Tag: China

Thoughts on society inspired by the COVID19 lockdown

I’ve been thinking and cogitating all day and making enemies while so doing, and I would like to have some fruit from that tree of discord, but I don’t know. I don’t know if I can even think rationally in this situation. I try and use my normal methods of understanding the world, and right now they just result in collapsed rage and explosive paranoia, speaking poetically.

I don’t like handing over my civil rights to our glorious leaders, and I also don’t like being slandered as a Trumper and enemy of the people. However, I am just asking questions, possibly dangerous ones I must cede. But what is a dangerous question? Do people end up in fascist Candyland because of dangerous questions?

I choose not to endorse a tribe in the dualistic split in the modern American states. But I do endorse proven science. However, the science on COVID-19 is still experimental. It has only been around for 5 months or so, and we don’t really understand the virus epidemiologically outside of the facts that it kills a lot of old people and some healthy people. It’s not the flu in that the flu usually is just an opportunistic organism, i.e. it usually kills people whose immune systems are close to failing already.

We don’t know how COVID-19 is spread outside of that it is communicable by close contact. We have not proven it spreads on surfaces. We have proven it spreads sexually. We know it spreads through aerosols, water/particulate matter that floats in the air. We know that lots of exhalations like those involved in dramatic sporting event cheers can exponentially increase the spread of the virus.

I’m not trying to say that “oh it was created in a lab by China and we should just open up and fuck the libs and their faggot masks!” I think that social protection to slow the spread of this virus is a reasonable social sacrifice. However, we have to be very aware during these times and watch for bad actors trying to institute new restrictions upon an already restricted people.
We should demand good science from our local and state governments. But we should also hold our Bill of Rights against our chest as we do it. It is our most sacred American document. Jefferson was our flawed Moses in this respect. He never freed his slaves like most of his fellow American revolutionary leaders, but he wrote some of the most freeing words in the English language. He should be judged and also praised.

I grew up in South Carolina and Bakersfield, California which are basically the same place, politically. I learned that conservative people are people. Yes, the Trump years have solidified that conservative zeal into a shield, repelling all queries from “outsiders,” and yet, the liberal flank has played into that defensive paranoia by labeling them as irreconcilable subhumans. And yes, they tend to be unaware of political correctness.

So I want a reasonable, class-conscious, idealistic approach to this pandemic. Right now we have a very postmodern President in our glorious leader, ‘man who wears a combover too long and can’t tan like his cool friends so resorts to foundation.’ Our postmodern, post-ideological president is like a white person trying to play jazz but has no feel, no soul. It is pure depravity and boredom. We know he sucks at jazz, and we have to finish the recital as the other players in the quintet attempt to cover for him.

We need a radical, gnostic re-envisioning of reality. We need to ask basic questions like: What is the purpose of reality? Is the purpose of reality just hedonism? Is it self-abnegation and asceticism? Is it getting along with our neighbors? Is it a balance of multiple values?

The true question I had to ask myself was what is my individual chief value? I found that the only way to save the world is to save your own world. And your world might be a towering inferno of destruction. Discovering your “true will,” as some people have asserted it, does not guarantee happiness. You might be happier overall, but you can go through periods of deep woe and confusion. People selling self-help are usually just drug dealers, and here I am writing a blog…

The challenge of postmodernity is not to lose all sense of value. The challenge is to buy into your own individual adventure, acknowledging its loose effect on the “objective” world. We all have a subjective ride of internal emotion and internal narrative. We also have a ride on the objective train called society and cultural norms. As Timothy Leary noted we seem to be each in our own reality tunnels, and our tunnels often collide, creating society.

This lockdown is tough. I am adhering to the basics of coronavirus prevention. I work from home. I wear a mask at the store. I disinfect my deliveries. But the strain on my mental health has been tremendous. I have to force myself to exercise and stick to healthy routines. These are my thoughts.

