Ten years ago I began using the dissociative drug DXM on a semi-regular basis as a means of controlling my fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome. It was helpful in lowering my fatigue and pain level. But soon it started to draw me into a deeper world of my subconscious and unconscious self, challenging my perceptions of what is real and what is possible. I posted on here back in 2017, I believe, about how DXM changed my being.
However, recently, I have received the message that I have “graduated” from that world, and I need to stay on Earth from now on, and leave certain drugs behind, lest I become totally insane. I generally refer to the voice or logos in my head as my conscience. I think that is the closest term that describes what I experience outside of the word daimon or communicator.
Over the last ten years, I have developed a method of psychedelic aided active imagination similar to Carl Jung’s or Rudolf Steiner’s approach, but utilizing dissociative tools like DXM, Ketamine, or high dose THC extract. After years of working with my imagination, I grew to develop relationships with entities and beings in that realm. I developed a language of images, phrases, and songs that allowed me to discern what was being communicated. My conscience would use these repeat phrases or images to communicate some meaning. This technique was also combined with zen meditation, daoist internal alchemy, creative play, divination, group ritual, sigil creation, live performance, and many other techniques of spiritual development.
As an aside, I want to assert that although I tend to refer to the entities I encountered as other than myself, they themselves said they prefer to be called the unconscious rather than God. But this term is interchangeable generally with God or divinity. However, I can accept if they are only within myself OR they are in some sort of collective unconscious that includes other people. I tend towards the latter, but it does not really matter to me. They exist within my consciousness, as all of my experience technically does. I’ve never experienced anything that was not my brain’s representation of something “outside” of myself, so the preference our society displays for “external” or “objective” reality is mostly just bias in my opinion.
So anyway, I have been working with this realm for a decade or so. I developed a new form of energy manipulation whereby I am able to draw energy up from the earth, to propel myself upward. It is difficult to communicate this energetic technique because it is part “real” in that I can feel my body vibrating with energy when I “turn off the jets” so to speak. However, I think that it propels my astral body to a higher plane somehow. All I know is that I have been doing this technique for about 8 years, and from my experience, it seems to have been a key part of my “climbing” the mountain, as I like to put it.
Some part of my journey over the last decade can be described as learning to trust my unconscious/subconscious/dream self. At first, I was roundly terrified of the things that it was telling me. They were so severe and unflinching that I was afraid and tried to run from them. However, I was continually drawn back into this world as if I needed to complete some task. Others have definitely looked at me as if I was partially insane. Just read the comments on the first link I posted lol.
How my bleak life encouraged my spiritual seeking
Part of the explanation for why I was so fixated on the “inner world” was because I was so maligned, alone, and stressed by the bleak nature of my life. Ten years ago, I realized that I was transgender and needed to allow myself to express myself using my natural, expressive, and feminine modes of expression. Finally, I let down after trying to be this male thing that I always felt like I was faking. It was a relief. However, as I found relief, others, including my ex-wife reacted in horror and went to war against me to keep my children from even knowing I exist. They have been successful. Using money and stigma, they destroyed my life and spirit by keeping my beautiful children from me by slandering me as dangerous and “crazy.”
I had to walk alone because rejection jumped out from every corner. I learned to depend on divinity because that was the only reliable thing in my life. And, I was raised in a very religious, evangelical household, and I wanted closure on what to think of Christianity after being so rejected by its modern incarnation. I developed PTSD from the court proceedings and my transition in general. My life spiraled into despair and self-destruction. The suicidal urges that had been with me most of my adult life began to gain more and more prominence in my psyche. I attempted to kill myself multiple times. Eventually, I became homeless and alone, plagued with a really insane chronic disease, rejected by society for coming out as transgender, and totally impoverished with a long absence in my work record. I continued to use DXM because at that point, I had no other means of controlling my chronic fatigue and pain, even though it tipped me into hypomania many times. And I was also trying to escape into that dream world, away from this world of pain and rejection.
I attempted suicide for the last time in January of 2016, but as I neared death, 250 toxic pills in my stomach, slowly shutting down my body, I wrote a suicide note, angrily castigating America and those who had persecuted me. I read the note back to myself, and with death creeping, and the darkness growing, I had an awakening. In a snap, I realized that my suicide note was so childish and angry, and I realized I was not as enlightened or “spiritual” as I thought I was. And I called for an ambulance and recovered after a long hospital stay.
After the hospital, I got into a residential treatment program, in part, because of Obamacare’s Medicaid expansion. And I was able to take four months to get my wits back, stop taking DXM and alcohol, and work on getting a job again. Honestly, when I got into treatment, I “knew” that I was fixed and the suicidal thoughts were gone. I felt a strange new presence in my heart, and I then started to have new abilities related to my active imagination technique. I stopped using DXM for 9 months and meditated daily, studying numerous techniques for consciousness change. I did find work, and I have been working full time ever since. I have also completed a Master’s degree in Mental Health Counseling since then.
Back to the psychonaut part of the story
Eventually, I started to use DXM again, but soon I started to realize that I was becoming allergic to the drug somehow. I don’t know what I’m allergic to or if my body was just like “enough,” but I had to stop using it daily in 2017. However, because I used so many dissociative psychedelics, my relationship with THC changed forever. Now, when I smoked weed, the high became very introverted and psychedelic. I learned that THC dabs were now more psychedelic than DXM or Ketamine. I shifted to using THC as a primary means of active imagining. And I continued to visit that world in search of something. I suppose I was searching for God. And eventually, I found it.
