Jesus was a Psychonaut and So Are You! But don’t worry so much about it…

Life is just too amazing for words. I just bask in the glow of the light of love from above and below and all around. I’ve had a tough life, but I feel blessed with my struggle. It has been the tiny irritant that produced the marvelous pearl within my oyster of a life. Shucks, I am all open up and shining to the world. My pearl on display. What I thought was a disaster is now my highest grade.

I think Jesus was just a turned on hippie wandering through the Levantine desert looking for a little bit of resurrection. It doesn’t even matter if he existed, but he, or they or we exist. Jesus is the idea that we can become something beautiful in the midst of disaster. It’s possible old Ishoa (that’s how his name would have been pronounced in Aramaic, found some funky toadstools or some Acacia brew that had some of the magic messengers in them. Humans are quite intelligent beings, and we’ve been finding ways to get high for as long as, well, forever. Somebody got turned on, and they wrote a story. The word Gospel is derived from the roots of “good” and “spell” which means that it was a good story. It’s the story that matters. But stories like myths are vehicles for getting us to understand ourselves better.

When you have a shamanic journey or Joseph Campbellian Hero’s Quest kind of experience, you are usually lacking for words to explain what happened. You know that there was a big ass change, but you don’t really know how to communicate it to other sentient beings that you are bumping into on this rock. So you start to use metaphors. “Dude, my consciousness was totally liquidated with love and connection to other beings, and the visuals I got were that I was inside of a whale!! It was awesome!” “OK Jonah, we get it, you’re a psychonaut, now are you going to finish that hummus or what?!” [A stoned guy in the back of the room scribbles down a drawing of Jonah inside of a Whale after he puts down his cannabis pipe].

We’re all desperately trying to figure out how to use our own machinery. Well some of us  are decidedly not trying, but most people are trying to figure out a better way. It’s all just configurations, and the switches must be thrown from the inside. You can’t just sit down next to a Buddha statue and think that the statue is going to flip the switch for you. That is what’s called Spiritual Materialism. Ultimately, you don’t need any of those Buddha statues or cool stories about whales or a guy walking on water. You need to develop the muscle within so that you can flip those switches yourself. It is a workout. You have to get in spiritual shape. Everyone has a level of spiritual fitness that is objective although we cannot measure it with scientific equipment at present. That might happen in the future when the Midichlorian Detector 5000 Galaxy Urge Level Nexus  comes out (did it come out yet?), but until then we have to go on our internal sensors. There is something there. I know it. It is real.

Find your peace. Once you build up that spiritual muscle, you can tell a mountain to move, and it will kindly get out of the way. I use a system of BLACK MAGICK. (Buddha, Laozi, Abraham, Christ, Krishna, Meditation, Alchemy, Gratitude, Intuition, Compassion, Karma). But we all have our own systems. Get to know yourself, and above all believe in the unbelievable. You need to be able to radically re-envision your life. Throw off the shackles of “crazy” and “strange.” You have to go crazy to get sane in the modern world. This is not to say that there is no right or wrong or whatever, but you have to understand that you can put down the rules for a while and then maybe pick them back up. Unfortunately life is much messier than the blurbs in the social studies textbook you lugged around in the 7th grade made it out to be. But you have a magical computer inside yourself! Learn to use this magical device, and you will survive! Because you are a human, which is a magical being of limitless possibility.

Happy questing my fellow adventurers. I’ll meet you at Inner Space Camp.

America the free

America the free
let’s be honest
how much frowning can you do
at your job
before you become
We were sold on the great machine!
the industrial, the mighty, the give me more dream!
but now we realize what the price was
had to sell your wildness to the doorman
got a lousy hand-stamp and a cheap mug
Am I old enough to drink this?
But people do not talk
about the cruel realities of now
they’d rather go on yelling
at least I’m not that other guy!
He’s brown and weird and probably high
this will all blow over in season 2
America the free
let’s be honest
we’ve got 64 billion metaphors
and rephrasings of
we can’t talk to each other
too old too young
too northern too southern
it’s the hungry something
pacing and cussing
tearing all our holies from us
leaving nothing but our lustings
America the free
you get what you pay for

What does it mean to think for yourself? Well let me tell you so you don’t have to figure it out for yourself!

