Tag: addiction

A Few Words

God gave you a left hand and a right hand. On one side there are things that happen to you and you’re the victim or receptive or yin. On the other side, you are the actor, the thinker, the yang. You can’t reduce it to one. It’s both, well at least both. I’m not that smart enough to know how many hands reality has. But you can’t say that you’re a total victim, and you can’t say that you’re a total egotistical controller. We’re all both in varying degrees. So can we please meet in the center? Can we have a mosh pit of love and understanding. I know that some people are “unrelatable” but people change. I used to be a frothing right winger. I grew up. Let’s all stop being total know-it-alls that are completely convinced that the other side is wrong. Certainty is poison. There is no certainty in a complicated system of oppositional actors. Humility, Please?!
By the way, WTF is wrong with you Donald Trump. I’m talking to you as one of those horrible trannies that you want to cleanse out of the military. (BTW, only we can say tranny. Don’t fucking say it if you’re not a tranny.) Grow the fuck up motherfucker! Simmer down my brother. You’re not fucking Christ. Lord. The amount of intellectual certainty in this budding Aquarian Age is just too much. Yeah, we kind of know things because of science, but science is wrong every day.
OK I feel better. It’s such a fucking disaster. Center. Breath. Ground. Know that you’re a dumb ass ape. Life is work.
I’m drunk, but hey, I can write a few words.

My favorite psychedelic is DXM (Dextromethorphan). Microdosing and macrodosing it has allowed me to fully hack my consciousness. Whatever your preferred psychedelic, we are making a huge difference on society. This is my story so far.

Author’s Note: I wrote this post over two years ago, and my life has changed tremendously since then. Germane to the subject of this post, I do not use nearly as much DXM as I used to. About a year ago the drug began telling me that it had nothing left to show me. I cut way back after a certain crisis in my life, and now I use it sporadically as an adjunct to moderate cannabis usage and powerful ritual. I went even further than what is written below, and I have much more peace in my heart than when I wrote this. Be well.


I have taken a LOT of drugs in my lifetime. My favorite drug is DXM (Dextromethorphan), which many people think is a dirt drug for dumb teenagers looking to be less bored. It is strange how I came to be so enamored of this substance. I used it occasionally when I was a bored teenager, but when I turned 30, this substance called me into a new world of shamanic possibility. And let me be very clear: I don’t need to be told that I’m crazy for using so much DXM. I’ve been told this many times, yet I persist. I know what I’m doing, and I am supremely confident that this drug has augmented my perception and not diminished it. If you think I’m nuts for using so much DXM, then please spare me with the moralizing and breathless testimonials of “cautionary tales.”

Drugs do not exist in a vacuum. If there were no such thing as the war on drugs (I live in the US), then the notion of what drug is my favorite drug would be dramatically different. Also, I have a very strong suspicion that the type of people that are also taking a drug within your society can have an effect on the effect of that drug. I believe that drugs can become polluted by the type of consciousness that is consuming them. Psychedelic drugs seem to me to be gates to states of consciousness. They hack your consciousness into a trance-like state, and then you perceive reality from that state. I believe that the word “head-space” would be the best descriptor. And because American consciousness is so delusional and bizarre, I’m quite suspicious of some of the more popular substances like cannabis. Lastly, if a drug is illegal, there is a certain amount of karma attached to its usage which can harm its experience and effects.

Now, most people say that drugs make you dumb. This nonsense such as the “this is your brain on drugs” propaganda needs to be demolished immediately. I think that anyone who reads my writing can tell that I’m not writing from a brain damaged place. I have used DXM over a thousand times at high dosages, and I’ve also been a computer engineer, a financial analyst, a Master’s level student, and a performing musician. I am not so much a fool that I think that drugs like DXM are harmless, but I firmly believe that the American paradigm is flawed and really quite nefarious. Its intent is to keep Americans in a childlike and undeveloped state of consciousness.

