Tag: buddhism

A week ago I had a life changing experience of unity with the infinite & eternal divine, and I have been massively peaceful ever since.

A week ago I had a life changing experience of unity with the infinite & eternal divine, and I have been massively peaceful ever since. Now everything seems so small and pointless outside of love and compassion. How can I spend so much time defending this cosmic blip of a “self” called “zeronom” when it is not real? I’m so tired of the relentless battle to prove how important this unreal thing is to everyone around me. It’s utter madness upon madness. I continue to perceive the eternal field of potential (God, Dao, Brahman), and I don’t feel small at all. There is no fight. I have perceived my eternal spark, and it is the same as the ALL.

English is very dualistic, so this doesn’t make perfect grammatical sense, but because I allowed my mind to perceive the infinite, my concepts exploded, and I feel as though I just cannot crave and desire as I used to. It’s like grasping at air!

I’m not saying that I am some great being of spirituality. I’m actually saying we are all the same, shared greatness in essence. But I am having to throw out so much that doesn’t work anymore right now. I can see how my self-promotion was so domineering. How can we be honest about our weaknesses if we are unable to even own weakness in public because we must be militantly self-promoting and other-rejecting? And I know that a lot of my “spirituality” was self-serving. “Let me help you with my amazing spiritual ability!” Blah blah blah.

There are paths still available to the eternal end of self-transcendence. All paths are unique, but may more people find out how infinite and eternal they truly are. And just like that a searching and seeking for wholeness has vanished, leaving behind peace and simplicity. And part of me just wants to toss the entire part of my personality called “spirituality.” So much of this blog is now meaningless.

My separateness is now a broken water balloon, submerged in the infinite water it once tried to contain. Here is a false account of how that happened.

Some thoughts on acceptance that I’ve recently witnessed:

When someone speaks a sentence to us, such as, “the sky is blue,” we assume that our two response paths are to agree or to disagree. “No! The sky is indeed chartreuse!” OR “Yes, I agree, the sky is blue.” However, both disagreement and agreement are a form of domination and separation because they invoke the construct of “I” as in “I agree with what YOU are saying” or “I disagree with YOU.” We tend to think that agreement is a form of connection, but it is more of a treaty between parties, establishing a kind of parallel congruence of perspective. “We both separately have a similar perspective” is another way of phrasing it and better expresses the true nature of agreement.

There is always the third option, silence or receptivity. Not taking a stand either for or against what has been communicated to us is a response in itself, but the mind cannot “thing” it, so it tends to disregard it as useless and essentially avoidant of what the mind sees as its duty to respond. With receptivity, the heart invokes the infinite response: acceptance. Instead of trying to contain what the person has spoken to us, we just let what was expressed fly around, watching the words that have been spoken.

This is not a bear

But to the mind, neutrality is perceived as a kind of death because it cannot be held conceptually in the mind. It is too big for the mind, and in reality, it is infinite, beyond form. This is symbolized by the second hexagram in the Chinese Yi Jing: The Receptive, The Primordial Yin, The Great Mother. This is the obscured truth in sayings like “being reborn in the spirit” or “dying to the flesh in order to attain to eternal life.” If we can pause agreement or disagreement, the infinite is allowed to exist. When we decide to agree or disagree, we look at the metaphorical clouds in the sky and say “that cloud looks like a lion” or “that cloud looks like a bear.” A concept of a lion or bear is just an icon on your desktop; it is not the application itself. It is a crude reduction of a bear in the world to a stick figure abstraction in our heads.

This is also part of the truth of the Zen Koan: “If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him.” The Buddha nature is beyond form, beyond words; it is like a bird that has broken out of the egg (form or word) and is now free to fly around. You if you can contain a “Buddha” in your head as a concept, it is not the real Buddha, and you should throw away the concept. When it was contained within the metaphorical eggshell, it was finite.