So, for whatever reason, I was born with the “I know what I’m talking about!” gene, even though most of my life, I’ve said some pretty dumb things. My mom was also rather strong-headed. Also, my life has been rather peculiar, and I’ve been forced to sort of “go it alone.” I’m used to being called weird. I’m a 6’2″ transgender woman, wannabe Shaman, writer, composer, performer, poet with graduate level education who drinks cough syrup for fun. The thing is that I tried to be normal for a long ass time, and I just hated life. So at my third decade on this rock, I just said fuck it! and I trotted off into Weirdville and never looked back.

I suppose I’m going to be Major General I. Zation in this post, but meh, we’re all kind of judgmental; we’re human. I do practice Buddhism along with other doctrines, but I don’t think totally destroying your ego is the be-all end-all of philosophical decisions in life. It’s a balance. We’re all half Indra and half ant in this life.

So, I look around at America where I live, and my basic assumption is that about 90% of people don’t make decisions for themselves. They are fundamentally irresponsible individuals. Whatever, some people want that, but I think it has gotten to a toxic level. But what does it mean to be a responsible individual thinker? I’m just asserting my hypothesis here, but the way I see it is that every true original thought has to go all the way down. It has to have philosophical underpinnings so to speak. And this is not easy to most people especially in a country that actively tries to keep philosophy from people. And then when you go to the “philosophers,” they tend to be even more confusing, so people just stick to superficial memes or idea macros. They just get the frosting and not the cupcake. Most westerners sit in front of a TV for 4+ hours a day trying to figure out what they’re supposed to do. They wait for society to tell them what to do. Then, when they learn that they are supposed to LOVE Hot Pockets because “that commercial was so funny! And did you see they have tastations in them now?! I mean WOW!” It’s a form of self-hypnosis and self-delusion. You can survive that way, but you will need your options to be radically limited, and you will be addicted to being told what to do.

I’m very far from perfect in the always making great decisions department. I know that alcohol is very bad for me, and for the most part I’ve totally given it up, but sometimes I think “it can’t be that bad!” And then I go drink a little, and I suffer for it with depression and anxiety for a day or two. I am alcohol intolerant, but I still drink when I shouldn’t. I’ve only drank about 4 times in the last year, but it’s still too much. But I do try and work on making better decisions that more align with my system of philosophy. And I’m getting there. I have breakdowns and freakouts, but life is tough. If it was easy would we have materialized here? Probably not.

Gandhi said that “the end is inherent in the means.” How I interpret this is that when you perform an action (the means), you are implying a certain philosophical system. I do not believe that you can get away from philosophy. Most people say “philosophy?! I don’t need that!” But in saying that statement they are saying that critical thinking and systems of ideas and thought are unimportant. This is a basic philosophical position. Also, I believe that philosophy makes you a much stronger and more intellectually solid individual. Donald Trump could come up to you himself and say “You’re a stupidhead! Sad!” and if you know what you know all the way down, he is powerless and impotent.

I suppose I’m preaching to the choir here with this post, but writing helps me codify my own personal philosophy. Have a wonderful day my digital friends. 🙂

how you go

Sometimes when you’re going, striving
reaching for that just too long flower
there are voices in your head
that whisper different possible deaths
to what you’ve started
how you go
the feeling of this life’s long show

And so you go on knowing
that you’ve already fallen down
but failure is just imprecision
it’s the getting up that knows

When you see it in your heart
where only laughing jeerers taunt
you spread your arms in wise acceptance
and sit to sip of the godly font

