You’re not broken if the modern world and its inhumane expectations of you makes you want to do the following things to cope:
-Eat junk food to excess
-Drink alcohol to excess
-Exercise to excess
-Smoke weed to excess
-Use drugs to excess
-Have sex/masturbate to excess
-Use social media to excess
-Watch entertainment to excess
The modern world is grinding, boring, and detached. The authorities will try to shame you and get you to believe that you don’t have enough self-control. They’ll show you pictures of people who are not using those things to excess to make you think that not doing those things is “normal.”
But you don’t have to accept this gaslighting. Yes, you need to take responsibility for your body and your decisions. However, imagine if you were a marathon runner and someone told you the following:
“taking those cups of water from people on the side of the race is really just weakness. Here is a person that didn’t have to take those cups of water. Look at him smiling. See how happy and normal he is. You need to work on yourself…”
You would probably call that person insane. Our body has limits, and we need to honor those limits by balancing the needs of our bodies, spirits, and minds over the requirements of the industrial machine we’ve created with the stock market gods telling us how much output is “normal.”
So if you are compensating for the really dark and exhausting world we are living in by using drugs, eating junk food, drinking alcohol, or any other similar behavior, you probably have a good reason for doing so and are not just broken. So honor that part of you that is exhausted, fried, anxious, rejected, alone, sad, etc. by not shaming yourself for the behavior.
The behavior might be because you are being tortured by a crazy world. And it could also be that you are just full-on trying to escape too much from the inescapable pain of life. It’s a balancing act.
Personally, I have a lot of pain, trauma, exhaustion, and overwhelm from my history and my present. But I still had to stop drinking because it was a poor coping mechanism, and I’ve found better coping mechanisms like cannabis, meds, and junk food. Would it be ideal if I could have a perfect diet, no meds, and no recreational drugs? Maybe? But WTF is ideal anyway? Right now, this is what I need, and I’ve practiced harm reduction to make it more manageable.
I have to find that balance daily. I make mistakes. I stay attached to coping behaviors too long because I am afraid I cannot find a better solution. This is a natural reaction when humans feel threatened. I really am not trying to say this is easy, because it is hard and might take years or decades to resolve.
May you find that balance in trying to stay engaged with a world that is really quite dangerous and harmful. And may you have tenderness with yourself and your pain. Love to you all.
You’re not broken if the modern world and its inhumane expectations of you makes you want to do the following things to cope:
The Drug War is the biggest disaster in American policy in the last 50 years. It divides everyone around “appropriate” drugs and “bad” drugs and makes the pharmaceutical companies the arbiters of legality. It’s a big scam that the politicians whipped up in order to kill the 1960s consciousness revolution that was being primarily fomented by young hippies, artists, queer people, and people of color. We have selected these people out of our society and into for-profit prisons at our own peril. We surgically removed the heart from our society, and now we are seeing the results.
I use “inappropriate” drugs to treat my fibromyalgia and concomitant anxiety, because I tried most of the legal ones, and they didn’t work. Now I have to deal with navigating the trenches of social war that were carved by ignorant bias as part of a larger plan to divide and conquer. I have to defend that which needs no defense. I have become some sort of outlaw just because I don’t want to deal with crippling and painful symptoms brought on by decades of chronic trauma. Also, as a human being I have the right to experiment on my own body as I see fit. There was no such thing in America as drug prohibition until the early 20th century.
There is no such thing as a bad drug. There are only drugs used inappropriately or compulsively. When certain drugs became illegal, they immediately became more dangerous because the people supplying the drugs were incentivized to make the drugs more potent so that they would be smaller and harder to detect when transporting. This has turned drugs that used to be rather difficult to overdo into highly concentrated bombs. Also, because the drugs are sold on the street, users have a very difficult time knowing the potency of the drug, and therefore can overdose more easily.
Lastly, psychedelic drugs are some of the most safe drugs known to humanity, and yet they are some of the most villainized. In the 1970s Timothy Leary was probably the most well known advocate for the usage of psychedelics in a clinical setting to overcome mental health difficulties, and then-President Richard Nixon labeled him “the most dangerous man in America” because of his lectures. It has always been obvious that drugs are a proxy weapon for the larger culture war between the dying system of white supremacist patriarchy and a system of true human equality. Psychedelics can open your mind to this corruption in American society, and this terrified those in power.