Over the last year, my trips have become extremely positive and also very intense. I have been informed that I have achieved whatever it is I was there to achieve. I regularly encountered deities such as Jupiter, Saturn, Amun, Yahweh/Abba, and more. I was told that when I die, I will not die and will go to their realm. I have seen my future body being created. I was told that I am anointed by God. I was told that my chief deity is the God of Abraham because he is my ancestral deity. I met a personification of this deity in the form of a large, old, middle eastern looking man with a good sense of humor. I REALLY did not think I would come back to my childhood religion in the psychedelic realm, but now I see that it is beautiful because I have learned that He is growing with us, changing, and adapting. He is the same deity of the Christian/Muslim era or the Jewish era, but now he is different. He now says that his wife is coequal to him. They have told me that the trinity is now Father, Mother, and Child. The child being humanity or the individual adept. The “godmother” is a wonderful, warm, nurturing grandmother that brings me to tears when I think about her. I fully understand that these are personifications and simplifications of these deities, but I am unsure if humans can experience any other form of a deity than a simplified version.
A “graduation” or an end to the transition
But meeting these deities happened to be the end of my journey. Just last week, I was told that I was officially “graduated” from that realm and needed to get to work in this earthly realm, building a new way of being. I was almost forcefully kicked off the mountain because I had become attached to that world and was still in some way craving their acknowledgment and abdicating my own responsibility in search of a savior. I see now how I cannot be with them because I have too many attachments in my life. In reality, the life I live now has to have these attachments. Just surviving in modern America with a chronic illness requires so much attention to detail. American and Western lives in general are dominated by attachments to thousands of required systems, constructs, peoples, histories, and rules. I was deeply saddened that I would not be able to long for that world in the same way anymore, but I understand now how I was asking them to do for me what I needed to do for myself. For a while, I was worried that I had made some mistake and was being judged, but these fears were unfounded. They did tell me that individuals can “ascend” to that realm without dying a natural death, but that they needed to be able to fully detach from this world while still being able to support and protect their bodies, which rarely happens, they assured me.
However, right before this “graduation” of sorts, I began a few new medications that are revolutionizing my life, helping me to move beyond being controlled by my disability. Also, in order to progress the final steps of the “mountain” I had to cut ties with some very difficult to sever relationships in my life that had become toxic. They encouraged me to stand up for myself and rebuke the people who had sold me out and abandoned me. They encouraged me to stop using alcohol and nicotine, which I gave up earlier this year. They encouraged me to switch careers to a helping field like counseling. With each last step in the process of that world, I became a fully new person in my “real” life. I can see now that the inner journey I was on was really just trying to get me to fully own my existence, one step at a time. Now, I am a fundamentally different person than I was ten years ago. I am strong, self-confident, creative, feminine, and open. I still have work to do, but I feel whole in body, mind, and soul.
What does it all mean?
Is this inner world real? Do actions there affect the physical world around me? Maybe? I don’t know. I do know that I still have many of the helpers and voices of that world in my consciousness who will often remind me to do things the right way and who will give me encouragement. I also know that when I was told in a final ritual that if I stayed in that world I would go insane, I felt a huge amount of energy come back to me that was “invested” in that world. It was like I was chained to that world somehow, and the chain was unlocked and given back to me. I feel much more grounded and able to move forward. I feel integrated. I am healed and ready to focus on the external, with my foray into the dream world of DXM, Ketamine, DMT, and other substances fading into the past. But my extensive journals and memories will stay with me forever. And I am kind of glad for the madness of it to be over, to be honest.
I have used a THC dab since then, and the voice was kind, but told me “THC makes you way too introverted, and we need you to be extroverted now.” And I understand. I see that now. I see how I was in some part afraid of the external world, so I languished in the ethereal within. Now, I am ready to move forward, peaceful, happy, and grounded. I still have fears, as we all do. But I generally have the courage to move through the fear in spite of its warnings. I am awake in the middle of a pandemic and cold civil war, and I am OK. I trust in myself and my ability to persevere. I am not worried so much about perfection or purity at this point. I think those are outdated spiritual concepts. I experimented and explored. I made many “mistakes,” but I kept going. Committing to this journey was a tremendous investment with very large opportunity costs. I had to spend so much time meditating, researching, tripping, divining, and more. Most of this was solitary but I also worked with groups as well. I see it as a process of restoring my soul.
However, I do not view this as a path for everyone. We all come from a rich ancestral heritage. My heritage is European and Christian, although I don’t call myself a Christian now. But I was raised in this tradition, and I believe that matters. Find your own path. Seek your own higher powers. But I found an end to the psychonaut rainbow, and I feel as though I am an astronaut who has successfully landed back on Earth when this is definitely not guaranteed. Many get lost in space. Many crash down to Earth. If you are not a monk in a monastery or supported by others, you will likely be too attached to spend too long in those exalted states, which is fine. But with psychedelics, there is some bold new path available that I fully believe is the new spiritual paradigm unfolding right now. I did not know where I was going, but due to the loving grace of my unconscious divinity, I am back on terra firma, metaphorically.
Blessings to you on your journey and transition to where you need to be, in the dark world and the light world too.