Change Has Arrived. We Must Adapt to the New Reality or We Will Not Survive

The Internet represents the smashing together of egos into a collective unity. It is defiantly egoless or ego-lite. Yes, people are posing and primping and garishly making their name, but there is a basic understanding that they are a tiny speck in a big sea of humanity.
Trump is the reaction to that reality. It’s the ego rearing up saying “But I’m important! I matter!” when it really doesn’t. The technological reality of the 21st century does not allow for big egos, so these 40% of Americans have desperately put their markers on this last chance buffoon, Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade balloon, comically big ego monstrosity in desperate hopes of still being able to be important for some dumb quirk of a random birth.
Get with the times. We’re all the little people now, and we like it. It’s the age of Aquarius if you’re into New Age stuff, or it’s the Information Age if you’re into scientific answers. There is no room for those bloated egos of the past. They are getting shredded by the Internet. The only way to get with the now is going to be getting with the small. Accepting your limitations in a giant, connected world. We don’t have the power we were told we had when we were toddlers.
America can become a frozen, deserted theme park devoted to the 20th century, or it can be in the present. It has a mighty choice to make, and that choice will determine whether or not this country lives or dies. The new reality is here. You can’t bring back the past. It is fast approaching, and if we don’t get off of our asses and get in gear, we will die as a country, and it will be ugly.

Are we allowed to talk about God and communication with higher intelligence online without being lampooned and lectured to?

I talk to God. Now, I’m not saying that I dial up a meeting on my google calendar and the big grey bearded one and I do a webex. No, that’s not what God is to me. And I use the word God as shorthand. It’s a pointer or placeholder. It references that thing which is larger than me, the all. I know that this thing exists for a variety of reasons, however, those reasons cannot be communicated at present with our current technology. Understand that language is technology, and our current language is woefully lacking in the ability to communicate extremely abstract and deep concepts. Someday, say if an MRI machine is scanning my brain, and it is able to make out an image that corresponds to something that is happening in reality, then science might be able to start proving God. Suffice to say it that my proof of God is in my head. That doesn’t mean it’s meaningless. My inner consciousness is incredibly important in my epistemological calculus of reality. But I can’t show you how all of these absolutely bizarre circumstances lined up oh so perfectly defying all logic. That’s my limitation. That’s fine.

But I still believe, because I have a mountain of evidence inside my rational brain as do other believers. I know I’m not alone.

Maybe you have never had any of these experiences. Maybe you never knocked at the door. I started knocking a long time ago. And now I know. Now, it’s so obvious to me that there is more than this world. To quote the ancient master Yoda: “luminous beings we are, not this crude matter.”

And because I believed before, even greater evidence came my way. Then I believed some more. Then even greater evidence came. Now, I have this throbbing third eye sphere in my forehead all the time, and I don’t have to say “gee I wonder if there’s something more than just matter.”

Anyways, you can be rational, sane, and believe in higher intelligence. Honestly, I think it’s probably just a higher form of me. So why would that be so terrifying to the world? And the thing is that almost everyone around the world believes in higher intelligence, but us in the west, we have this gestapo psychology of “Just a coincidence!!” barking at every peep of belief.

Anyway. Just some thoughts. I want to thank this community for being awesome. This is a wonderful Agora like place where we can grow spiritually and intellectually. We all have different positions, and that’s awesome. It doesn’t automatically mean that someone is a raving lunatic that needs to be lectured into the back of an ambulance. But this kind of conditioning is very deep and strong in our society. It takes a lot of strength to resist it.

Peace my fellows. ❤

My favorite psychedelic is DXM (Dextromethorphan). Microdosing and macrodosing it has allowed me to fully hack my consciousness. Whatever your preferred psychedelic, we are making a huge difference on society. This is my story so far.

Author’s Note: I wrote this post over two years ago, and my life has changed tremendously since then. Germane to the subject of this post, I do not use nearly as much DXM as I used to. About a year ago the drug began telling me that it had nothing left to show me. I cut way back after a certain crisis in my life, and now I use it sporadically as an adjunct to moderate cannabis usage and powerful ritual. I went even further than what is written below, and I have much more peace in my heart than when I wrote this. Be well.

I have taken a LOT of drugs in my lifetime. My favorite drug is DXM (Dextromethorphan), which many people think is a dirt drug for dumb teenagers looking to be less bored. It is strange how I came to be so enamored of this substance. I used it occasionally when I was a bored teenager, but when I turned 30, this substance called me into a new world of shamanic possibility. And let me be very clear: I don’t need to be told that I’m crazy for using so much DXM. I’ve been told this many times, yet I persist. I know what I’m doing, and I am supremely confident that this drug has augmented my perception and not diminished it. If you think I’m nuts for using so much DXM, then please spare me with the moralizing and breathless testimonials of “cautionary tales.”