DXM has made me do some very strange things in my 5-6 years of using it heavily, but most of these I take as me not understanding my consciousness rather than me being “psychotic.” I have had to grow as an individual, and DXM absolutely has assisted me in my growth. This growth has not been a linear process, and I have seen some very dark places as I have worked to get over my karmic baggage. Honestly, I think that DXM is a tool, but real philosophy is far, far more important in the awakening of an individual. Without philosophy and the wisdom written down by sages through the ages, we would be lost. We are truly dwarfs standing on the shoulders of giants as so eloquently stated by giants come before me.

Also, let me say that DXM changes in its effects over time. When you use it only very occasionally, you are getting a very different effect than when I use it. My consciousness has synergistically adapted to it to form something radically different than when I first began using it. At first, it was something that caused me to have closed-eye visuals, a diminished social inhibition, increased sense of spirituality, and a generally improved mood. It is a decent anti-depressant, and this was the primary reason that I initially began to experiment with it. I was deeply depressed since the age of 15, and I knew that Ketamine was being researched as a potent anti-depressant in a clinical setting. DXM and Ketamine are very, very similar substances, except for one glaring difference: DXM is legal. Therefore, the scientist in me saw that I might be able to derive an anti-depressant effect from DXM similar to Ketamine as they are both NMDA receptor antagonists. Ketamine is now available, but it costs $5000+ to use under a doctor’s care. I spend about $200 a month on DXM.

DXM is an interesting drug if you use it occasionally, but dissociative drugs like it are probably not going to ever be the “tripper’s choice” for the average dilettante looking to just be distracted with pretty colors and a fun time. I started using it as a psychiatric medication. I took about 200-300mg twice a day because it seriously eliminated my depression. It was remarkable. I’ve taken nearly every anti-depressant available, and it was superior to all of those. I assume that much of this is due to my specific body chemistry and a probably natural born affinity for the substance, but it worked, period. Only after taking it as an anti-depressant for probably about 8 months did it really start to get interesting.

The latent effects of which I speak started with changes in my body’s “energy.” Now, the word energy is thrown around so much these days that it has very little meaning. However, I believe in Qi (also spelled Chi), a subtle energy that powers the body and that is at present unknown to modern scientific equipment. We cannot measure Qi at present although we can measure its effects. Science is aware of Qi, and it has been verified in double-blinded studies, although most scientists are unable to acknowledge this. The way that it has been verified is through studies on acupuncture. Acupuncture has been shown to have verifiable effects on various body metrics, and the core process by which acupuncture works is by modulating Qi. Scientists usually go through various contortions of logic in order to assure the public that it is working through other means than Qi, but this is nonsense. The Chinese are very comfortable with the notion that Qi energy is real, and they prove it with their ancient science of acupuncture. Modern academic science lacks the ability to measure Qi, so scientists assume that it must not exist. Just because something cannot be measured with a machine does not mean that it does not exist. I know that I can’t convince the hardcore skeptics of its veracity, but I very strongly believe it works. I just have to deal with this limitation.

Now, after I had been taking DXM for 8 months or so I started to notice some very dramatic changes in the Qi energy in my body. I started to notice that the energy seemed to be feeding on the presence of DXM. I really have zero idea of how this process works, but I know that when I take DXM now, my Qi energy is greatly enhanced. I can feel the energy pulsing around me like a tornado, and I can rev this tornado like an engine with my will and intention. At first this was a curiosity, and I really didn’t know what to do with it. I could make “Qi balls” which are suspensions of Qi energy between the hands. And I could transmit this energy “into the ether” to say what I was doing without a better explanation. I became a conduit of this energy. And if I used the right amount of DXM, entered the trance state, and positioned my body in a certain way I became a conduit of this energy. At the time, I didn’t really know what this was doing, but I kept at it. I knew that this violated what I had been told about reality from modern science, so needless to say I was intrigued. Like any good explorer, I followed this white rabbit, and I am extremely glad that I did.