When we break out of our finite shells, the mind goes nuts because it loses all of its power to contain and trap those bears and lions floating in the sky. But in reality, it never did trap those things. Words and forms are never static. The mind deludes itself into thinking that it can trap things in cages called words because it believes itself to be a contained thing, a separate “mind” which is predictably “better” than other minds if you ask its rank.

This is not my ego

Last night, I had a vision last night that I was in a giant pool, and then I was the water, all of the water, beyond measurement. And then I was actually with God or the Primordial Yang, the Creative. But I had to kill the idea of self. I can’t describe it in full because words are finite, and I experienced infinity. At first, I was a giant water balloon, stressed to enormous capacity. And then I was inverted, or I was unbounded. And so, from now on I want to use the word Unbound for God, because it is more appropriate.

I also had a vision of the infinite field of reality, and I saw faces on the field, and they were individuals that had submitted to the divine internal marriage between self and the divine. They merged with the field itself, not the image on top of the field. They had stopped being the human shaped cloud, and had become the infinite sky. In this way, by cracking the egg that contained them, they became beyond form. And in this way, they had attained to heaven and are now infinite and eternal. In this way, I am eternal. However, that sentence is wrong. Eternal is. I am the egg that was broken. I am the one who has gone, the tathāgata, of the Hindus and Buddhists. So, one does not attain to heaven or attain to eternal life. One unattains being bound, closed, to take flight as the Unbound and infinite.

Butterflies aren’t real

And yet, all humans are born infinite. They think themselves bound and contained, but this containment is a dictatorship of the mind and is a delusion. We are caterpillars who have forgotten their butterfly and moth nature. We are fully formed birds, who make ourselves in the shape of eggs to appease the demands of a gaslighting mind. We walk the Earth, bemoaning that we, like Pinocchio, are not real boys, when all along, we have always been fully real, merely deluded into believing ourselves as separate, compulsively trying to find others to manipulate into mirroring our delusion of separateness back to us.

May you first know of the Unbound in measure. Then may you be a fully empty vessel, a contained jar of the Unbound, which is formless and empty to the mind. And lastly, may you smash the shell of the jar in your mind, receive the Unbound as a lover, and become infinite and eternal. This is a journey like that of Frodo in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, who must return the ring of separateness to the fires of Mount Doom. The journey destroy’s his mind’s ability to maintain the delusion of separation, the trollish Gollum serving to illustrate the mind’s delusion at full force.

The mind will warn you vociferously that becoming infinite means being annihilated, but this is because the mind cannot see beyond the event horizon of the black hole of infinity. What is on the other side of the event horizon? Peace. The heart can see beyond the event horizon. May you follow it mindlessly to silence, receptivity, peace, and eternity, never to return.

Lastly, what you have just read is full of lies. The unbound is beyond verification. These words are a stick figure of truth, a crude imitation of the art of truth, purchased at the gift shop on the way out of the museum of the Unbound. May they point you toward truth as I have been so directed.

Before enlightenment, manage chronic disease and make the best of adversity. After enlightenment, manage chronic disease and make the best of adversity.

The most frightening thing I’ve had to accept in my life is that there is no liberation on Earth except liberation from death and rebirth. I thought that spirit would liberate me from the pain of my body, but that is not the way. However, the process by which we struggle can move us closer to divinity or not. God is selective and changes the path from time to time. Right now, in my view, if you want to struggle the right way, look to the Black American struggle mechanisms of the last 400 years: Spirituals, The Blues, Ecstatic Gospel music, improvisation, and protest, to name a few. From the utter darkness of being a chattel slave to then being a second-class citizen was born a new light that is now available to everyone. Add in psychedelics, and you got a good Gumbo going!

We are born into prison, and we will die in prison. Earth is a prison, the Sun is the warden. Pardons are available, but you have to go your own way. Society herds us away from the possibility of a pardon on purpose. Only those who go their own way will be rewarded. Otherwise, just get used to living in prison. And you can find ways of getting a lot of nice stuff in your cell and have the best cell in the block, but you’re still in prison. This sounds unbelievably harsh to many people, but that is only because most people have been told that they are free and have no chains. Those of us who have seen the bottom of this reality and have been beaten by metaphorical prison guards can see past the illusion.