Drugs do not exist in a vacuum. If there were no such thing as the war on drugs (I live in the US), then the notion of what drug is my favorite drug would be dramatically different. Also, I have a very strong suspicion that the type of people that are also taking a drug within your society can have an effect on the effect of that drug. I believe that drugs can become polluted by the type of consciousness that is consuming them. Psychedelic drugs seem to me to be gates to states of consciousness. They hack your consciousness into a trance-like state, and then you perceive reality from that state. I believe that the word “head-space” would be the best descriptor. And because American consciousness is so delusional and bizarre, I’m quite suspicious of some of the more popular substances like cannabis. Lastly, if a drug is illegal, there is a certain amount of karma attached to its usage which can harm its experience and effects.

Now, most people say that drugs make you dumb. This nonsense such as the “this is your brain on drugs” propaganda needs to be demolished immediately. I think that anyone who reads my writing can tell that I’m not writing from a brain damaged place. I have used DXM over a thousand times at high dosages, and I’ve also been a computer engineer, a financial analyst, a Master’s level student, and a performing musician. I am not so much a fool that I think that drugs like DXM are harmless, but I firmly believe that the American paradigm is flawed and really quite nefarious. Its intent is to keep Americans in a childlike and undeveloped state of consciousness.

DXM has made me do some very strange things in my 5-6 years of using it heavily, but most of these I take as me not understanding my consciousness rather than me being “psychotic.” I have had to grow as an individual, and DXM absolutely has assisted me in my growth. This growth has not been a linear process, and I have seen some very dark places as I have worked to get over my karmic baggage. Honestly, I think that DXM is a tool, but real philosophy is far, far more important in the awakening of an individual. Without philosophy and the wisdom written down by sages through the ages, we would be lost. We are truly dwarfs standing on the shoulders of giants as so eloquently stated by giants come before me.

Also, let me say that DXM changes in its effects over time. When you use it only very occasionally, you are getting a very different effect than when I use it. My consciousness has synergistically adapted to it to form something radically different than when I first began using it. At first, it was something that caused me to have closed-eye visuals, a diminished social inhibition, increased sense of spirituality, and a generally improved mood. It is a decent anti-depressant, and this was the primary reason that I initially began to experiment with it. I was deeply depressed since the age of 15, and I knew that Ketamine was being researched as a potent anti-depressant in a clinical setting. DXM and Ketamine are very, very similar substances, except for one glaring difference: DXM is legal. Therefore, the scientist in me saw that I might be able to derive an anti-depressant effect from DXM similar to Ketamine as they are both NMDA receptor antagonists. Ketamine is now available, but it costs $5000+ to use under a doctor’s care. I spend about $200 a month on DXM.

DXM is an interesting drug if you use it occasionally, but dissociative drugs like it are probably not going to ever be the “tripper’s choice” for the average dilettante looking to just be distracted with pretty colors and a fun time. I started using it as a psychiatric medication. I took about 200-300mg twice a day because it seriously eliminated my depression. It was remarkable. I’ve taken nearly every anti-depressant available, and it was superior to all of those. I assume that much of this is due to my specific body chemistry and a probably natural born affinity for the substance, but it worked, period. Only after taking it as an anti-depressant for probably about 8 months did it really start to get interesting.

The latent effects of which I speak started with changes in my body’s “energy.” Now, the word energy is thrown around so much these days that it has very little meaning. However, I believe in Qi (also spelled Chi), a subtle energy that powers the body and that is at present unknown to modern scientific equipment. We cannot measure Qi at present although we can measure its effects. Science is aware of Qi, and it has been verified in double-blinded studies, although most scientists are unable to acknowledge this. The way that it has been verified is through studies on acupuncture. Acupuncture has been shown to have verifiable effects on various body metrics, and the core process by which acupuncture works is by modulating Qi. Scientists usually go through various contortions of logic in order to assure the public that it is working through other means than Qi, but this is nonsense. The Chinese are very comfortable with the notion that Qi energy is real, and they prove it with their ancient science of acupuncture. Modern academic science lacks the ability to measure Qi, so scientists assume that it must not exist. Just because something cannot be measured with a machine does not mean that it does not exist. I know that I can’t convince the hardcore skeptics of its veracity, but I very strongly believe it works. I just have to deal with this limitation.

