God of Abraham was changed by interfacing with new energies and new modes of worship. I fully believe that Black, American Christianity with its fiery preachers (shamans), gospel participatory music (ecstatic ritual), and non-violent resistance of injustice (yoga) a new faith has emerged.

It is now being spread on dance floors by people like Prince, David Bowie, and James Brown. It is being demonstrated in non-violent protests of the horrible conditions of the poor, maligned, and the victims of racism. No, it’s not the “devil music,” and Black Lives Matter isn’t a satanic organization. They are practicing the new language of the old Christian God, Yahweh/Abba.

White, Evangelical ministry steals some of these aspects from Black Abrahamic Neo-Judaism (my word for the new religion), but does not fully embrace the new faith as a whole. It tries to blend old modalities with the new. The only way to worship the new God is to embrace the new, as Bowie and Prince did. I mention these two individuals because I have met both of them in my astral travels, and they pop into my consciousness occasionally now and show up in my music composition. David Bowie is the new Saint Peter. Prince is far too coy to fill that role. He appears in my consciousness more like the Cheshire Cat, but quite warm and kind as well.

God has retired his Abba self that was communicated by Jesus and the early Christians to the quite violent and dominating people of their time. The God of the Now celebrates the queer, funky, multi-lateral, and detached. The God of the Now is a home as well. God has an equal wife and a family and has many transgender, queer, black, and impoverished children. Truly, the last have become first as Jesus predicted, but it is still in process. The future is queer, brown, kinetic, and just.

Christianity as it has been practiced for the last 2,000 years is expired. This is why people are looking to saviors like Donald Trump. Trump is the anti-Christ, but it is not the fire and brimstone, flames from the sky version Christians have been expecting. It’s just that the rules have changed, and so the people practicing what is left of Christianity are not connected to God anymore and have no idea of how to judge reality. This happened in ancient Rome when Ceasar essentially became a savior figure to the people, who were feeling the new Christian water energy, but did not yet understand it.

The new goal is to become a rock star, or a Blackstar as Bowie put it. Don’t look to saviors, save yourself through the new path, as forged in the last few hundred years first by African Americans and later adopted by individuals of all races in the 20th century. I did it through dissociatives, music, and fighting to be my inner self above all. What is your path?

Within each of us is a Builder and a Checker. How balancing these forces can improve your flow.

In life, there is a Builder and a Checker in each of us.

The Builder loves creating new stuff and moving forward. They get really bored when there is nothing to fix, create, or build. Life wouldn’t get anywhere without the Builder that lives within each of us.

The Checker loves looking backward and optimizing. They get really bored without getting to see if what the Builder created is worth keeping or if it can be improved. They can prune back and tear down what the Builder builds if needed.

We all have varying levels of the Builder and the Checker within us. Some of us have 60% Builder and 40% Checker. Some of us have the opposite. People who are Builder dominant still have a ton of Checker in them. There is no such thing as a 100% Builder or a 100% Checker person. We are all each a unique ratio of Builder to Checker energy.

Some people say that all males are Builders and all females are Checkers. Well, there might be a higher ratio of Checker to Builder in women. But there are a TON of women who are Builder dominant people. Conversely, there are a TON of Checker dominant people born male. Although there may be a loose correlation between birth gender and being Builder or Checker dominant, it is not a rule. Trying to reduce Builder to Male and Checker to Female will end in disaster for a community. Exceptions must be made for outliers will be sacrificed for the sake of simplicity of model.

And also, the amount of Checker or Builder in a person is changing from day to day and year to year. Living is complicated, and we have a forward and a reverse gear for a very good reason. If we are only building but not checking, we are driving blind. If we are only checking but not building, we never start anything new. There is a natural cycle of Building and Checking built into our reality. We go through cycles of Building and Checking on many different levels, simultaneously.

