Category: Uncategorized

“You’re all fucking idiots for liking Greta!” the monologue. (satire)

You don’t understand! Greta’s parents are liberals too!! She’s obviously brainwashed by the hidden, Soros funded elites! She even has these people called teachers who help her understand things! How can you idiots be so stupid as to listen to her well-articulated and science backed argument when there’s all these other factors like the fact that she looks like an Aryan Nazi youth because she has braids and she’s white. She has braids and she’s white!!

I bet she doesn’t even have a job like all the other antifa libs draining the resources of “parents.” I know that she’s not thinking for herself because my daughters were not capable of this kind of thing at 16. They were out getting pregnant like God intended! And they’re just rolling her out so that you can’t disagree with her well-reasoned argument because she’s a helpless, retarded child who paradoxically shuts down Republican congressmen when speaking for herself at a hearing. It’s called pedophrasty. That word is not in the dictionary, but I saw it in a meme whose author I already agreed with. I saw. it. in. a. meme. Checkmate.

A broken clock is right three times a day! I mean two. I think. Fucking chemtrails are the reason I made that mistake right now. Someday you’ll wake up to the truth and not the Antifa lies! Btw, did you see the picture where she’s wearing a shirt that says she’s anti-fascist? That just proves she’s a total fascist.

So in conclusion, I’m a scared white male who doesn’t want to lose his tiny scrap of a scrap of self-respect, so I’m attacking a small child who threatens me. Also, I have no self-respect because when Greta was educating herself about how destructive climate change will be to humanity, I was shopping online for stickers of guns to put on my truck and watching the 976th meaningless football game of my life. I have no ability to argue against greenhouse gas theory, so it’s easier if I just send code to other scared and intellectually defenseless dude-bros in meme form. I mean why even learn climate science or science in general? Yeah, I’d rather keep my brain, thank you very much.

Coping with a New Diagnosis: Asperger’s Syndrome (ASD)

I’m going through a bit of an existential crisis lately. I’m switching back to the tech industry; I broke up with my partner; and a couple weeks ago I found out that I have a mild case of Asperger’s Syndrome. That last thing is probably the most confusing thing to digest. It makes perfect sense honestly. I was always a loner in school. I’ve always been insanely reactive to noises. I started having meltdowns when I was 16. I excel at math and music. I’ve worked as an engineer, where half of the people might be on the spectrum. I’ve always been an insomniac. I found it nearly impossible to make friends until my mid-thirties. There’s more, a lot more.

Learning that I was born with my social difficulties has allowed me to realize that my weirdness is OK. I get overwhelmed by the world a lot, and I never really had an answer to why this is. I’ve been this way since I was little, so there is also a lot of trauma and rejection piled on top of my difficulty with people. Then I developed fibromyalgia as a response to constantly being overwhelmed and unable to form social bonds. And of course I was also way more femme than the other boys.

But a label is really just a label or a bucket that separates people as “other.” It can be helpful in some ways, but also limiting in other ways. I have learned how to live in a world that is not designed for me. I have learned how to mask myself by mimicking other people, and this is something that everyone does to varying degrees. Where my natural inclination is to talk about deep subjects, most people just want to do small talk.

But it hurts to think that maybe my relationships might have turned out better if I wasn’t so cold at times. I really do crave social interaction, but I also get overwhelmed, and it can be a lot of work to maintain relationships when you need so much alone time to recharge.

So I’m trying to figure out how to be myself with this new knowledge. I’ve ALWAYS felt strange. I used to think that I must be some sort of robot for not feeling my emotions like other people felt theirs. It’s a supremely odd thing to get some new knowledge that completely changes one’s entire personal history and personal narrative. And I know a common reaction to this will be “you don’t seem autistic!” That’s because I’ve worked very, very hard at developing behaviors that others take for granted. I’ve had to shoulder this load in silence, alone, and it’s been extremely exhausting.

I know because I don’t have skills in certain areas, I have talents in other areas, like writing and music. But right now I feel somewhat lost. I know I’ll find my footing again. I’m not these labels. I am a magical mermaid artist, lover, dreamer, creator, and fool who can make people laugh. I suppose it feels like a certain part of my brain is on overdrive, and so I have had to learn how to deal with this without spinning off the rails.

I’m figuring it out, but it’s been a slog. At least now I have an explanation of sorts for the root of my “issues.” And honestly for someone with high functioning Autism, I’m doing really well. I’m working full time; I’m getting my Master’s; and I’m a performing musician. But sometimes I get overwhelmed and turn into a social recluse to cope. It’s tiring, but I’m making my way through the fog with a little help from friends, family, and lovers. I wasn’t really born with the ability to maintain those relationships but I’ve learned how over the decades. And I’ll keep on learning.