Now, after I had been taking DXM for 8 months or so I started to notice some very dramatic changes in the Qi energy in my body. I started to notice that the energy seemed to be feeding on the presence of DXM. I really have zero idea of how this process works, but I know that when I take DXM now, my Qi energy is greatly enhanced. I can feel the energy pulsing around me like a tornado, and I can rev this tornado like an engine with my will and intention. At first this was a curiosity, and I really didn’t know what to do with it. I could make “Qi balls” which are suspensions of Qi energy between the hands. And I could transmit this energy “into the ether” to say what I was doing without a better explanation. I became a conduit of this energy. And if I used the right amount of DXM, entered the trance state, and positioned my body in a certain way I became a conduit of this energy. At the time, I didn’t really know what this was doing, but I kept at it. I knew that this violated what I had been told about reality from modern science, so needless to say I was intrigued. Like any good explorer, I followed this white rabbit, and I am extremely glad that I did.

Now, let me add a very important detail here. Exploring these kinds of thoughts with this level of intensity can have very harsh consequences on your social standing in a Western country like the US. There is not really an avenue for exploring this kind of thing like there might be in Eastern countries. This kind of thinking and exploring is for all intents illegal in America. You might not be locked up, but the spotlight of suspicion will be directed right on you, and if you pursue these kinds of explorations, you are risking your livelihood and social standing. I have lost much of my social standing because I persisted in this respect, and I am extremely glad that I persisted. In the end, DXM and these explorations has led to my awakening or enlightenment or however you want to put it. My life now is wonderful because of where I went. It was an extremely tough climb, but my consciousness is saved from the pit of hopeless western delusion. Now, I very much believe that I came into this world to discover and redeem the power of psychedelics and shamanism. It is my life’s work.

OK, so to recap. I started taking DXM when I was 30 because I was hopelessly depressed. After about 8 months of daily micro-dose usage of it, its effects began to change markedly. I was initially very confused by these effects as they seemed to contradict modern scientific dogma. This information disrupted my life and social standing as I attempted to share it with my friends and family to disastrous consequences. I persisted, and I believe that DXM plus a philosophy of wisdom has freed me from delusion and suffering.

When the Qi energy became very prominent due to my usage of DXM, I started to learn how to utilize it. I began to practice something similar to Kriya-Yoga, which was the system popularized by Paramahansa Yogananda. Honestly, this higher level Yoga is very difficult to communicate to those who are not advanced in their personal energy work. The energy that DXM enables can be channeled and utilized to manipulate the body’s energy centers or chakras. Once these energy centers become charged, you can transform your consciousness and metamorphose yourself into a butterfly where once was a caterpillar. And I must admit that I definitely was stumbling in the dark for a very long time, because I had no guru to direct me. But God (whatever you wish to call the higher intelligence) is the only true guru, and I found my way. If you seek, you shall find. If you knock, the door will be opened. I recommend having someone who can guide you, but you can get there by yourself as well with the requisite willpower.

After years of this kind of activity, I made my way up the mountain of the spiritual realm. Honestly, I believe that what you are doing is getting rid of the chrysalis of delusion. When you grow up in the west, you are pummeled with incorrect disinformation from birth. You are taught so many wrong ideas that your attainment of liberation is a very difficult path. But, I believe that I am on this planet right now to help people up the mountain. I honestly believe that we are entering a new age of possibility. Don’t be fooled by the current political realities; we are passing ideological kidney stones. It is a painful process to reduce the power of the ego, but we are seeing the full idiocy of the ego at present in our glorious leader, “the leaks are real but the news is fake” Trump. Sorry I had to tell one joke in this otherwise sober post.