When I was in the closet, living as a male, I was often forced to participate in builder activities when I really wanted nothing to do with them. After I transitioned, I probably overcompensated by leaning towards the checker side of things. But now, because I stopped legislating how I should be, I feel like I have a pretty good balance for me. But I can still take way too long to get posts and songs out the door. Too much checking, I’m sure!

My ten-year psychedelic journey up the mountain towards God has finally come to an end, and I’m right back at the bottom where I started

Ten years ago I began using the dissociative drug DXM on a semi-regular basis as a means of controlling my fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome. It was helpful in lowering my fatigue and pain level. But soon it started to draw me into a deeper world of my subconscious and unconscious self, challenging my perceptions of what is real and what is possible. I posted on here back in 2017, I believe, about how DXM changed my being.

However, recently, I have received the message that I have “graduated” from that world, and I need to stay on Earth from now on, and leave certain drugs behind, lest I become totally insane. I generally refer to the voice or logos in my head as my conscience. I think that is the closest term that describes what I experience outside of the word daimon or communicator.

Over the last ten years, I have developed a method of psychedelic aided active imagination similar to Carl Jung’s or Rudolf Steiner’s approach, but utilizing dissociative tools like DXM, Ketamine, or high dose THC extract. After years of working with my imagination, I grew to develop relationships with entities and beings in that realm. I developed a language of images, phrases, and songs that allowed me to discern what was being communicated. My conscience would use these repeat phrases or images to communicate some meaning. This technique was also combined with zen meditation, daoist internal alchemy, creative play, divination, group ritual, sigil creation, live performance, and many other techniques of spiritual development.

As an aside, I want to assert that although I tend to refer to the entities I encountered as other than myself, they themselves said they prefer to be called the unconscious rather than God. But this term is interchangeable generally with God or divinity. However, I can accept if they are only within myself OR they are in some sort of collective unconscious that includes other people. I tend towards the latter, but it does not really matter to me. They exist within my consciousness, as all of my experience technically does. I’ve never experienced anything that was not my brain’s representation of something “outside” of myself, so the preference our society displays for “external” or “objective” reality is mostly just bias in my opinion.

So anyway, I have been working with this realm for a decade or so. I developed a new form of energy manipulation whereby I am able to draw energy up from the earth, to propel myself upward. It is difficult to communicate this energetic technique because it is part “real” in that I can feel my body vibrating with energy when I “turn off the jets” so to speak. However, I think that it propels my astral body to a higher plane somehow. All I know is that I have been doing this technique for about 8 years, and from my experience, it seems to have been a key part of my “climbing” the mountain, as I like to put it.

Some part of my journey over the last decade can be described as learning to trust my unconscious/subconscious/dream self. At first, I was roundly terrified of the things that it was telling me. They were so severe and unflinching that I was afraid and tried to run from them. However, I was continually drawn back into this world as if I needed to complete some task. Others have definitely looked at me as if I was partially insane. Just read the comments on the first link I posted lol.

How my bleak life encouraged my spiritual seeking

Part of the explanation for why I was so fixated on the “inner world” was because I was so maligned, alone, and stressed by the bleak nature of my life. Ten years ago, I realized that I was transgender and needed to allow myself to express myself using my natural, expressive, and feminine modes of expression. Finally, I let down after trying to be this male thing that I always felt like I was faking. It was a relief. However, as I found relief, others, including my ex-wife reacted in horror and went to war against me to keep my children from even knowing I exist. They have been successful. Using money and stigma, they destroyed my life and spirit by keeping my beautiful children from me by slandering me as dangerous and “crazy.”