Now, let me add a very important detail here. Exploring these kinds of thoughts with this level of intensity can have very harsh consequences on your social standing in a Western country like the US. There is not really an avenue for exploring this kind of thing like there might be in Eastern countries. This kind of thinking and exploring is for all intents illegal in America. You might not be locked up, but the spotlight of suspicion will be directed right on you, and if you pursue these kinds of explorations, you are risking your livelihood and social standing. I have lost much of my social standing because I persisted in this respect, and I am extremely glad that I persisted. In the end, DXM and these explorations has led to my awakening or enlightenment or however you want to put it. My life now is wonderful because of where I went. It was an extremely tough climb, but my consciousness is saved from the pit of hopeless western delusion. Now, I very much believe that I came into this world to discover and redeem the power of psychedelics and shamanism. It is my life’s work.

OK, so to recap. I started taking DXM when I was 30 because I was hopelessly depressed. After about 8 months of daily micro-dose usage of it, its effects began to change markedly. I was initially very confused by these effects as they seemed to contradict modern scientific dogma. This information disrupted my life and social standing as I attempted to share it with my friends and family to disastrous consequences. I persisted, and I believe that DXM plus a philosophy of wisdom has freed me from delusion and suffering.

When the Qi energy became very prominent due to my usage of DXM, I started to learn how to utilize it. I began to practice something similar to Kriya-Yoga, which was the system popularized by Paramahansa Yogananda. Honestly, this higher level Yoga is very difficult to communicate to those who are not advanced in their personal energy work. The energy that DXM enables can be channeled and utilized to manipulate the body’s energy centers or chakras. Once these energy centers become charged, you can transform your consciousness and metamorphose yourself into a butterfly where once was a caterpillar. And I must admit that I definitely was stumbling in the dark for a very long time, because I had no guru to direct me. But God (whatever you wish to call the higher intelligence) is the only true guru, and I found my way. If you seek, you shall find. If you knock, the door will be opened. I recommend having someone who can guide you, but you can get there by yourself as well with the requisite willpower.

After years of this kind of activity, I made my way up the mountain of the spiritual realm. Honestly, I believe that what you are doing is getting rid of the chrysalis of delusion. When you grow up in the west, you are pummeled with incorrect disinformation from birth. You are taught so many wrong ideas that your attainment of liberation is a very difficult path. But, I believe that I am on this planet right now to help people up the mountain. I honestly believe that we are entering a new age of possibility. Don’t be fooled by the current political realities; we are passing ideological kidney stones. It is a painful process to reduce the power of the ego, but we are seeing the full idiocy of the ego at present in our glorious leader, “the leaks are real but the news is fake” Trump. Sorry I had to tell one joke in this otherwise sober post.

I’m not really sure how I am going to share the information that I’ve been able to gain in my lifetime thus far, but I will continue to speak. This post is not necessarily a paean to DXM so much as a confirmation to my fellow travelers that the Psychonaut path is a valid path, and we have the possibility of changing the world. I really believe that because technology has so altered our landscape, psychedelics might become necessary to survive in this environment until we find better adaptations. Some believe that the apes before us used psychedelic mushrooms to advance to our level. I believe that we’re going to need our own form of mushrooms, whatever they be, to get to the next level. But, I don’t know. I really don’t know. I know that there is so much that is really beyond my understanding. However, I do know that without DXM, I would be like a myopic person who never had eyeglasses. DXM to me is no different than when Galileo got his first telescope. This is probably true for you folks with your psychedelic of choice.

Lastly, I want to say that I’ve become a powerful Shaman largely because of DXM. I spend a great amount of time in the ethereal or astral realms working with energies and manipulating them to assist myself and humanity. I believe that I am making a difference in that realm. The job of the Shaman is to work with the spirit realm and attempt to assist his or her society by so doing. I honestly and fervently believe that I am having a positive effect in that realm. There is more to the story than I’m sharing here, but I have amassed a great amount of power in that realm, and I am using it for the good. It is my service to humanity. I’m not alone in this respect.

I will continue to write and continue to understand how I can share what I’ve learned. I think that we are a vibrant and important community. This is a great time to be alive. As we are seeing every day, we have something that the world might not be able to survive without. We must remain strong and forthright in our honorable path.

