Tag: death

Here’s to the deadening of the soul [FaMo Blues]

my voices tell me I should quit
quit what?
it doesn’t matter
my cat looks at me like I’m dying
and she’s 16 so she should know
we look at each other like invalids
I am trans and have fibromyalgia and autism
so I’m the great experiment
there are so many billionaires trying to give me drugs!
And have they!
the voices say what I’m doing isn’t working
but I’m so trapped
My children. Oh my children.
Yes, I’m a disenfranchised transgender FaMo.
The courts have ruled me unworthy of the experience.
But lest I sit inside a Portland tent
I have to kiss the master’s feet.
Oh lords and ladies of the land
sweet owners of stock options and
all yachts and all good graces too
do you?
think that a small and suffering lot
could use a few more trickles yet?
Oh no?

Then we might have to share
your military secrets and
make movies to your sweet demise
the land of former masters
burned

A Few Words

God gave you a left hand and a right hand. On one side there are things that happen to you and you’re the victim or receptive or yin. On the other side, you are the actor, the thinker, the yang. You can’t reduce it to one. It’s both, well at least both. I’m not that smart enough to know how many hands reality has. But you can’t say that you’re a total victim, and you can’t say that you’re a total egotistical controller. We’re all both in varying degrees. So can we please meet in the center? Can we have a mosh pit of love and understanding. I know that some people are “unrelatable” but people change. I used to be a frothing right winger. I grew up. Let’s all stop being total know-it-alls that are completely convinced that the other side is wrong. Certainty is poison. There is no certainty in a complicated system of oppositional actors. Humility, Please?!
By the way, WTF is wrong with you Donald Trump. I’m talking to you as one of those horrible trannies that you want to cleanse out of the military. (BTW, only we can say tranny. Don’t fucking say it if you’re not a tranny.) Grow the fuck up motherfucker! Simmer down my brother. You’re not fucking Christ. Lord. The amount of intellectual certainty in this budding Aquarian Age is just too much. Yeah, we kind of know things because of science, but science is wrong every day.
OK I feel better. It’s such a fucking disaster. Center. Breath. Ground. Know that you’re a dumb ass ape. Life is work.
I’m drunk, but hey, I can write a few words.

Psychology, a poem

 

The nature of the world
the way it wanders
vexed in sin
is like a serpent
in its den

The cold and injured people
with their fantasies of power
strike back reacting
to every slight
a hundred thousand year war
of toppling dominos
called psychology

There is some myth that in ancient Atlantis
everything was in balance
but one man threw a stone of anger
into the pool of social grace
sending spiteful ripples upon ripples
and all of our world of war
is merely the echo of that attack

How can we rise above?
I suppose someone has to risk death
to reach out and sacrifice
a suicidal crucifixion of the heart
and all its pain
we spread our arms
expecting rain

the only true peace is immaterial
meaning that to have it
you have to let the matter go
Nirvana, the Hindu heavenly state
when translated into English
means “blowing out”
and like the solace of a sigh
when we drop our weapons
we find the highest high

Jesus was a Psychonaut and So Are You! But don’t worry so much about it…

Life is just too amazing for words. I just bask in the glow of the light of love from above and below and all around. I’ve had a tough life, but I feel blessed with my struggle. It has been the tiny irritant that produced the marvelous pearl within my oyster of a life. Shucks, I am all open up and shining to the world. My pearl on display. What I thought was a disaster is now my highest grade.

I think Jesus was just a turned on hippie wandering through the Levantine desert looking for a little bit of resurrection. It doesn’t even matter if he existed, but he, or they or we exist. Jesus is the idea that we can become something beautiful in the midst of disaster. It’s possible old Ishoa (that’s how his name would have been pronounced in Aramaic, found some funky toadstools or some Acacia brew that had some of the magic messengers in them. Humans are quite intelligent beings, and we’ve been finding ways to get high for as long as, well, forever. Somebody got turned on, and they wrote a story. The word Gospel is derived from the roots of “good” and “spell” which means that it was a good story. It’s the story that matters. But stories like myths are vehicles for getting us to understand ourselves better.

When you have a shamanic journey or Joseph Campbellian Hero’s Quest kind of experience, you are usually lacking for words to explain what happened. You know that there was a big ass change, but you don’t really know how to communicate it to other sentient beings that you are bumping into on this rock. So you start to use metaphors. “Dude, my consciousness was totally liquidated with love and connection to other beings, and the visuals I got were that I was inside of a whale!! It was awesome!” “OK Jonah, we get it, you’re a psychonaut, now are you going to finish that hummus or what?!” [A stoned guy in the back of the room scribbles down a drawing of Jonah inside of a Whale after he puts down his cannabis pipe].