I had to walk alone because rejection jumped out from every corner. I learned to depend on divinity because that was the only reliable thing in my life. And, I was raised in a very religious, evangelical household, and I wanted closure on what to think of Christianity after being so rejected by its modern incarnation. I developed PTSD from the court proceedings and my transition in general. My life spiraled into despair and self-destruction. The suicidal urges that had been with me most of my adult life began to gain more and more prominence in my psyche. I attempted to kill myself multiple times. Eventually, I became homeless and alone, plagued with a really insane chronic disease, rejected by society for coming out as transgender, and totally impoverished with a long absence in my work record. I continued to use DXM because at that point, I had no other means of controlling my chronic fatigue and pain, even though it tipped me into hypomania many times. And I was also trying to escape into that dream world, away from this world of pain and rejection.

I attempted suicide for the last time in January of 2016, but as I neared death, 250 toxic pills in my stomach, slowly shutting down my body, I wrote a suicide note, angrily castigating America and those who had persecuted me. I read the note back to myself, and with death creeping, and the darkness growing, I had an awakening. In a snap, I realized that my suicide note was so childish and angry, and I realized I was not as enlightened or “spiritual” as I thought I was. And I called for an ambulance and recovered after a long hospital stay.

After the hospital, I got into a residential treatment program, in part, because of Obamacare’s Medicaid expansion. And I was able to take four months to get my wits back, stop taking DXM and alcohol, and work on getting a job again. Honestly, when I got into treatment, I “knew” that I was fixed and the suicidal thoughts were gone. I felt a strange new presence in my heart, and I then started to have new abilities related to my active imagination technique. I stopped using DXM for 9 months and meditated daily, studying numerous techniques for consciousness change. I did find work, and I have been working full time ever since. I have also completed a Master’s degree in Mental Health Counseling since then.

Back to the psychonaut part of the story

Eventually, I started to use DXM again, but soon I started to realize that I was becoming allergic to the drug somehow. I don’t know what I’m allergic to or if my body was just like “enough,” but I had to stop using it daily in 2017. However, because I used so many dissociative psychedelics, my relationship with THC changed forever. Now, when I smoked weed, the high became very introverted and psychedelic. I learned that THC dabs were now more psychedelic than DXM or Ketamine. I shifted to using THC as a primary means of active imagining. And I continued to visit that world in search of something. I suppose I was searching for God. And eventually, I found it.

Over the last year, my trips have become extremely positive and also very intense. I have been informed that I have achieved whatever it is I was there to achieve. I regularly encountered deities such as Jupiter, Saturn, Amun, Yahweh/Abba, and more. I was told that when I die, I will not die and will go to their realm. I have seen my future body being created. I was told that I am anointed by God. I was told that my chief deity is the God of Abraham because he is my ancestral deity. I met a personification of this deity in the form of a large, old, middle eastern looking man with a good sense of humor. I REALLY did not think I would come back to my childhood religion in the psychedelic realm, but now I see that it is beautiful because I have learned that He is growing with us, changing, and adapting. He is the same deity of the Christian/Muslim era or the Jewish era, but now he is different. He now says that his wife is coequal to him. They have told me that the trinity is now Father, Mother, and Child. The child being humanity or the individual adept. The “godmother” is a wonderful, warm, nurturing grandmother that brings me to tears when I think about her. I fully understand that these are personifications and simplifications of these deities, but I am unsure if humans can experience any other form of a deity than a simplified version.

A “graduation” or an end to the transition

But meeting these deities happened to be the end of my journey. Just last week, I was told that I was officially “graduated” from that realm and needed to get to work in this earthly realm, building a new way of being. I was almost forcefully kicked off the mountain because I had become attached to that world and was still in some way craving their acknowledgment and abdicating my own responsibility in search of a savior. I see now how I cannot be with them because I have too many attachments in my life. In reality, the life I live now has to have these attachments. Just surviving in modern America with a chronic illness requires so much attention to detail. American and Western lives in general are dominated by attachments to thousands of required systems, constructs, peoples, histories, and rules. I was deeply saddened that I would not be able to long for that world in the same way anymore, but I understand now how I was asking them to do for me what I needed to do for myself. For a while, I was worried that I had made some mistake and was being judged, but these fears were unfounded. They did tell me that individuals can “ascend” to that realm without dying a natural death, but that they needed to be able to fully detach from this world while still being able to support and protect their bodies, which rarely happens, they assured me.