I’m not really sure how I am going to share the information that I’ve been able to gain in my lifetime thus far, but I will continue to speak. This post is not necessarily a paean to DXM so much as a confirmation to my fellow travelers that the Psychonaut path is a valid path, and we have the possibility of changing the world. I really believe that because technology has so altered our landscape, psychedelics might become necessary to survive in this environment until we find better adaptations. Some believe that the apes before us used psychedelic mushrooms to advance to our level. I believe that we’re going to need our own form of mushrooms, whatever they be, to get to the next level. But, I don’t know. I really don’t know. I know that there is so much that is really beyond my understanding. However, I do know that without DXM, I would be like a myopic person who never had eyeglasses. DXM to me is no different than when Galileo got his first telescope. This is probably true for you folks with your psychedelic of choice.

Lastly, I want to say that I’ve become a powerful Shaman largely because of DXM. I spend a great amount of time in the ethereal or astral realms working with energies and manipulating them to assist myself and humanity. I believe that I am making a difference in that realm. The job of the Shaman is to work with the spirit realm and attempt to assist his or her society by so doing. I honestly and fervently believe that I am having a positive effect in that realm. There is more to the story than I’m sharing here, but I have amassed a great amount of power in that realm, and I am using it for the good. It is my service to humanity. I’m not alone in this respect.

I will continue to write and continue to understand how I can share what I’ve learned. I think that we are a vibrant and important community. This is a great time to be alive. As we are seeing every day, we have something that the world might not be able to survive without. We must remain strong and forthright in our honorable path.

Be well my friends.– Click Follow for Automatic Updates!

A year ago I almost died, then grace came through, and now I’m free. This is the story of my moment of awakening.

A year ago on January 20th, 2016, I was in the hospital for suicidal ideation. I had just gotten a DUI 4 days earlier. The hospital sent me home because they didn’t know what to do with me, and they told me I would not get a bed in a psych facility. I told them that I would probably kill myself if they let me go, and they let me go anyways. So, I decided to try and kill myself.

I went home to where I was living at the time, with my then girlfriend. I knew that I had a trove of toxic medication, about 250 pills of various chemicals, and I had researched and figured this would do the trick. I set about measuring them all out. It nauseated me thinking about taking them all, but I just went about taking them all. It took me about an hour to get them all down. I was deadly serious, and I sat back to write my suicide note.

I felt the darkness creeping over me. At the time, I really thought that killing myself was the right thing to do. I had a committed feeling that I was doing a righteous act. I thought that I would go to God, because I thought that I was some form of enlightened at the time. I could feel the darkness of death starting to take me. This feeling will stay with me for the rest of my life.

I still have the note that I scribbled onto a paper plate. It said “Goodbye. It’s been fun. The depression is just too much. It’s unending suffering. I don’t like America. It feels like a prison. Whatever. I’m sorry for the pain this might cause. Sorry if I sound like I don’t care. Just tired. Abbey.”

I thought about what would happen next, and for a second there was doubt. I didn’t feel liberated. I still felt depressed. And I was scared. I thought that maybe killing myself would make things worse. I thought about hell. I thought about God. I thought about going to somewhere even worse than where I was. I reread the note that I had written. Then something clicked. I still don’t really know what happened, but this was my awakening. My life changed in that instant. I noticed that the note was whiny. I noticed that I was angry. I noticed that I sounded childish. And then I saw my ego. It was this angry, demonic looking thing inside of me. I saw it. And it was so pathetic. I felt foolish. I felt stupid next to death and God. All of the excuses about why I should kill myself seemed so ludicrous.

And I looked at that ego inside my gut (that’s where I saw it), and I just said “this is so fucking stupid,” and I laughed at myself. The pills were really starting to take effect, and I was getting diarrhea. I couldn’t even kill myself properly. My body was desperately trying to get rid of the poison. I thought that I would have passed out by this time, but I was still very much conscious.