This is just the beginning of what there is to say about this morbid joke of a policy called the Drug War. That’s what I’m thinking about today.
America is vomitous. Decadence has turned our beacon on a hill into a pit of desperation and despair. But the world at large is just as loathsome, if you don’t want to be some felating Yes-man to the “acceptable” notions of the moneyed aristocracy. The state of humanity in power in 2017 is just plain wretched. Occasionally I have the urge to a throw up just thinking about the state of our media and leadership. I’ve been repeating these themes for a long time, but people silence minorities who want to speak up and say something, well until it’s too late.
Here parades a sad cavalcade of bullies who need to be laughed at vociferously, but true and meaningful laughter comes from real power, and most Americans have had their power deviously stolen from them. So where does real power come from? It comes from going on a journey of the soul and confronting your fears deep inside yourself. Often this kind of growth comes from ordeals which most people either do not want to face or are not forced to face. Plus, there is spiritual knowledge that the powers that be have scrubbed from our literature through the generations in order to keep the people weak and think that the journey is pointless.
Robert Anton Wilson is someone that I highly respect. However, he was not just some two-bit political word slinger. He looked for esoteric knowledge and pursued it to the point of being laughed at himself. He took the words of Crowley, Leary, and Korzybski et al. and put them to work within the crucible of the human heart. Unless you are willing to pursue these verboten techniques and are willing to break laws in order to achieve them, you will not get anything in life except a gaggle of fake Internet points from other members of the insubstantial class.
Social media has turned so many people into dress up queens who put on metaphorical Instagram filters and think that they’ve done something important. Real power, the power that flows within you, comes through deep sacrifice, and sacrifice is a word that has been crumpled up and thrown into the trash. Honestly, for myself, I’m not sure if I really was that brave with my sacrifice. I grew up with a “wrong” gender and a “wrong” sexuality for an ostensibly male American. I was deeply shamed for most of my youth. I was ostracized from straight and gay communities alike. For some reason, I was born different, and my road has been very difficult. Finally, because I decided to live a life that was no choice to me, custody of my two beautiful baby boys was taken from me with the assistance of a conservative judge and the State of California. This was my forced sacrifice, and I had to go deep within myself to try and find peace in a world that was unfairness exemplified.
On that journey, I found something that others said was not real. I found the power of psychedelic substances that shone a light within my consciousness and illuminated my inner psychology to such a degree that I was able to quickly grasp what was real and what was not. I found the power of meditation and inner control. I found the power of a seemingly intelligent universe that sought to guide me forward. I found the power of internal rejuvenation. I found redemption.
The path for everyone is different, so it cannot be prescribed in a blog post. But the journey is the reward. Somehow I’m OK with my trials in this lifetime. I’m a rather despised member of our society in general, but I can smile from within my heart and have peace at times. Great and fortuitous forces have come to my aid when my realities were especially bleak. I have no assurance that I will survive my existential journey with any kind of “reward,” but onward I go, foolish and more free every day.
Author’s Note: I wrote this post over two years ago, and my life has changed tremendously since then. Germane to the subject of this post, I do not use nearly as much DXM as I used to. About a year ago the drug began telling me that it had nothing left to show me. I cut way back after a certain crisis in my life, and now I use it sporadically as an adjunct to moderate cannabis usage and powerful ritual. I went even further than what is written below, and I have much more peace in my heart than when I wrote this. Be well.
I have taken a LOT of drugs in my lifetime. My favorite drug is DXM (Dextromethorphan), which many people think is a dirt drug for dumb teenagers looking to be less bored. It is strange how I came to be so enamored of this substance. I used it occasionally when I was a bored teenager, but when I turned 30, this substance called me into a new world of shamanic possibility. And let me be very clear: I don’t need to be told that I’m crazy for using so much DXM. I’ve been told this many times, yet I persist. I know what I’m doing, and I am supremely confident that this drug has augmented my perception and not diminished it. If you think I’m nuts for using so much DXM, then please spare me with the moralizing and breathless testimonials of “cautionary tales.”