This was Buddha’s message. Samsara is prison and Maya is the delusion that we are not in prison. Some people have such nice prison cells that they assume that this cannot be prison. They work tirelessly to arrange their prison cell to make it “nice” enough so that they forget they are in prison. Then, one day, a guard will come in and remove all of their property. Instead of realizing that they were wrong and that no one is outside of the prison in this plane of existence, they go mad trying to blame other prisoners for making life seem like a prison.

There is a famous verse from the New Testament of the Christian Bible where Jesus was asked by a wealthy man what is the best way for him to get into Heaven and escape prison. Jesus replied “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me” (Matthew 19:21). Jesus was telling him that being impoverished is a great way of seeing reality for the prison that it is. He was telling the prisoner with the nicely furnished cell to clear out his prison cell to the bare minimum. He would then be able to see the bars on the window and the light beyond the bars, which is true reality.

I understand how painful and lonely it can be to see oneself as imprisoned in a painful reality with no hope of liberation beyond death. I have strained against the bars on my prison cell window, hoping to break them to run free. I have attempted like mad to find an escape route from the prison. My life has been very harsh at times. I have a multitude of labels even one of which would be a heavy cross to bear. Living as a second class citizen and having a chronic pain condition and chronic fatigue condition requires me to struggle daily just to survive. I attempted suicide many times until I realized that I would just be back in the prison after dying a self-murderer, filled with hatred for my Earthly existence and self.

God is real, but the path is obscured and you will be taunted mercilessly for following it. This is the esoteric truth of the Passion of Christ where Jesus was made to carry the heavy cross while others jeered at him, whipped him, and deprived him of any semblance of comfort. The cross represents the intersection of the spirit (the vertical line) with the limitations of material reality (the horizontal line). Pursuing God requires us to fully accept that life is a prison, but in the example of Christ, we can see how others will fight like mad to shut up those who dare to say that their nicely appointed prison cell is meaningless. Jesus was saying that their fancy cell was like a bow wrapped around a piece of shit. And they were not amused to say the least. But those with the barest of prison cells followed him. They did not have the delusion of those “on the top” in this reality.

Nearly five years ago, I was given a pardon, but I didn’t realize what it was until now. I still sought escape even though I was not suicidal anymore. The notion that one can be fully healed on Earth if we just get our prison cell nice enough is a really common delusion. There is an irreducible amount of pain and suffering that we must bear on this planet. However, we can accept that pain and not let it drive us mad. We can see the prison cell bars as not really threatening at all. We can see that through acceptance of the dark aspects of life, they lose their fangs and cease being horrifying. I have internalized this acceptance slowly over the last five years, but our society makes it difficult to have this level of acceptance because most people are obsessed with the delusion that they can escape the cross of harsh reality on Earth.

I still find it hard to accept that I am fully saved from death because I still have to endure such suffering, but I don’t know what human life is not mired in suffering. Yes, I can walk the line and do my best to attenuate my pain through self-discipline and acting on wisdom and not fear. But I will continue to be tested, strained, and challenged until I die, and this is fine. I have gained wisdom and peace in place of fear and madness. Today, I am sitting in bed, my nerves firing what feels like electric shocks throughout my body. The title of this article is a reference to a Zen aphorism that says “Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.” We might achieve total enlightenment, but our body, like a cow that we must care for, requires maintenance and care, and this will persist until we die. So today, I’m caring for my body, in prison, enduring the literal pain of this existence. But I bow to that pain as a teacher and guide. And I chop wood and carry water just like any other day.

David said in Psalm 23: “though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me.” He did not say that he will be free of evil. He said that he will not fear any evil that he encounters. We all live in the valley. We can climb a mountain or build a tower to the heavens, but we are still in the valley. I know why I suffer. I suffer so that I grow into oneness with the divine. I have remembered my divine origin through the process of enduring suffering. The ancient Greek philosopher Plato asserted in his philosophy of anamnesis that true knowledge is gained by remembering our divine origin. I have remembered it. I wished with gigantic fervor to return to it. But I was denied. I internalized this rejection as a judgment on my character.