Be well my friends.– Click Follow for Automatic Updates!

A year ago I almost died, then grace came through, and now I’m free. This is the story of my moment of awakening.

A year ago on January 20th, 2016, I was in the hospital for suicidal ideation. I had just gotten a DUI 4 days earlier. The hospital sent me home because they didn’t know what to do with me, and they told me I would not get a bed in a psych facility. I told them that I would probably kill myself if they let me go, and they let me go anyways. So, I decided to try and kill myself.

I went home to where I was living at the time, with my then girlfriend. I knew that I had a trove of toxic medication, about 250 pills of various chemicals, and I had researched and figured this would do the trick. I set about measuring them all out. It nauseated me thinking about taking them all, but I just went about taking them all. It took me about an hour to get them all down. I was deadly serious, and I sat back to write my suicide note.

I felt the darkness creeping over me. At the time, I really thought that killing myself was the right thing to do. I had a committed feeling that I was doing a righteous act. I thought that I would go to God, because I thought that I was some form of enlightened at the time. I could feel the darkness of death starting to take me. This feeling will stay with me for the rest of my life.

I still have the note that I scribbled onto a paper plate. It said “Goodbye. It’s been fun. The depression is just too much. It’s unending suffering. I don’t like America. It feels like a prison. Whatever. I’m sorry for the pain this might cause. Sorry if I sound like I don’t care. Just tired. Abbey.”

I thought about what would happen next, and for a second there was doubt. I didn’t feel liberated. I still felt depressed. And I was scared. I thought that maybe killing myself would make things worse. I thought about hell. I thought about God. I thought about going to somewhere even worse than where I was. I reread the note that I had written. Then something clicked. I still don’t really know what happened, but this was my awakening. My life changed in that instant. I noticed that the note was whiny. I noticed that I was angry. I noticed that I sounded childish. And then I saw my ego. It was this angry, demonic looking thing inside of me. I saw it. And it was so pathetic. I felt foolish. I felt stupid next to death and God. All of the excuses about why I should kill myself seemed so ludicrous.

And I looked at that ego inside my gut (that’s where I saw it), and I just said “this is so fucking stupid,” and I laughed at myself. The pills were really starting to take effect, and I was getting diarrhea. I couldn’t even kill myself properly. My body was desperately trying to get rid of the poison. I thought that I would have passed out by this time, but I was still very much conscious.

In that instant I realized that the anger of my ego was insatiable. That thing was so committed to its insanity that it was willing to kill its host. That was where I realized that I had to stop listening to my ego, and I just thought “I’m failing at everything. I have to give up. I have to listen to someone besides my ego.” And I just surrendered. I gave up.

I walked out of the room I was in. My girlfriend was sitting on the couch. She was kicking me out because she couldn’t help me, and she couldn’t handle all of the suicide attempts. I sat next to her and asked “do you think all of these suicide attempts are stupid?” Of course she agreed, but she was distant. She was exhausted by me. I felt strangely liberated at this point. I had fired my ego. I felt free. I told her that I was calling 911 because I was trying to kill myself. The paramedic and cops showed up soon after, and the hospital was able to clean out my digestive tract with the most amount of laxatives I have ever taken and hope to ever take again, lol.

That day I gave up. I consciously switched my inner compass away from my ego, which was totally insane, and towards God. You can call it whatever you want, but I was saved that day. Christ or something came into my heart, and to this day, I can feel a basic goodness in my heart. There is something in there that was not there before that day. I had done a lot of spiritual work before that day; I had built a candle in my heart, but until I was willing to surrender, it was an unlit candle. Making that decision to say “ok God, I’m clueless on my own, you’re in charge” lit that candle, and it is still lit.