Drugs do not exist in a vacuum. If there were no such thing as the war on drugs (I live in the US), then the notion of what drug is my favorite drug would be dramatically different. Also, I have a very strong suspicion that the type of people that are also taking a drug within your society can have an effect on the effect of that drug. I believe that drugs can become polluted by the type of consciousness that is consuming them. Psychedelic drugs seem to me to be gates to states of consciousness. They hack your consciousness into a trance-like state, and then you perceive reality from that state. I believe that the word “head-space” would be the best descriptor. And because American consciousness is so delusional and bizarre, I’m quite suspicious of some of the more popular substances like cannabis. Lastly, if a drug is illegal, there is a certain amount of karma attached to its usage which can harm its experience and effects.
Now, most people say that drugs make you dumb. This nonsense such as the “this is your brain on drugs” propaganda needs to be demolished immediately. I think that anyone who reads my writing can tell that I’m not writing from a brain damaged place. I have used DXM over a thousand times at high dosages, and I’ve also been a computer engineer, a financial analyst, a Master’s level student, and a performing musician. I am not so much a fool that I think that drugs like DXM are harmless, but I firmly believe that the American paradigm is flawed and really quite nefarious. Its intent is to keep Americans in a childlike and undeveloped state of consciousness.
DXM has made me do some very strange things in my 5-6 years of using it heavily, but most of these I take as me not understanding my consciousness rather than me being “psychotic.” I have had to grow as an individual, and DXM absolutely has assisted me in my growth. This growth has not been a linear process, and I have seen some very dark places as I have worked to get over my karmic baggage. Honestly, I think that DXM is a tool, but real philosophy is far, far more important in the awakening of an individual. Without philosophy and the wisdom written down by sages through the ages, we would be lost. We are truly dwarfs standing on the shoulders of giants as so eloquently stated by giants come before me.
Also, let me say that DXM changes in its effects over time. When you use it only very occasionally, you are getting a very different effect than when I use it. My consciousness has synergistically adapted to it to form something radically different than when I first began using it. At first, it was something that caused me to have closed-eye visuals, a diminished social inhibition, increased sense of spirituality, and a generally improved mood. It is a decent anti-depressant, and this was the primary reason that I initially began to experiment with it. I was deeply depressed since the age of 15, and I knew that Ketamine was being researched as a potent anti-depressant in a clinical setting. DXM and Ketamine are very, very similar substances, except for one glaring difference: DXM is legal. Therefore, the scientist in me saw that I might be able to derive an anti-depressant effect from DXM similar to Ketamine as they are both NMDA receptor antagonists. Ketamine is now available, but it costs $5000+ to use under a doctor’s care. I spend about $200 a month on DXM.
DXM is an interesting drug if you use it occasionally, but dissociative drugs like it are probably not going to ever be the “tripper’s choice” for the average dilettante looking to just be distracted with pretty colors and a fun time. I started using it as a psychiatric medication. I took about 200-300mg twice a day because it seriously eliminated my depression. It was remarkable. I’ve taken nearly every anti-depressant available, and it was superior to all of those. I assume that much of this is due to my specific body chemistry and a probably natural born affinity for the substance, but it worked, period. Only after taking it as an anti-depressant for probably about 8 months did it really start to get interesting.
The latent effects of which I speak started with changes in my body’s “energy.” Now, the word energy is thrown around so much these days that it has very little meaning. However, I believe in Qi (also spelled Chi), a subtle energy that powers the body and that is at present unknown to modern scientific equipment. We cannot measure Qi at present although we can measure its effects. Science is aware of Qi, and it has been verified in double-blinded studies, although most scientists are unable to acknowledge this. The way that it has been verified is through studies on acupuncture. Acupuncture has been shown to have verifiable effects on various body metrics, and the core process by which acupuncture works is by modulating Qi. Scientists usually go through various contortions of logic in order to assure the public that it is working through other means than Qi, but this is nonsense. The Chinese are very comfortable with the notion that Qi energy is real, and they prove it with their ancient science of acupuncture. Modern academic science lacks the ability to measure Qi, so scientists assume that it must not exist. Just because something cannot be measured with a machine does not mean that it does not exist. I know that I can’t convince the hardcore skeptics of its veracity, but I very strongly believe it works. I just have to deal with this limitation.