In that instant I realized that the anger of my ego was insatiable. That thing was so committed to its insanity that it was willing to kill its host. That was where I realized that I had to stop listening to my ego, and I just thought “I’m failing at everything. I have to give up. I have to listen to someone besides my ego.” And I just surrendered. I gave up.

I walked out of the room I was in. My girlfriend was sitting on the couch. She was kicking me out because she couldn’t help me, and she couldn’t handle all of the suicide attempts. I sat next to her and asked “do you think all of these suicide attempts are stupid?” Of course she agreed, but she was distant. She was exhausted by me. I felt strangely liberated at this point. I had fired my ego. I felt free. I told her that I was calling 911 because I was trying to kill myself. The paramedic and cops showed up soon after, and the hospital was able to clean out my digestive tract with the most amount of laxatives I have ever taken and hope to ever take again, lol.

That day I gave up. I consciously switched my inner compass away from my ego, which was totally insane, and towards God. You can call it whatever you want, but I was saved that day. Christ or something came into my heart, and to this day, I can feel a basic goodness in my heart. There is something in there that was not there before that day. I had done a lot of spiritual work before that day; I had built a candle in my heart, but until I was willing to surrender, it was an unlit candle. Making that decision to say “ok God, I’m clueless on my own, you’re in charge” lit that candle, and it is still lit.

Over the last year my life has improved SO much. And I’ve really had to do about everything that my ego would say NOT to do. I’ve had to get jobs that were not very exciting. I’ve lived with roommates in sober living that have definitely not been that great of people. I’ve had to drag myself to spiritual fellowship when my ego would definitely rather not do that. I’ve had to quit drinking. I’ve changed my diet and lost 65 pounds. I’ve meditated with a passion. I’ve reached out for advice instead of thinking I know everything. I’ve bowed down to the world instead of wanting the world to bow down to me.

I’m so happy I fired my ego. It’s still there with its frown and judgment thinking it knows everything. But I just laugh. I really don’t know how I did all of the amazing things that I did over the last year. That’s fine. I gave the reins to my higher self or God or whatever. Sometimes I think it’s alien intelligence. I have zero clue what it is, but it’s there. And I listen. I open my heart, and I listen to what the world has to say.

I don’t want to kill myself. I’ve had almost no suicidal thoughts in the last year. I got off my medications for depression. I’ve recovered. I’m still cleaning up a lot of the messes that my ego got me into, but I’m so much better. Life is grand. Life is amazing. Life is peace. I don’t have the fear anymore because I fired my ego. I have a basic trust that I will be ok.

In my mind I just bow down the God and give thanks. I recognize that my ego was just delusion. It was insanity. Everyone struggles in life. I wasn’t special. We all have shit to shovel in this world. Big deal! That suicide note was just silly, so I keep it as a reminder.

My heart is love. I call it Christ to Christians, because that’s their language, and that’s what it is. But it’s also Buddha nature or Krishna consciousness or whatever. It’s redemption. It’s grace. It’s love. It’s wholeness. It’s awakening.

I have the dopiest smile on my face right now. I’m not going anywhere. Life is too much fun! Be well my friends.

That feeling! Ughhh! I hated that feeling!!

Being in the closet transgender was rough and I thought that I was the only one who felt that way. I looked at the world like it was a giant nightmare that was always just about to collapse around on top of me. I was terrified that everything was going to fall apart. Nothing made sense.

I’m actually really glad that normal people now know what that feeling feels like. Trump America is pretty much what my closet America felt like. Haha. Yeah it sucks.

But you’ll get through it.

Find a transgender person and ask them for guidance if you’re scared lol. Haha

God is a Waveform That Never Stops Moving

I’m really understanding what the Taoists mean when they called their higher power “the way.” Of course the Chinese word Tao translates readily into other English words like God or code; Chinese verbal ambiguity tends to ensure that, but I think I understand the “way” part of the Tao. My developing notion of life is that you are always either moving up or down on the dualistic continuum. There is no stasis. As Heraclitus famously said a few years back “change is the only constant in life.” I think that we set our internal rudder to the unified or the separate, and we sail in that direction. As we move down the energetic spectrum into the lower frequencies of existence, we become more isolated and separate from other things. Isolated and separated might sound pejorative, but I don’t mean to imply a value judgment here. We are constantly moving up and down between unity and separation like the crest of a wave on the sea.