We are all prisoners, and yet, in being imprisoned, we have the ability to bring the light of the divine to a dark world. In this way, we are also born as unlit candles, may you find your fire, so that you may see, and others around you may see as well. The more people who have burning wicks, the more pleasant this prison life will be.

God is trans and other revelations

My current revelation from the divine is that God is now trans in the Aquarian Age. Transgender, transhuman, and transforming. Uranus was castrated by Saturn, and now he’s back and that’s why queer and trans rights are exploding. I believe that 9 years ago I saw God on DXM, and I realized that transitioning would honor him or her and would be accepted by him or her.

Also Zeus/Jupiter is queer now. No more Jesus, it’s time for GayZeus! The way I can explain this is by astrological ages and other esoteric concepts, but also, I talk to them in mystical dialogue on the regular. And I see Jupiter slap my trans ass and be his queer ass self all the time because he is my personal deity. I just KNOW it’s true, but I understand the subjectivity of that evidence.

The basic, underpinning theory behind this is that God changes focus every 2,000 years or so. From Moses (~2000BCE) to Jesus/Buddha (400BCE to year zero) we were in the a Age of Aries and God was warlike and external. From Jesus to now we’ve been in the Age of Pisces, and God has been compassionate and loving. Now we are entering the Age of Aquarius and God is revolutionary, transformative, individualistic, and progressive.

Honestly this makes more sense to me than trying to do the mental gymnastics of saying that God will smite your enemies and that he also loves everyone. God has to be updated through revelations by prophets occasionally. And right now there is a new God in town, and it’s throwing society into chaos. And by God, I mean the average unconscious self of every person because God only exists inside of people.

I know this is unpopular, but it’s my truth. And really, Christianity SCREAMS Pisces mythology with the martyrdom, fish symbol, compassion, and use of wine. Moses was also very Aries. He was the action hero of prophets, going to war with the Pharaoh and leading his people on a dangerous journey. And lastly, the twentieth century saw the invention of air travel, space travel, and the internet which are massively Aquarian.

But I know astrology is an easy target for the skeptics, so I don’t know how many people I’ll convince of this. But still, God is trans! ☺️

Breaking up with fear

“If you can empty your mind of all thoughts
your heart will embrace the tranquility of peace.”

Laozi

If you understand the limits of your mind, you will be free. Your mind is devious and always trying to prove how great it is, but knowledge from the mind has deep limitations. Laozi understood that all judgments are just paired opposites describing one whole monism. When you say that this post is boring, you only know that it is boring in relation to something in your head that is exciting. The mind is forever hobbled by binary thinking, and the sooner you realize that your mind is just a blowhard troll that won’t leave you alone, the sooner you can stop listening to it. And when you stop listening to it (by meditating for example), it will slowly start to leave you alone. We let our minds torment us because we take its missives so seriously.

Make no mistake, I understand that the mind is powerful, but it is limited by its nature. The heart, however, is unlimited. What is the heart? I don’t really know, but I know that in my chest, there burns a fire that I call God or Goddess or Elohim. There are a lot of things about my internal self that I can’t put into words, but that’s just a limitation of language and therefore the mind. Just because I can’t communicate something doesn’t make it unreal.

One of the most repeated lines in the Judeo-Christian Bible is to have no fear and yet fear is ubiquitous in modern society. We understand intuitively that fear is dangerous and yet we remain chained to it because we believe that fear is necessary. But can we act in our self-interest without fear? The mind and fear are conjoined twins that will never be separated. We must put value on the heart and body and move it away from the mind if we want to have peace.