However, right before this “graduation” of sorts, I began a few new medications that are revolutionizing my life, helping me to move beyond being controlled by my disability. Also, in order to progress the final steps of the “mountain” I had to cut ties with some very difficult to sever relationships in my life that had become toxic. They encouraged me to stand up for myself and rebuke the people who had sold me out and abandoned me. They encouraged me to stop using alcohol and nicotine, which I gave up earlier this year. They encouraged me to switch careers to a helping field like counseling. With each last step in the process of that world, I became a fully new person in my “real” life. I can see now that the inner journey I was on was really just trying to get me to fully own my existence, one step at a time. Now, I am a fundamentally different person than I was ten years ago. I am strong, self-confident, creative, feminine, and open. I still have work to do, but I feel whole in body, mind, and soul.

What does it all mean?

Is this inner world real? Do actions there affect the physical world around me? Maybe? I don’t know. I do know that I still have many of the helpers and voices of that world in my consciousness who will often remind me to do things the right way and who will give me encouragement. I also know that when I was told in a final ritual that if I stayed in that world I would go insane, I felt a huge amount of energy come back to me that was “invested” in that world. It was like I was chained to that world somehow, and the chain was unlocked and given back to me. I feel much more grounded and able to move forward. I feel integrated. I am healed and ready to focus on the external, with my foray into the dream world of DXM, Ketamine, DMT, and other substances fading into the past. But my extensive journals and memories will stay with me forever. And I am kind of glad for the madness of it to be over, to be honest.

I have used a THC dab since then, and the voice was kind, but told me “THC makes you way too introverted, and we need you to be extroverted now.” And I understand. I see that now. I see how I was in some part afraid of the external world, so I languished in the ethereal within. Now, I am ready to move forward, peaceful, happy, and grounded. I still have fears, as we all do. But I generally have the courage to move through the fear in spite of its warnings. I am awake in the middle of a pandemic and cold civil war, and I am OK. I trust in myself and my ability to persevere. I am not worried so much about perfection or purity at this point. I think those are outdated spiritual concepts. I experimented and explored. I made many “mistakes,” but I kept going. Committing to this journey was a tremendous investment with very large opportunity costs. I had to spend so much time meditating, researching, tripping, divining, and more. Most of this was solitary but I also worked with groups as well. I see it as a process of restoring my soul.

However, I do not view this as a path for everyone. We all come from a rich ancestral heritage. My heritage is European and Christian, although I don’t call myself a Christian now. But I was raised in this tradition, and I believe that matters. Find your own path. Seek your own higher powers. But I found an end to the psychonaut rainbow, and I feel as though I am an astronaut who has successfully landed back on Earth when this is definitely not guaranteed. Many get lost in space. Many crash down to Earth. If you are not a monk in a monastery or supported by others, you will likely be too attached to spend too long in those exalted states, which is fine. But with psychedelics, there is some bold new path available that I fully believe is the new spiritual paradigm unfolding right now. I did not know where I was going, but due to the loving grace of my unconscious divinity, I am back on terra firma, metaphorically.

Blessings to you on your journey and transition to where you need to be, in the dark world and the light world too.

Columbianarchy

I’m willful
moaning, lonely
more
than just a body
in the store
But
Jerusalem was never more
the center pole has lost its core
A dragon spews unrighteous fire
A nation shocked
A weeping choir of angels
strumming aging lyres
The leaderless!
A fatuous land…
How can we go?!
I’ve seen the broken lanes of God inside by head!
I know the high must sigh and fall
The maiden on the bridge must drop
And yes, old dead Persephone
will rise
again

You are not broken if you compensate for your hard life by using “too much” drugs, sex, alcohol, food, etc.