Now, after I had been taking DXM for 8 months or so I started to notice some very dramatic changes in the Qi energy in my body. I started to notice that the energy seemed to be feeding on the presence of DXM. I really have zero idea of how this process works, but I know that when I take DXM now, my Qi energy is greatly enhanced. I can feel the energy pulsing around me like a tornado, and I can rev this tornado like an engine with my will and intention. At first this was a curiosity, and I really didn’t know what to do with it. I could make “Qi balls” which are suspensions of Qi energy between the hands. And I could transmit this energy “into the ether” to say what I was doing without a better explanation. I became a conduit of this energy. And if I used the right amount of DXM, entered the trance state, and positioned my body in a certain way I became a conduit of this energy. At the time, I didn’t really know what this was doing, but I kept at it. I knew that this violated what I had been told about reality from modern science, so needless to say I was intrigued. Like any good explorer, I followed this white rabbit, and I am extremely glad that I did.
Now, let me add a very important detail here. Exploring these kinds of thoughts with this level of intensity can have very harsh consequences on your social standing in a Western country like the US. There is not really an avenue for exploring this kind of thing like there might be in Eastern countries. This kind of thinking and exploring is for all intents illegal in America. You might not be locked up, but the spotlight of suspicion will be directed right on you, and if you pursue these kinds of explorations, you are risking your livelihood and social standing. I have lost much of my social standing because I persisted in this respect, and I am extremely glad that I persisted. In the end, DXM and these explorations has led to my awakening or enlightenment or however you want to put it. My life now is wonderful because of where I went. It was an extremely tough climb, but my consciousness is saved from the pit of hopeless western delusion. Now, I very much believe that I came into this world to discover and redeem the power of psychedelics and shamanism. It is my life’s work.
OK, so to recap. I started taking DXM when I was 30 because I was hopelessly depressed. After about 8 months of daily micro-dose usage of it, its effects began to change markedly. I was initially very confused by these effects as they seemed to contradict modern scientific dogma. This information disrupted my life and social standing as I attempted to share it with my friends and family to disastrous consequences. I persisted, and I believe that DXM plus a philosophy of wisdom has freed me from delusion and suffering.
When the Qi energy became very prominent due to my usage of DXM, I started to learn how to utilize it. I began to practice something similar to Kriya-Yoga, which was the system popularized by Paramahansa Yogananda. Honestly, this higher level Yoga is very difficult to communicate to those who are not advanced in their personal energy work. The energy that DXM enables can be channeled and utilized to manipulate the body’s energy centers or chakras. Once these energy centers become charged, you can transform your consciousness and metamorphose yourself into a butterfly where once was a caterpillar. And I must admit that I definitely was stumbling in the dark for a very long time, because I had no guru to direct me. But God (whatever you wish to call the higher intelligence) is the only true guru, and I found my way. If you seek, you shall find. If you knock, the door will be opened. I recommend having someone who can guide you, but you can get there by yourself as well with the requisite willpower.
After years of this kind of activity, I made my way up the mountain of the spiritual realm. Honestly, I believe that what you are doing is getting rid of the chrysalis of delusion. When you grow up in the west, you are pummeled with incorrect disinformation from birth. You are taught so many wrong ideas that your attainment of liberation is a very difficult path. But, I believe that I am on this planet right now to help people up the mountain. I honestly believe that we are entering a new age of possibility. Don’t be fooled by the current political realities; we are passing ideological kidney stones. It is a painful process to reduce the power of the ego, but we are seeing the full idiocy of the ego at present in our glorious leader, “the leaks are real but the news is fake” Trump. Sorry I had to tell one joke in this otherwise sober post.