Put your mind in its place. Stop listening to its directives. You will be fine. Don’t just trust me on this, try it for yourself. Sit down and do nothing. At first, your mind will throw everything its got at you to get you to do something. But if you just sit and do nothing, it will slowly give up. This will take time. It will not happen overnight. Ultimately, to defeat fear, we must have perseverance. This is a journey that will last a lifetime. But you might have peace where terror once dwelled.

I was highly doubtful of this kind of thinking years ago, but divorcing my self from the directives of my mind helped me to break up from fear. I’m not perfect, but I’m a lot less anxious than I used to be, and that is some damn good medicine.

How can we give advice in a world of confusion? How can we guide others when we respect the limits of our own knowing?

I’ve learned that ignoring people who annoy me is far superior to publicly chastising them. But, this is not always an easy thing to do…I feel as though that paternalistic, soapbox mentality is very American. “Let me tell you how everyone is doing it wrong!” I do my best to spend my time finding positive and constructive solutions to problems instead of engaging in tabloid/reality TV-style drama mining to get likes online. Don’t get me wrong, I used to do that aplenty, but I found that it came from an inner sense of insecurity and fear.
Honestly, I don’t really believe in saving the world anymore. I think that if you act out of what you see as virtuous on the microcosm level, the macrocosm/society level situation will manifest as an emergent property/system. I’ve probably read the Tao Te Ching too much, but I don’t have much faith in top-down, contrived systems that are more focused on achieving ends than finding good means of being.
Working with the void has been helpful. Seeing how there is intelligence in letting go and acting in a receptive manner has enlightened me with darkness. Life seems to be a concert between me, a person on an inner-tube, arms flailing, and the river in which I move. There is no either/or when it comes to concepts of control or power. When two people dance, who is in control? Obviously, they both are. So I try not to obsess about “am I in control?!” I know I am and I am not. Language is inherently reductionistic and binary, and so there are limits to describing true reality with a tool that is probably better designed to questions of “where is the food?” and “where is the bathroom?”
The more that I’ve looked for deep meaning in life and tried to capture it like a firefly in a jar the less I’ve been successful. I want to be someone that gives people tools for transcending the mundane aspects of reality, but I also know the limits of prescriptions and commandments. I can see the irony in me saying that I can’t figure out how to tell others how to improve their lives while writing a blog post obliquely focused on a similar intent. I get it. But I don’t get it.|
Do you?

Rambling stream of consciousness thoughts on life Entry 1

Most people don’t understand why they’re stressed out. This thing called the 9-5 work week is eating at them and they don’t know why. Like a good fish we’ve each gone along with the school as it has moved in its increasingly strange undulations; the dance called cultural progress moves on. But we have radically altered so many of our personal environments that we don’t really know what we are anymore. Your life would be completely alien to someone born just two hundred years ago. It’s not a matter of “where are the aliens?” We are the aliens. We are achieving liftoff and distancing ourselves from our life mates here on planet Earth.
What does that mean? I don’t know, but it’s true. We are getting so remarkably good at automating our mundane tasks that our brains don’t know what to do with the free time. So we are creating conflict around us to try and keep the inner wheels spinning. But what is the purpose of all of this? What is the meaning behind this big abstract thing called culture and history and language. I’ve found amazing things in silence that cannot be communicated because they operate on the level of the heart. When I first started to really get that there were things and values that were hidden away from words, I was troubled. I thought that these things must be spoken about! But of course I missed the point then. Silence is lovely, especially when it’s internal silence. And words are gaudy neon signs on top of the true existential majesty of reality.
My personal meaning for life is to grow as much as I can spiritually, and that requires me to feed all of the other things that support that pursuit. I have to watch my health and try and stay moderate. My being is an ever changing and evolving jalopy that requires I be both a mechanic and friend to myself. I have learned to manage my vices so that they don’t drive me over the edge. I’m happy that I’m getting old. It’s like I’m getting the keys to a new luxury automobile. I learned what doesn’t work for me, and that’s invaluable.
I know I can be meandering and all faddish and all over the place. It’s my own personal style I suppose. I’ve found ways of understanding it through astrology and religion, but it’s just me. And I’m pretty happy with this jalopy of a person called that is doing its best to survive.
I’m most happy that I have learned that life is about having a good time. I’ve had some “Grade A” psychedelic/psychotic/paranormal/perplexing experiences which defy language or that I don’t have words to express. I’ve been able to discern a little bit out of the torrent of strange, and I have my personal philosophy and mythology.
I think one of the most important things I ever learned was nothing. Nothing is amazing! Sometimes I just go duhh… and that’s the best place to be. I used to think that I had to be thinking all the time in order to be a “valuable member of society.” But I like being a zero. If only for a while. Compulsive thought is my cross to bear in this existence. I’m learning to let it go and just be zero.