You’re not broken if the modern world and its inhumane expectations of you makes you want to do the following things to cope:

-Eat junk food to excess
-Drink alcohol to excess
-Exercise to excess
-Smoke weed to excess
-Use drugs to excess
-Have sex/masturbate to excess
-Use social media to excess
-Watch entertainment to excess

The modern world is grinding, boring, and detached. The authorities will try to shame you and get you to believe that you don’t have enough self-control. They’ll show you pictures of people who are not using those things to excess to make you think that not doing those things is “normal.”

But you don’t have to accept this gaslighting. Yes, you need to take responsibility for your body and your decisions. However, imagine if you were a marathon runner and someone told you the following:

“taking those cups of water from people on the side of the race is really just weakness. Here is a person that didn’t have to take those cups of water. Look at him smiling. See how happy and normal he is. You need to work on yourself…”

You would probably call that person insane. Our body has limits, and we need to honor those limits by balancing the needs of our bodies, spirits, and minds over the requirements of the industrial machine we’ve created with the stock market gods telling us how much output is “normal.”

So if you are compensating for the really dark and exhausting world we are living in by using drugs, eating junk food, drinking alcohol, or any other similar behavior, you probably have a good reason for doing so and are not just broken. So honor that part of you that is exhausted, fried, anxious, rejected, alone, sad, etc. by not shaming yourself for the behavior.

The behavior might be because you are being tortured by a crazy world. And it could also be that you are just full-on trying to escape too much from the inescapable pain of life. It’s a balancing act.

Personally, I have a lot of pain, trauma, exhaustion, and overwhelm from my history and my present. But I still had to stop drinking because it was a poor coping mechanism, and I’ve found better coping mechanisms like cannabis, meds, and junk food. Would it be ideal if I could have a perfect diet, no meds, and no recreational drugs? Maybe? But WTF is ideal anyway? Right now, this is what I need, and I’ve practiced harm reduction to make it more manageable.

I have to find that balance daily. I make mistakes. I stay attached to coping behaviors too long because I am afraid I cannot find a better solution. This is a natural reaction when humans feel threatened. I really am not trying to say this is easy, because it is hard and might take years or decades to resolve.

May you find that balance in trying to stay engaged with a world that is really quite dangerous and harmful. And may you have tenderness with yourself and your pain. Love to you all.

Your inner voice is calling out to you to begin your transition to wholeness

I’m transgender, but for me, the importance of that fact is not about being trans or queer or bisexual. Those things don’t really matter. What matters is that you listened to a voice or a feeling on the inside of your physical being, and you decided to elevate the internal over the consequences of the external world. For some people, this is harder than others. For me, I had to go on a years-long gender transition to fully elevate my internal over my external. Conversely, your transition from an externally focused person to an internally focused person can be quick. Everyone’s trip up the mountain is different.

But we all need to go on this transitional journey for the world to heal. Religions around the world have talked about the “still, small voice” in your being for millennia. If you listen to your conscience, it will speak to you. But to do that, you need to quiet the external world. You’re not going to hear that voice if you are blasting Marvel movies into your face all day long. Everyone has a voice inside of them. At first, it is unconscious and hidden. But it can be revealed through a set of practices and rituals.

That voice is the real you, by the way. The clothes you wear, the music you listen to, the home you own, those things are not the real you. The real you is dark and mysterious and hard to reach. But when you integrate that part of yourself into your conscious self, you undergo what Carl Jung called integration or individuation. And then you become the magic yourself.

Listening to your conscience is a radical act these days. I assert that the reason for this is that your conscience is feminine. The internal self is receptive and quiet, and the patriarchy hates it because it can’t control it. So first, the rulers makes us believe that it doesn’t exist through materialist theories of reality. Second, they will medicate and lock up people who assert that their internal truth is more valid than the external truth of society, namely schizophrenics or bipolar individuals, creating a chilling effect for all soul seekers.