We’re all desperately trying to figure out how to use our own machinery. Well some of us  are decidedly not trying, but most people are trying to figure out a better way. It’s all just configurations, and the switches must be thrown from the inside. You can’t just sit down next to a Buddha statue and think that the statue is going to flip the switch for you. That is what’s called Spiritual Materialism. Ultimately, you don’t need any of those Buddha statues or cool stories about whales or a guy walking on water. You need to develop the muscle within so that you can flip those switches yourself. It is a workout. You have to get in spiritual shape. Everyone has a level of spiritual fitness that is objective although we cannot measure it with scientific equipment at present. That might happen in the future when the Midichlorian Detector 5000 Galaxy Urge Level Nexus  comes out (did it come out yet?), but until then we have to go on our internal sensors. There is something there. I know it. It is real.

Find your peace. Once you build up that spiritual muscle, you can tell a mountain to move, and it will kindly get out of the way. I use a system of BLACK MAGICK. (Buddha, Laozi, Abraham, Christ, Krishna, Meditation, Alchemy, Gratitude, Intuition, Compassion, Karma). But we all have our own systems. Get to know yourself, and above all believe in the unbelievable. You need to be able to radically re-envision your life. Throw off the shackles of “crazy” and “strange.” You have to go crazy to get sane in the modern world. This is not to say that there is no right or wrong or whatever, but you have to understand that you can put down the rules for a while and then maybe pick them back up. Unfortunately life is much messier than the blurbs in the social studies textbook you lugged around in the 7th grade made it out to be. But you have a magical computer inside yourself! Learn to use this magical device, and you will survive! Because you are a human, which is a magical being of limitless possibility.

Happy questing my fellow adventurers. I’ll meet you at Inner Space Camp.

A year ago I almost died, then grace came through, and now I’m free. This is the story of my moment of awakening.

A year ago on January 20th, 2016, I was in the hospital for suicidal ideation. I had just gotten a DUI 4 days earlier. The hospital sent me home because they didn’t know what to do with me, and they told me I would not get a bed in a psych facility. I told them that I would probably kill myself if they let me go, and they let me go anyways. So, I decided to try and kill myself.

I went home to where I was living at the time, with my then girlfriend. I knew that I had a trove of toxic medication, about 250 pills of various chemicals, and I had researched and figured this would do the trick. I set about measuring them all out. It nauseated me thinking about taking them all, but I just went about taking them all. It took me about an hour to get them all down. I was deadly serious, and I sat back to write my suicide note.

I felt the darkness creeping over me. At the time, I really thought that killing myself was the right thing to do. I had a committed feeling that I was doing a righteous act. I thought that I would go to God, because I thought that I was some form of enlightened at the time. I could feel the darkness of death starting to take me. This feeling will stay with me for the rest of my life.

I still have the note that I scribbled onto a paper plate. It said “Goodbye. It’s been fun. The depression is just too much. It’s unending suffering. I don’t like America. It feels like a prison. Whatever. I’m sorry for the pain this might cause. Sorry if I sound like I don’t care. Just tired. Abbey.”

I thought about what would happen next, and for a second there was doubt. I didn’t feel liberated. I still felt depressed. And I was scared. I thought that maybe killing myself would make things worse. I thought about hell. I thought about God. I thought about going to somewhere even worse than where I was. I reread the note that I had written. Then something clicked. I still don’t really know what happened, but this was my awakening. My life changed in that instant. I noticed that the note was whiny. I noticed that I was angry. I noticed that I sounded childish. And then I saw my ego. It was this angry, demonic looking thing inside of me. I saw it. And it was so pathetic. I felt foolish. I felt stupid next to death and God. All of the excuses about why I should kill myself seemed so ludicrous.

And I looked at that ego inside my gut (that’s where I saw it), and I just said “this is so fucking stupid,” and I laughed at myself. The pills were really starting to take effect, and I was getting diarrhea. I couldn’t even kill myself properly. My body was desperately trying to get rid of the poison. I thought that I would have passed out by this time, but I was still very much conscious.

In that instant I realized that the anger of my ego was insatiable. That thing was so committed to its insanity that it was willing to kill its host. That was where I realized that I had to stop listening to my ego, and I just thought “I’m failing at everything. I have to give up. I have to listen to someone besides my ego.” And I just surrendered. I gave up.

I walked out of the room I was in. My girlfriend was sitting on the couch. She was kicking me out because she couldn’t help me, and she couldn’t handle all of the suicide attempts. I sat next to her and asked “do you think all of these suicide attempts are stupid?” Of course she agreed, but she was distant. She was exhausted by me. I felt strangely liberated at this point. I had fired my ego. I felt free. I told her that I was calling 911 because I was trying to kill myself. The paramedic and cops showed up soon after, and the hospital was able to clean out my digestive tract with the most amount of laxatives I have ever taken and hope to ever take again, lol.