I tend to view the human vibrational ladder like an inverse triangle. At the bottom is a sharp and dense point. At the top is a wide swath. As we ascend, we become more gaseous, metaphorically, and we become more expansive. We get closer to the rest of reality as we grow, and we start to realize that we are all connected. Our consciousness gets big and spread out, and therefore it becomes more sensitive to what is going on around it. When we move down the vibrational ladder, we get separate, more alone, more secluded, less sensitive. Humans in the 21st century who are reading a blog written by someone who is rather progressive might say that “higher is better! lower is terrible!” but that’s really just a cultural value judgment based on the context of the situation. When you go up, you turn into God, and you get to know everything, and you get to see everything from up there. It’s really amazing if you’ve been down on the floor for a while. But it’s also a lot of responsibility. You see the repercussions of all of your actions. This is what the Taoists would call the supreme Yang state. You are the creator. But it is very sharp and rigid. Being God is not quite the fairy tale that people think it is.

So gods like to go down the ladder and experience separation. They say “I’ve had enough of this all-knowing shit! I wanna have some innocent fun!” So they jump into Earth, which is a very low vibration station; their memories are wiped, and here we are! In this crazy overload of material stimulation and insanity. It’s crowded, hot, and noisy. But it’s great too! This is a totally unique form of life, and other forms are totally excited to try this form. And trust me, they’re here already. They’re just sneaky.

But the density of Earth can cause some serious suffering. Energy crystallizes into these really dense rocks, and they’re heavy. It takes a lot of work and effort just to get little things done, but you get to actually look at the results, not just imagine them. So that’s pretty cool! And then people get so separated from one another that they become totally ignorant and forget the divine cosmic information that is so easy to access on the higher vibrations. They start doing really strange and irrational things like destroying other life forms. At the very low vibrations there is a lot of chaos and destruction. But, those beings kind of wanted that chaos. They were sick of the ordered connectivity of the upper realms.

It’s a grand whole mess of options and choices, a perilous plurality of ebullient voices. It’s reality. And you’re in it. You just fix the vibration you want to reach on your internal vibratometer called your heart, and your third eye shines the way forward, whether it’s into gnosis, loving, and bliss of the higher realms, or fuck this shit, I need to get some separation in the lower realms. But just be aware that we’re all little vibrating spiders on Indra’s net, the cosmic space-time continuum, and if you are shouting out some reckless shit, that’s cool, but it has consequences. Know that what you think is changing everything around you. If you say “I want to think about how everything is lovely and beautiful all day,” guess what? It’s gonna manifest around you, as best it can (we’re all dealing with the reverberations of the past decisions echoing forward).  If you say “I want to think about how all Muslims are fucking assholes from a broken religion,” fine, but that has consequences too. That’s what you’re gonna see. There is always a balance, not a commandment. And you’ll probably be able to find proof for both of those suppositions. You are an Incredibly Powerful agent of manifestation.

So you go up, and you go down. Life is the song with the neverending sound that goes Ommmm, composed of lows and surprised by highs. It’s a symphony that God alone can only understand. But when you move up into that inverse triangle of higher vibration and expansiveness, you start to remember that you are God yourself! You just forgot it down there in the muck. Hahahaha! It’s so much fun. It’s like a day at a water park. I’m climbing up the high dive. Will I stay or will I jump?


Cool is the fool’s faith. Stick to the real and you’ll never be alone.

​Seek realness and not coolness. Cool is fashion. Real is eternal. Sometimes they’re the same but often not. If you stick to the real, you can be incredibly uncool sometimes, but you’ll have an internal integrity that some call faith. Faith will always be a strange and formless thing that will always confound you. That’s why we call it God or Tao which is shorthand for who the fuck knows! 

Real is fucking great! It will make you feel a thousand miles deep and a light year high. But you might be a total failure according to the standards of society, but when you walk you’ll have this magnificent dark shadow aura that envelops you.

Don’t be cool unless you really are.