I think this is one reason why transgender people elicit such intense anger and confusion in people. When most people encounter someone who says that their internal voice is more right than the external accepted “truth,” they call that person crazy. We are programmed to do so, and we all do it. So when I say that my internal voice says that I am more feminine than masculine, but my external genitalia is masculine, lots of people point and yell “Crazy!” because they are programmed to do this.

Most people have just decided that the external masters of reality are more able to be right than their inner voice. So they just ignore it, pour alcohol on it, suppress it, and try to kill it. When someone like me comes along and says “my inner voice is feminine, and I want my body to match that” all many people can reflexively think is that I must be insane and in need of treatment.

But alas, my inner voice is magical and true and lovely. And following the inner voice is a commitment that requires integrity, fortitude, and lots of work. Maybe people don’t want to follow their inner voice because it is too challenging. And I totally understand how the Christian church basically made the feminine and the mystical an afterthought in their dogma.

Follow your inner voice. It is found in your unconscious mind, which is really what God is. When you sleep, this is the active part of your mind. So you know it well. If you don’t follow your inner voice and make your unconscious conscious, your unconscious will make you very unhappy and will fuck with you, causing you to do bizarre and unexplainable things.

If we don’t all start going on this transition, the world will not survive. The whole world needs to transition to a world where the mysterious inner voice is the true religion. But there is a massive pustulant boil of entrenched, patriarchal, and outdated power that must be overthrown. It needed to be overthrown a hundred years ago. Better late than never.

At least, that’s what my inner voice told me…

Deepfake Trump, Venusian Aliens, and a Global Psychic Infection

I had a vision that Donald Trump died and was replaced by a deepfake. I thought it was very ridiculous. But now not so much. Also, I had a vision that a parallel galaxy was crashing into our galaxy and causing inter-dimensional sickness. This sickness is known as the GOAT. The GOAT is a spiritual infection that started back in the early 1980s and is pandemic now but largely unknown. It can be cleansed from the body and energetic body through a set of daily rituals. One must go on a transition to meet the soul in order to rid the body of this infection. Ultimately, it will not be removed until we stop climate change as they have told me that they are from the planet Venus, and their planet overheated in the past. They had long conelike heads and said that global warming was the number one mistake that new planetary civilizations make when entering into the industrial age.

Some of my visions seem absurd, but reality is catching up…

I saw the whole GOP establishment go down last week in a vision

Last Saturday as the proud boys rally was getting underway and the city of Portland felt at war, I lost my cool. My YouTube autoplayed Old Man River by Paul Robeson after a friend shared a clip from the 1960s musical Cabaret, and I was filled with righteous and angry ire and fire against all those who oppress me. Trump, McConnell, the GOP, the US military. I unleashed a torrent of lightning bolts, careening from my hands like a Palpatine, striking, killing, threatening, damaging, and destroying those that oppress me.

Soon after this event, I “died” and went down into Hades, but I was mocked as not being a real dead person, a “neverdie.” I learned later that I had been put in a cosmic “penalty box” until the actual magik fully worked. I had to pay a short restriction for my unilateral action, and because I had attacked so many. But I’ve also been told my act was justified.

So here we are

We see for thee

As the photographer
looks through his camera
at resplendent nature
we are the camera
and the photographer God
our eyes, our ears
our skin, our nose
these friends are the lens
transmitting shows
to a grateful God
or whatever you want
to call the thing,
the eye behind,
our being
watching what we see alone
our life a poem to the throne
a click, a shutter, a vision shown
the eyes of God
inside my earthly home

Why transitioning gender has helped me deal with the current reality

Being transgender is kinda nice in that I’ve already digested the fact that nearly everybody lies about how they care about the poor and the downtrodden. News flash: MOST people don’t care. I heard a Buddhist teacher say once that he liked to assume that things were already broken, like the teacup he was using, so that you can just enjoy what time you have with the formed thing. I’ve kinda already digested that the US is broken and won’t help me. If it does, cool!, but I’m happy just not relying on it and doing what I need to do to survive under my own steam at this point. I’m sure I’m not the only one to experience this.