Over the last year my life has improved SO much. And I’ve really had to do about everything that my ego would say NOT to do. I’ve had to get jobs that were not very exciting. I’ve lived with roommates in sober living that have definitely not been that great of people. I’ve had to drag myself to spiritual fellowship when my ego would definitely rather not do that. I’ve had to quit drinking. I’ve changed my diet and lost 65 pounds. I’ve meditated with a passion. I’ve reached out for advice instead of thinking I know everything. I’ve bowed down to the world instead of wanting the world to bow down to me.

I’m so happy I fired my ego. It’s still there with its frown and judgment thinking it knows everything. But I just laugh. I really don’t know how I did all of the amazing things that I did over the last year. That’s fine. I gave the reins to my higher self or God or whatever. Sometimes I think it’s alien intelligence. I have zero clue what it is, but it’s there. And I listen. I open my heart, and I listen to what the world has to say.

I don’t want to kill myself. I’ve had almost no suicidal thoughts in the last year. I got off my medications for depression. I’ve recovered. I’m still cleaning up a lot of the messes that my ego got me into, but I’m so much better. Life is grand. Life is amazing. Life is peace. I don’t have the fear anymore because I fired my ego. I have a basic trust that I will be ok.

In my mind I just bow down the God and give thanks. I recognize that my ego was just delusion. It was insanity. Everyone struggles in life. I wasn’t special. We all have shit to shovel in this world. Big deal! That suicide note was just silly, so I keep it as a reminder.

My heart is love. I call it Christ to Christians, because that’s their language, and that’s what it is. But it’s also Buddha nature or Krishna consciousness or whatever. It’s redemption. It’s grace. It’s love. It’s wholeness. It’s awakening.

I have the dopiest smile on my face right now. I’m not going anywhere. Life is too much fun! Be well my friends.

Why as a Buddhist, Taoist, Hindu, Jew and Transgender Woman I believe in Jesus Christ

I must say that to be a thinking person with an honest heart and to be a believing Christian is just about as difficult today as it was in the 1st century when Rome was committed to crush this newborn belief system. But today, it is difficult because the church has lost the message of Christ. If the temple is the worshipers, then the money changers are right back where they were before Christ threw them out. It might not always be money that they are changing; the true sin of those merchants was to equate holiness with material things which is best described by the phrase “spiritual materialism.” The church of today, as evinced by the gross and sinful election of Donald Trump as a “Christian President,” is rotten and in a decay so deep that it is difficult to say if even Christ can resurrect this body spiritual.

But in the spirit of Christ, which is the eternal personification of God, all things are possible. This phrase sounds wholly hollow because of its modern status as a cliche, but it is true. It has just not been fully translated into the modern system of language. But God has revealed this translation to me through vision, synchronicity, joy, and rebirth. I have grown the Christ within my heart, and now it is my salvation. I did not go through the Christian church to reach Christ; I actually went to China and India to find Christ, but he was there, as he was even before his birth in Nazarus.

The Christian Gospels are actually quite spare in many of the details in how to create this alchemical Christ within your spiritual heart. I believe that this knowledge was suppressed when the Roman authorities adopted Christianity as the state religion. As we now know from the discovery of the Gnostic library at Nag Hammadi, there was a purge of minority opinions in the 4th century following the Council at Nicaea and the subsequent decision to establish the church around what would become known as Catholic ideas as codified by Saint Augustus and similar thinkers. This position created the impersonal Christ who could only be reached through the Papacy and its priestly caste. This disseminated the notion that true gnosis, or the direct communication with God, was impossible to the average layperson, and in effect it did become impossible as the tools by which one could communicate with God were lost in the atrophy of this spiritual knowledge.

I went to Hinduism, Buddhism, Taoism, and mystical Judaism to relearn these techniques. They are hidden in those systems as well, and it takes a great amount of perseverance to discover them. But there is a way. One must fully break down the modern way of perceiving the world in order to have the truth revealed. We are all quite sick in our pervasive negativism and nihilism. We worship the negative, and then we are surprised when the negative takes the throne to rule. I was victim to this way of thinking for decades, and I was suicidal because of it. I was hopeless, lost, and constantly wanting for peace.