Live according to your true will and the universe will raise mountains beneath you

Nothing reduces to single factors like so many want life to. The mind is a wheel of mutually arising possibilities. Yeah that might be more complicated, but what’s more complicated is trying to live according to a fairy tale notion of simplicity that is obsessed with singular root causes. This applies to people and personalities too. Some people are drivers, some people are riders, some people are sages, some people are artists. Very few are all of these things. Everyone will be all things at some point thousands of lives from now, but right now it’s best to find your individual purpose and true will and accept your limitations instead of lusting after the lie that “Everyone should do these 8 things!!” Modern materialistic science wants to reduce everyone to fundamental and universal factors, but then we just end up with a lowest common denominator society.

The Technology Revolution is Changing the Cultural World. Can We Adapt and Meet the Challenge?

I have a theory that there is a basic demographic upheaval going on inside the dominant narrative in Western culture. For centuries, the power structures like the church leaders and politicians have successfully been able to exclude certain members of the populace because they were easy to control. These members include the disabled, LGBT, POC, “mentally ill,” and other easily controlled minority groups. They were controllable because of their difficult circumstances in life and because of aggressive ideological hegemony.

And yet, the communications and technology revolution that started in the 1960’s conjunct the invention of the electronic transistor led to a proliferation of communication amplification devices. These devices like telephones, radios, cell phones, and computers enabled the average person to have a greater amplitude to their voice, ie. they were louder.

What this did was dissolve the borders of communication that existed prior to the advent of this revolution. Within a single generation, the demographic makeup changed in a statistically significant and demonstrable way leading to social upheaval. In reality, those who had been pushed to the edge of the social communications spectrum gained the unique ability to voice their opinions on the level of the traditional majority groups.

This did lead to large-scale democratization of culture at large, but disturbances like this have had radical consequences for the median state of the social entity. Without those voices of dissent, the majority group that was homogeneously white, straight, and Christian (on average) has not had to field questions that might challenge the dominant narrative. They probably have become weak and poorly skilled at defending their position, as it was not really a needed skill for so long.

However, we exist at a great axis point in civilization, as our standards of living have vaulted quickly into uncharted realms of comfort and convenience. There have been sages who have predicted that this as some great “Aquarian Age,” but you needn’t be a believer in a metaphysical shift to understand that our lives are radically different than our forebears.

Because, as the previously disenfranchised gain prominence and power because of the electrification and amplification of their collective signals, you will probably see increased tension and friction within society. There will be waves, back and forth, within the social system as the collective equilibrates to a new stasis.

I think that at this point, all the average person can do is continue on forward with his or her positions. These forces of radical change are far greater than most if not all of the small pieces within the large, institutional changes. We are forging a new post-structural path. We are loosing ourselves from the once steel bonds to basic needs like food and water. Now freer and not determined by the lower-level desires of security, we must create a new Earth of will-power and play. But this will be treacherous.

We are taking flight. We are moving skyward and jumping to new orbits of possibility. But our tail is snapping back into us. We must consider the whole of humanity outside of our present definition. The past is rapidly snapping into the present to fire us into the future. Can we hold our wits together so that we might sail into the sky as a people?

We shall see.