That day I gave up. I consciously switched my inner compass away from my ego, which was totally insane, and towards God. You can call it whatever you want, but I was saved that day. Christ or something came into my heart, and to this day, I can feel a basic goodness in my heart. There is something in there that was not there before that day. I had done a lot of spiritual work before that day; I had built a candle in my heart, but until I was willing to surrender, it was an unlit candle. Making that decision to say “ok God, I’m clueless on my own, you’re in charge” lit that candle, and it is still lit.

Over the last year my life has improved SO much. And I’ve really had to do about everything that my ego would say NOT to do. I’ve had to get jobs that were not very exciting. I’ve lived with roommates in sober living that have definitely not been that great of people. I’ve had to drag myself to spiritual fellowship when my ego would definitely rather not do that. I’ve had to quit drinking. I’ve changed my diet and lost 65 pounds. I’ve meditated with a passion. I’ve reached out for advice instead of thinking I know everything. I’ve bowed down to the world instead of wanting the world to bow down to me.

I’m so happy I fired my ego. It’s still there with its frown and judgment thinking it knows everything. But I just laugh. I really don’t know how I did all of the amazing things that I did over the last year. That’s fine. I gave the reins to my higher self or God or whatever. Sometimes I think it’s alien intelligence. I have zero clue what it is, but it’s there. And I listen. I open my heart, and I listen to what the world has to say.

I don’t want to kill myself. I’ve had almost no suicidal thoughts in the last year. I got off my medications for depression. I’ve recovered. I’m still cleaning up a lot of the messes that my ego got me into, but I’m so much better. Life is grand. Life is amazing. Life is peace. I don’t have the fear anymore because I fired my ego. I have a basic trust that I will be ok.

In my mind I just bow down the God and give thanks. I recognize that my ego was just delusion. It was insanity. Everyone struggles in life. I wasn’t special. We all have shit to shovel in this world. Big deal! That suicide note was just silly, so I keep it as a reminder.

My heart is love. I call it Christ to Christians, because that’s their language, and that’s what it is. But it’s also Buddha nature or Krishna consciousness or whatever. It’s redemption. It’s grace. It’s love. It’s wholeness. It’s awakening.

I have the dopiest smile on my face right now. I’m not going anywhere. Life is too much fun! Be well my friends.

Can I hear the revolution? shun shun shun

Can I hear the revolution? shun shun shun

Life is good,
it’s all that ya heard
from the minute I got up to the moment I go down
it’s the same sound
the holy ghost’s Twitter Post was the message in my vessel saying
love all the folks that you come round.
Cause we don’t need fear in the new town
It’s the right sound
Let the fire in your eyes expire the sighs of the downtrodden, pushed around, all over cries
we need a revolution
start it with evolution
say to your friend or to your foe it’s OK, let’s go
we’re walking in a winter wonder
what the fuck is going on?
but it’s the same repeating song
It’s the oldest in the book
and the latest refrain
It’s the EL OH VEE EE party patrol
it’s the heart that won’t stop heating your soul
it’s the fire from the higher kept wisdom and gold
that love that God dropped off in your heart
call it what you want, it don’t matter the word
it’s the radiation
from contemplation
sit meditating
with a smile to fuel the new Earth’s creation
so let’s sing

Life is good so let’s make some new
Life is good so let’s make some new
Life is good so let’s make some new

the end

They say this is the end. Who they is nobody knows, but everybody knows they say this is the end. So I’m on a bus going south from Portland to Eugene in Oregon, the strange lady of states where Don’t tread on me rifles neighbor up to eco anarchist blues. This is the end. It’s chaos. It’s over. The dream is dead.

I know something about death. A year ago I was very carefully trying to dance old lady death into my veins by way of a purposeful overdose. I had it all figured out. I was going to take 250 pills. They were very toxic. This would do it. This would be my end. 

Now here I am, riding the bus south through Oregon with endless skies heralding my flight. 

People don’t understand death. Death doesn’t want you. Death is just a cabbie looking to uber you to your next manifestation. There’s no such thing as death. You get born all over again. In fact you probably just blurred onto earth, so you’ll just blur somewhere else.

This material life is just a puppet show. The real you is not the puppet, it’s the puppeteer. You’re the puppeteer when you dream, did you know that? You put down the puppet every night and the puppeteer’s union gets together to throw back a couple or whatever puppeteers do.

This ain’t no end. It’s just change. So I’m riding that bus. The sun is glowing as it has been doing for just about ever. This is not the end.