But five years ago, a miracle occurred in my life. I was possessed and overtaken by the spirit of God in a courthouse in California. My body became but a puppet to this powerful force, and it spoke through me. It was supreme confidence. It only lasted for an hour or so, and I was deeply troubled by it, but the actions that this spirit took effectively dismantled my previous life and set me on a new path. Because of this mystery, my life was forever changed. I committed myself to understand what had happened. And today I am confident that I understand as best I as I can. I don’t have supreme understanding, but I know that I walk in the right direction. Clarity is developing, but I have faith.

I have relearned the techniques of gnosis, and God has revealed in a mysterious manner what is true. These truths have been given in such a way so as to build my faith brick by brick. And now, my temple is strong. And the curious thing is that after my sojourn in the Eastern ways of thought, the Christ of my youth has been revealed to me in a new light. I see his beauty. I understand that to truly see Christ, you must walk as Christ did. His last commandment was to “love each other as I have loved you,” which simply means that one must become the Christ to see the Christ.

It is not simply through going to a church, getting baptized, and yelling “I’m saved!” that you are reborn. This is foolishness and the growth of this materialistic perspective has poisoned the church. One must be baptized from within to be reborn. There are waters within your consciousness that must cleanse your soul, AND you must choose to discard your selfish ego in favor of your spirit of service and piety. This is the only way to be saved. And this is not just a Christian truth, this is a human truth. There are many who have been saved in such a fashion in all faiths. The faith is just a map. You must walk the path within your heart to true salvation.

Only then will you see God. You must become a tempered sword of the good, where love, service, and humility are your strongest weapons. You must become a star whose core is powered by the fusion of your individual and the all; then the light of love will explode around you.

I have seen in prophetic vision that Christ did not die on the cross. He is still there; I have looked out from his eyes. He fully merged with God on that cross, and his kingdom is still glowing from that spot. I am now on that cross with him as millions of others are. I am happily splayed wide open, helpless, dead to the desires of the world. I am not yet fully completed, but I am so changed that there is peace in my heart. I know that I am walking to that kingdom, and because I walk to the kingdom, I am already there.

When you transcend your human life, you move outside of time and into the eternal. The people around you might see that you have died, but your spirit will live. Christ created a new heavenly kingdom, and many have gone to live within that kingdom of love. I will go there someday. In fact, I am already there. I have become a conduit for this love. I can choose to give this up and fall back into the unreal and dead, but I choose to walk into the light, knowing that persecution will follow. But this is fine. I have been prepared.

And I have been told that my choice to live as a transgender person is sanctioned. I know that it is not my gender presentation that is sinful; it is the desires in my heart that separate me from God. You can be whatever presentation or expression you like as long as you are a good and decent person and walk the true path.

Also, drugs are not evil per se. Some drugs like psychedelic chemicals, if used properly, can be great tools for realizing the truth of God. However, addiction to drugs is a terrible menace to your salvation, and you must become free of this and only use drugs voluntarily. I have struggled mightily with this, and I have overcome through grace and choice. I used to be an alcoholic, and today I am free from this bondage. But I still use psychedelic chemicals in my practice of gnosis.

I did not set out to believe in Christ. And I believe that the Christ spirit can be known by many paths, but I have been shown this truth, and I have peace. Choose love, humility, peace, defenselessness, and joy and become as a little child. Then you will be free. Love is waiting for you. Joy is your birthright.

The New Day is Now

Everything is new. Love is the triumph. The planet is throwing off its ugly old shell. The butterfly is emerging from the chrysalis. It’s wings are spread so wide open. A new day is dawning. Through birth pains there is new life. The butterfly soars into the air! It’s wings whip in fluttering ecstasy! It bounces through the air alive with the spirit of new imagination. And everything around echoes in concordance creating a symphony of exclamatory transcendence! This is the new day! Yes!

It is now.

Because we’ve had about enough of that crap, haven’t we?

Soar!