It’s gonna be ok. Trauma is hard, but trauma is inescapable in life, and you can recover and grow from it. A rose bush thinks being trimmed back in the winter is traumatic, but without that trauma, it would not grow as well as is possible. Peace to you all. Shit breaks, and we put new stuff together. And really, most of the US is already dead branches that need to be pruned.

I still get overwhelmed too, but it seems easier to bounce back when your expectations are appropriate and realistic.

A quote and a picture of my altar for your Monday morning

“The highest reward for a man’s toil is not what he gets for it but what he becomes by it.”

John Ruskin
My altar

Description of my altar:

-I use 3 tarot decks: Thoth for daily reads, The Art Oracle for aesthetic advice, and The Radiant Tarot Rider-Waite deck for weekly reads.
-The okra are for my grandmother and ancestors
-The tea kettle is meant to be pouring out water continuously
-Goats are good
– The drum is an old ceramic drum from India
-Obviously, the four elements are represented classically
-I have Scorpio rising
-Some holy water
-some useless crystals lolol
-Oh and the Buddha cat is wearing my ceremonial headpiece, which I call the Headpiece of Persephone
-lastly, the cat is holding found feathers which signify my writing ability

The weight I pull and how it has changed me

I realized something this morning. I have this weight tied to my leg. That weight is composed of rejection, fibromyalgia, child support, hostile divorce, missing my kids, anxiety, transgender, chronic fatigue, and more. Lots of people have weights tied to them, so it’s not like I’m the only one with struggle. But I’ve had this weight since I was a child. I had recurring dreams when I was a child of trying to run but being unable because I was chained to something.

After my divorce in 2011, and my subsequent persecution by the state of California in regards to my inability to see my children, I became convinced that I would not be able to pull this weight anymore to get to the food and shelter that I needed to survive. I spiraled into a period of self-destruction, suicidality, and hospitalization.

But then in 2016, after my last suicide attempt, I had a revelation. it’s very complicated to explain the details of this revelation but suffice to say I decided that I was going to do whatever it took to make myself strong enough to pull this weight where I needed to go.

I had to develop this strength inside of myself which I call faith or trust in myself. It’s been a very complicated procedure and journey to build this strength in myself, but I believe I’ve been successful. Now I can somehow pull the weight that is chained to my leg to get to the food and shelter that I need to sustain myself.

But having to go to Herculean levels of commitment and engagement with life has alienated me from many of my peers. At times I’m very resentful of people who don’t have to drag their weight around because food is always next to their weight. They have privilege to not pull their weight around, food and shelter are brought to them. This is an extreme metaphor but you get the idea.

I feel like if I even slow down my commitment to that strength inside of me I will become swallowed by the darkness. So often I have to balance my commitment to my own strength with my desire to be a social animal and communicate with people I like. But sometimes nobody understands what it’s like to be a person like me. So it feels like a complicated game of chess always having to consider multiple angles at once just to break even.

We all have weights tied to us. That is what the cross represents in Christianity for example; it is the weight of reality that we have to carry in this life. This concept is ever present throughout history and societies. But some people have privilege and this allows them to not have to pull that weight or carry that cross. And honestly if I didn’t have to carry my cross or pull my weight, I might just sit and enjoy myself and not whip myself to keep going.

But for now I have this massive weight that I have to pull in order to get paid and eat and have shelter. It makes me kind of weird and different from my peers. It makes it so I have to just be by myself if I can’t find someone who isn’t dragging me down. I have to be selective about the people I socialize with or I can lose my strength. It’s frustrating but it’s just my reality, and I’ve come to really feel proud of how strong I am now, so it’s okay.

May you have the strength to pull your weight when you need to go where you need to go. May you find guidance within on how to find that strength. Love and peace and strength to you all.