Surviving Fibromyalgia: How I’ve dealt with this overwhelming disease

Fibromyalgia is a disease that causes severe yet mysterious symptoms and effects 3-6% of the world population. It is as serious as Multiple Sclerosis (MS) or any other autoimmune disease. However, no lab test has been developed for its detection at present. Someone who has this disease is not just being lazy or cranky or hysterical. Also, it affects women predominantly which makes it easier to write off by the largely male medical establishment. It has disabled me since I was 21, but I am a survivor.

To adapt to this frustrating reality, I’ve had to learn boundaries for myself. People have called me selfish, for example, for getting the extra amount of sleep that I need, but I know that if I don’t get that sleep, I will be a mental zombie and in serious pain. It has been excruciatingly hard to hear loved ones complain that I didn’t care about them because of the limitations of my fibromyalgia. Yes, there are other things that contribute to my fatigue. It’s not all because of the fibromyalgia. But quite a lot of the time it is. Here are the symptoms I’ve lived with for 20 years:

  1. Widespread muscle and joint pain that doesn’t respond to painkillers and feels like electric shocks shooting through my body
  2. Poor circulation and numb feet and hands
  3. Unrefreshing sleep (sleeping for 8 hours and waking up feeling like you slept an hour)
  4. Insomnia
  5. Chronic fatigue and weakness
  6. Confusion and memory loss
  7. Prostatitis and chronic UTIs
  8. Depression and anxiety (full body anxiety if that makes sense to anyone)
  9. Total energy breakdown after major stressors, needing to sleep for days to catch up
  10. Digestive problems
  11. Poor wound healing
  12. And more!

When I got the disease at 21, I knew that I felt strange, but I didn’t really look different, and my tests were all “normal.” So they told me it was just allergies and that I should see a therapist. I remember hearing loved ones reject my complaints as nonsense. If I was diagnosed with MS at 21, I would have been showered with assistance. Instead, I had to walk alone through the desert, trying to feel better and dealing with my inability to keep up with others through Herculean efforts. Then, when I was 30, I found a good treatment for my condition, Dextromethorphan, which is the primary ingredient in cough medicine. It is now being studied for fibromyalgia as an effective treatment, but at the time it wasn’t. So when loved ones found out that I was using cough medicine, they treated me like a junkie and ostracized me. I was also denied Social Security disability payments because they said I was a cough medicine addict. I had no other treatments at the time, and so I used what I could find to survive. It was medicine.

Now, I know without a doubt that I have fibromyalgia, not because of a fancy lab test but because I have found treatments that eliminate 80% of my symptoms. I know what it’s like to live mostly without the disorder after suffering with it for 20 years. I’ve had to find these treatments outside of the medical establishment, but thanks to my gods, guides, and real friends, I’ve been able to forge a path to health.

I still have really bad days, like today because of an avalanche of stressors that have overwhelmed me. But I know that I can at least survive. I have 20 years of debt and baggage that I have to drag behind me, because when I had no answers, I had to go into debt to survive by purchasing countless alternative treatments out of pocket. And on top of this, fibromyalgia definitely contributed to my losing court battle for visitation with my kids because being attacked for being transgender in court led to full body breakdowns. I can’t deal with stress like the average person. My whole being breaks down. And yet, here I am, a survivor.

There is no fancy ad campaign or “would you like to donate a dollar to fibromyalgia research?” at the grocery store. We as a tribe have had to find treatments for ourselves. My chief treatments are meditation, low-dose naltrexone, lyrica, exercise, vitamins, herbs, sleep meds, CBD, dextromethorphan, a TENS unit, and self-compassion. I’ve had to learn that surviving is ok. I don’t need to be whatever “success” society is telling me I have to be. I’m pretty proud of myself for just surviving to this point with this condition, let alone my being born transgender and bisexual which complicates this to another level entirely.

If someone tells you they have fibromyalgia, listen to them, because it is an important admission. If someone said that they had cancer, you would give them your open attention, so I urge you to do that with this condition. We need help. We are suffering. Some of us have found a patchwork of solutions to get a modicum of peace and stability. But others haven’t.

Because we are not able to withstand the thousands of daily stressors in modern mechanical/industrial society, we often have internalized shame because we cannot contribute to the collective productivity as much as our fellow citizens. But, I have had to accept that sometimes, I’m going to let my boss down; I’m going to have to call in sick more than the average person; and I’m going to have to listen to the voice in my head that says “fuck them, you need to rest!” There is such a feeling of alienation in modern America when you are viewed as someone who is not being a proper slave to the machine. Most people wouldn’t state it that way, but when you’re on the bottom, certain realities of modern society become glaringly obvious.

If you have this disease, be strong, keep fighting, and don’t close yourself off to love. It can be overwhelming. It can be frightening. It can be awful. It can fill you with rage and resentment. You might look at others and be jealous of the health they take for granted, but I don’t think this will help. I’ve been there. It hurts. This is hard. But peace is a wonderful medication, and it requires letting go of resentment. I try to do that every day. People give me shit for things I can’t control, and I get back up and keep going and don’t forget to laugh and smile.