We are one life, nobody knows what’s going on, and that’s why it’s so exciting

Life is elementally exciting. It has always been. One of the oldest tricks in the book is to try and convince your neighbor that you’ve seen something before or that life has been tamed, but it always surprises. The thing that makes life interesting is that life is self-destructive. We’re eating each other and being eaten in a giant destructive orgy of immeasurable combination and emasculation. We’re in the soup. The soup is us. And it’s getting soupier. We are all one life. You were never really born. You were a sperm that got whittled off of your antecedent being that was whittled off of its antecedent being going back billions of years. No one alive has ever died. We are one giant, non-local, spongiform blob of DNA, plasma, bone, and intention that is undulating on a rock in space and getting a tan. We’re here, we’re sphere, and who the fuck knows what is going to happen next.

Oh, well, there’s some ambulatory speck of us over there that says that they have it all figured out. You should probably trust that speck.

Recovery and Rebirth in Interesting Times

America makes you crazy, so you gotta give yourself a break. I’m trying to work on getting over a lot of my instilled fear of groups and friends. I spent so long being incognito, desperately trying to be this “perfect male” so that people wouldn’t know who I really was. It takes a lot of deprogramming to undo that kind of thing, and you have to be careful about it and not just go at your history with a flamethrower. Truly remaking yourself, healing your mental health, is the subtle and daring work of a shaman or artist more than a “good patient” or whatever the authorities advocate to heal. I think that mostly I need to have an unerring devotion to the notion that I am fallible and be ready to cut those wrong assumptions about myself at the root when I find them. I rather enjoy being humble and accepting my own flaws. But it takes a lot of work, and I have to be able to accept when someone else says something true about me that I don’t want to hear. It takes practice, and each time gets easier.

I have a lot of anxiety. It comes and goes, but it has been my most loyal companion of my 37 trips around the sun. The anxiety is rooted in fear, a fear of rejection and loss of security. I’ve had people I thought cared about me suddenly turn and shun me so many times in my life that I’ve developed a serious inferiority and instability complex. Having my kids taken away was the nuclear bomb that severed me from my history. I was so broken that I was forced to start over and try anything to not want to kill myself on the daily. But I haven’t been like that for almost 2 years now because I learned to laugh at the total insanity of my situation and my behaviors. A good laugh can cure just about anything. I have my secret and unorthodox means for arriving at these salvations, and I wish I could be more open, but we live in paranoid times, so the prudential people must follow the ancient Chinese proverb in “hiding their light and biding their time.”

Life is still just as much of a challenge as when I was at my lowest. It might be even harder because I was ignoring so many things back then that I have to address now, but I just have a different perspective. I think something Buddhist or Christian or whatever stuck down in my heart, and I internalized the truth that pain is a constant in life, and yet in spite of pain, we can still have joy. It’s easy to pigeon-hole folks like myself as overly emotional social justice warrior millennial whiners, but I just have to say that some of us have a lot of shit to dig out of. Growing up trans or queer or radically in the minority is heavy, heavy stuff. There are some people who are just addicted to the victim attention for sure, but most of us misfits are just trying to get better, do better, be better, etc.

I do have great news to share though! My cat of 12 years, Snow, is recovering incredibly well from Hepatic Lipidosis which is a fairly common liver disease for house cats. I’ve had to feed her through a tube twice a day for over two weeks now, and it’s been a challenge, but my little Snowbie is doing great and returning to her cranky and loving self. Our vet is also using traditional Chinese herbal medicine to assist in her recovery, and she looks better than she’s been in a long time. My heart is so joyful over it. I am so completely blessed that my partner was able to pay for the expensive surgery too.

It’s such a strange time for America and for transgender people and everybody. There is a funny Chinese aphorism that one tells to someone they don’t particularly like: “may you be born in interesting times.” Well these sure are some interesting times. My life has been nothing if not interesting. I’m not sure exactly what I’m supposed to figure out with this Sisyphean exercise, but I’m gonna figure out whatever I can. I’m gonna play this video game until I see the final credits!