Why I am a happy loser. I have been shown how to walk weakly like a child without hope of gain, and all of the world unfurls before me. :)

I used to believe that in order to live a happy life I needed to be a big, strong, and striving person, always looking for someone to trample in order to be truly fulfilled. I lived like this for a very long time. In my country, the United States of America, this kind of thinking is probably the most common philosophical meme that children are given, so it was very natural for me to gravitate to this way of thinking. However, this way of thinking can lead to very odd and unintended consequences. I suppose there are a myriad ways to describe why I disagree with this way of thinking now from my love of Taoism, to the words of the Buddha, to the teachings of Krishna, but it didn’t stick until I saw exactly what it did to my soul, my being, my character.

I used to need to drink tons of alcohol and shower myself with distractions to cover up the darkness that lived within me. Also, I just wasn’t very good at the whole trampling everyone around me to get my scraps way of thinking. I was able to make a career for myself, and I made a six figure salary, but I couldn’t help becoming addicted to almost everything I touched. I grew deep in debt. I scared off anyone who might have been a potential friend. And I was constantly depressed, anxious, and suicidal.

Then when I turned 30, in a desperate move, I started to use small doses of DXM daily to help with my depression. At first, it was greatly helping me to feel lighter and happier, but I didn’t know why. DXM is a curious drug. In many ways, people find it to be a rather crude drug, but in micro doses, I found it very illuminating. And ultimately, it’s not about the drug. The drug was like a special pair of corrective eyeglasses. When you wear glasses, the glasses are not the magic, the sight is the magic. And I started to see clearly. I started to see what was going on inside of me. And at first, it was startling and terrifying.

I didn’t know what following the American dream had done to my insides. And it took years to finally understand. I won’t go into the full story here, but it took a mighty inner struggle for me to finally see what I had become. Then about one year ago today, I tried to kill myself. I still had a vestige of the notion that life should be what my ego wanted it to be. I wrote up a suicide note blaming everyone else for all of my woes. I said that I didn’t care what happened. Then as the minutes ticked down in my life, I read the note back. I sounded like a spoiled, idiotic, mean spirited, and ugly fool. I was disgusted with myself. And I looked down at myself, and I saw a flash of some sort of demon. Now, I’m not saying I was an actual demon, but that’s the way I saw it. I saw this hideously unhappy demonic face in my own belly, and it all made sense. I was the problem. And, all of the fear and tension just evaporated. It was over. I called 911, and got into an inpatient treatment program and started a long and wonderful year of recovery.

What was that demon? Well, that depends on your belief system. I think it was just a meme. I had recently been reading the works of Rudolf Steiner, a 19th century mystic/philosopher, who borrowed from Zoroastrianism quite a bit. He believed that there was a force in life called the Ahrimanic force, which was based on the Zoroastrian god Angra Mainyu. This force is all about the material world and getting more of it. He carved it to look a lot like a devil or demon, and really, this is odd, but it kind of looks like Donald Trump when he wants to look real mean and scary, lol. That’s what I saw within me, and I’m glad I did no matter what it meant, because I was able to get that anger and meanness out of my heart and put love and humility in.

Now, one year later, I haven’t wanted to kill myself since. If I think about being depressed and the voice comes in saying what a loser I am I kind of just go “oh, gosh, yeah I guess I’m a loser, what a bummer!” and then smile and move on. I suppose I realized that there really is no self to defend. Honestly, that flash of insight was so beyond words, that I can’t describe it. I just know I’m happy being small, and I don’t care. I walk with the love in my heart as my lamp. That angry man is still there, but he is so confused by my constant laughing that he doesn’t know what to do. Hahaha! Silly, angry man.

I don’t have much in terms of material wealth, and I am more dependent on others than I’ve ever been, but my heart literally overflows with the waters of love and redemption. I’ve learned to live as a child. Children before a certain age do not look to conquer everything with words of domination in their minds. Children know their own helplessness. They know their interdependence. Human children are literally some of the most helpless animals on the planet, and yet, they are its absolute greatest treasure. I choose to live as a child, a happy loser, offering only my gift of love, and I have found something called peace.

Be well my friends.