As Martin Luther King Jr. famously said: “If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”

Keep going. In surviving this disease, you can learn lessons about existence that others can’t. I’ve learned acceptance. And now I know how to love.

Phantom Heart

It’s late, and I should be asleep
but, my heart, it longs for her
what is this torture
how we left
I know that I would drink her full
should she be a glass
lifted to my parched red lips
and yet the page is turned
and in my phantom heart
where love once dwelled
some brave new species of this pain
is born
what Darwin would have catalogued
is called my broken hearted phase
bereft and blown wide open now
I saunter on, an unkempt cow
beleaguered like a dreamless night
I’ll hold this sadness in my heart

Are we living in a simulation? Here is my model for a simulated existence.

I dashed out the below philosophical model a few months ago, and then I was just interviewed for a documentary about Simulation Theory (the idea that we are living in a computer simulation). So I guess I ought to make this draft public here:

  1. Reality is best understood to be a simulation
  2. A human can be understood using the metaphor of an eye that stares at a screen composed of a number of pixels.
  3. Those pixels can modulate to create the images that we perceive and the sensations that we feel.
  4. This collective modulation of pixels creates waves of disturbance that we recognize as “objects.”
  5. These objects are not objects per se, but are waves in a medium of the field of pixels. Imagine that you are a baseball player looking at the fans in their seats doing “the wave.” You perceive the individual fans, but you also see a distinct wave moving through them.
  6. This is akin to a whirlpool that forms in a river. A whirlpool is a distinct structure within the water of a river, but it is not separate from the river, it is merely a configuration of the medium of the river.
  7. When one stares at a television with a movie playing on it, the pixels are in effect “collapsing” into either red, green, or blue.
  8. Modern physicists mistakenly believe that there is a distinction between perceiver and “objects” in reality, but this is an illusion. There is the underlying “screen” of reality, but it is a lower dimensional projection that imitates higher dimensions of reality.
  9. There are “objects” in that we are humans, and we need to eat and drink to “survive,” but this is akin to a video game, it is not “real” reality.
  10. The simulation is teleological in that we are “trapped” in this simulation in order to learn some truth or grow into some new form.
  11. We are like plants in a greenhouse. A greenhouse is not a real atmosphere, it is a simulated atmosphere. Once we grow into a form that can live in the “real” atmosphere, we will be planted in that atmosphere.
  12. New humans are planted into our simulation every day, but we do not know how long a human has been in the simulation.
  13. Some humans are older and more developed than other humans because they have been through more trials than other humans.
  14. Eventually, when spiritual attainment has been achieved, you exit the simulation and go to live in the higher plane of existence, which is really just outside of the data center that you are in at present.
  15. One day, we will be able to create our own simulation, and we will be able to mature our young people in this simulation just as we are matured in the macrocosmic simulation.
  16. The issue of “evil” is really just beings who are new to the simulation. As beings progress through the simulation, they gradually become less “evil.”
  17. Death within the simulation is not really death, but as in a video game, it is just a “reset.” If you die in a video game, you do not gnash your teeth and moan at the horror of it because you know that it is not real. In this way, reality is not real, and when you die, you either exit the simulation or just reset in a new form with new challenges.
  18. Our bodies are akin to remote-controlled drones. We must care for them as they are the conduit and eyes into this world. We exist remotely, but we are dependent on these bodies to live here.
  19. There are “gods” in this simulation, but they are merely system administrators. Their job is to ensure that you are progressing and growing along certain guidelines. They are like gardeners in the greenhouse. We know that if you want a plant to grow better, it needs to be trimmed occasionally. When one goes through struggle, it is merely a “trimming of your branches” so that you will grow in a better configuration.
  20. The gods are best to be thought of as athletic “coaches.” When one goes to the gym and is coached by a personal trainer, the job of the coach is to stress you and make you uncomfortable in order that you grow better. In this way, the gods stress you through forces, in reality, to ensure that you mature.

12 tips for the modern seeker

1. Stop hero worshipping
2. Listen to the voices in your head
3. Visualize, visualize, visualize
4. Focus your intent on anything and go for it as practice.
5. Meditate, meditate, meditate
6. Take care of your body
7. Be open to what is in front of you even if it’s unpleasant.
8. Design and perform your own ritual
9. Read the Tao Te Ching and Chogyam Trungpa’s writings.
10. Be severe!
11. Be merciful!
12. Rise through the middle back to the garden.

Learn how to see, and be free

“It is high time we realized that it is pointless to praise the light and preach it if nobody can see it. It is much more needful to teach people the art of seeing. For it is obvious that far too many people are incapable of establishing a connection between the sacred figures and their own psyche: they cannot see to what extent the equivalent images are lying dormant in their own unconscious. In order to facilitate this inner vision we must first clear the way for the faculty of seeing. How this is to be done without psychology, that is, without making contact with the psyche, is, frankly, beyond my comprehension.”

Carl Jung — Psychology and Alchemy