A Few Words

God gave you a left hand and a right hand. On one side there are things that happen to you and you’re the victim or receptive or yin. On the other side, you are the actor, the thinker, the yang. You can’t reduce it to one. It’s both, well at least both. I’m not that smart enough to know how many hands reality has. But you can’t say that you’re a total victim, and you can’t say that you’re a total egotistical controller. We’re all both in varying degrees. So can we please meet in the center? Can we have a mosh pit of love and understanding. I know that some people are “unrelatable” but people change. I used to be a frothing right winger. I grew up. Let’s all stop being total know-it-alls that are completely convinced that the other side is wrong. Certainty is poison. There is no certainty in a complicated system of oppositional actors. Humility, Please?!
By the way, WTF is wrong with you Donald Trump. I’m talking to you as one of those horrible trannies that you want to cleanse out of the military. (BTW, only we can say tranny. Don’t fucking say it if you’re not a tranny.) Grow the fuck up motherfucker! Simmer down my brother. You’re not fucking Christ. Lord. The amount of intellectual certainty in this budding Aquarian Age is just too much. Yeah, we kind of know things because of science, but science is wrong every day.
OK I feel better. It’s such a fucking disaster. Center. Breath. Ground. Know that you’re a dumb ass ape. Life is work.
I’m drunk, but hey, I can write a few words.

Recovery and Rebirth in Interesting Times

America makes you crazy, so you gotta give yourself a break. I’m trying to work on getting over a lot of my instilled fear of groups and friends. I spent so long being incognito, desperately trying to be this “perfect male” so that people wouldn’t know who I really was. It takes a lot of deprogramming to undo that kind of thing, and you have to be careful about it and not just go at your history with a flamethrower. Truly remaking yourself, healing your mental health, is the subtle and daring work of a shaman or artist more than a “good patient” or whatever the authorities advocate to heal. I think that mostly I need to have an unerring devotion to the notion that I am fallible and be ready to cut those wrong assumptions about myself at the root when I find them. I rather enjoy being humble and accepting my own flaws. But it takes a lot of work, and I have to be able to accept when someone else says something true about me that I don’t want to hear. It takes practice, and each time gets easier.

I have a lot of anxiety. It comes and goes, but it has been my most loyal companion of my 37 trips around the sun. The anxiety is rooted in fear, a fear of rejection and loss of security. I’ve had people I thought cared about me suddenly turn and shun me so many times in my life that I’ve developed a serious inferiority and instability complex. Having my kids taken away was the nuclear bomb that severed me from my history. I was so broken that I was forced to start over and try anything to not want to kill myself on the daily. But I haven’t been like that for almost 2 years now because I learned to laugh at the total insanity of my situation and my behaviors. A good laugh can cure just about anything. I have my secret and unorthodox means for arriving at these salvations, and I wish I could be more open, but we live in paranoid times, so the prudential people must follow the ancient Chinese proverb in “hiding their light and biding their time.”

Life is still just as much of a challenge as when I was at my lowest. It might be even harder because I was ignoring so many things back then that I have to address now, but I just have a different perspective. I think something Buddhist or Christian or whatever stuck down in my heart, and I internalized the truth that pain is a constant in life, and yet in spite of pain, we can still have joy. It’s easy to pigeon-hole folks like myself as overly emotional social justice warrior millennial whiners, but I just have to say that some of us have a lot of shit to dig out of. Growing up trans or queer or radically in the minority is heavy, heavy stuff. There are some people who are just addicted to the victim attention for sure, but most of us misfits are just trying to get better, do better, be better, etc.

I do have great news to share though! My cat of 12 years, Snow, is recovering incredibly well from Hepatic Lipidosis which is a fairly common liver disease for house cats. I’ve had to feed her through a tube twice a day for over two weeks now, and it’s been a challenge, but my little Snowbie is doing great and returning to her cranky and loving self. Our vet is also using traditional Chinese herbal medicine to assist in her recovery, and she looks better than she’s been in a long time. My heart is so joyful over it. I am so completely blessed that my partner was able to pay for the expensive surgery too.

It’s such a strange time for America and for transgender people and everybody. There is a funny Chinese aphorism that one tells to someone they don’t particularly like: “may you be born in interesting times.” Well these sure are some interesting times. My life has been nothing if not interesting. I’m not sure exactly what I’m supposed to figure out with this Sisyphean exercise, but I’m gonna figure out whatever I can. I’m gonna play this video game until I see the final credits!