I’m not really sure how I am going to share the information that I’ve been able to gain in my lifetime thus far, but I will continue to speak. This post is not necessarily a paean to DXM so much as a confirmation to my fellow travelers that the Psychonaut path is a valid path, and we have the possibility of changing the world. I really believe that because technology has so altered our landscape, psychedelics might become necessary to survive in this environment until we find better adaptations. Some believe that the apes before us used psychedelic mushrooms to advance to our level. I believe that we’re going to need our own form of mushrooms, whatever they be, to get to the next level. But, I don’t know. I really don’t know. I know that there is so much that is really beyond my understanding. However, I do know that without DXM, I would be like a myopic person who never had eyeglasses. DXM to me is no different than when Galileo got his first telescope. This is probably true for you folks with your psychedelic of choice.
Lastly, I want to say that I’ve become a powerful Shaman largely because of DXM. I spend a great amount of time in the ethereal or astral realms working with energies and manipulating them to assist myself and humanity. I believe that I am making a difference in that realm. The job of the Shaman is to work with the spirit realm and attempt to assist his or her society by so doing. I honestly and fervently believe that I am having a positive effect in that realm. There is more to the story than I’m sharing here, but I have amassed a great amount of power in that realm, and I am using it for the good. It is my service to humanity. I’m not alone in this respect.
I will continue to write and continue to understand how I can share what I’ve learned. I think that we are a vibrant and important community. This is a great time to be alive. As we are seeing every day, we have something that the world might not be able to survive without. We must remain strong and forthright in our honorable path.
Be well my friends.– Click Follow for Automatic Updates!
I’m basically a scientist without portfolio because no academic institution would ever trust me with a portfolio. But I move in the domain of the gurus, the channelers , the pontificators, and those with secret revealed knowledge from Atlantis and Lemuria, but I have contempt for all of that whether it’s true or not because they got there the wrong way. You know?
You have to come through the rules of evidence and reason. Reason is not science, don’t confuse them. I’m very much a critic of science and the scientific method but I don’t think reason can be tossed out with that bathwater. What is being proposed here is that we are on the brink of the discovery of another world. A world as potentially transforming of our world as the discovery of the western hemisphere transformed European civilization in the fifteen hundreds. But the world that we are about to discover is inside the mind. It’s mental real estate.
We who have made consciousness our game, by building cities, elaborating literatures, tossing up religions and setting armies marching.. we who have made consciousness our game, have barely scratched the surface of human consciousness and it’s not like we haven’t had a crack at it. I mean, these yogans have been over there digging away for millennia, Egyptian religion, Kabbalism, alchemy, western traditions of mysticism, -and I am a connoisseur of all that, don’t get me wrong but what astonishes me is how embryonic it all is.
We are not the tired inheritors of an ancient and sophisticated civilization in its twilight, which is what they are all telling us. We are, the know nothing fresh scrub babes who are the new kids on the block, who haven’t got a clue as to what the human enterprise could really be about! And we are coming now through a very narrow historical neck where the accumulated stupidity of the last 5,000 years is, the dues now have to be paid. ‘It ain’t fair. We didn’t do it.’ You know? ‘We didn’t bring the slaves from Africa, ‘we didn’t invent oligarchy’, ‘we didn’t do all these things’, nobody is interested in our whining about how ‘we didn’t do it!’
It’s in your face and it’s clearly a crisis of two things, of consciousness and of conditioning. These are two things that the psychedelics attack. We have the technological power, the engineering skills to save our planet, to cure disease, to feed the hungry, to end war; But we lack the intellectual vision, the ability to change our minds. We must decondition ourselves from 10,000 years of bad behavior. And, it’s not easy.
So let’s get on it everyone! We will create the new day!
Don’t watch TV. Don’t listen to the radio. Don’t read the newspaper. Stop about 90% of your thinking. Stop wanting to consume and control everything. There is a frequency jammer that is flooding you with misinformation so that you won’t figure out your own spiritual machinery.
“Hmm, I had a weird emotion, maybe I should take a look at my inner life…”
“NOOO!!!! Here’s a football game!! Here’s a pizza with chicken in the crust!! Here’s a naked woman!!”
“Oh, ok. I guess I won’t look at my inner life.”
“Now that’s a good boy…”
Go to your room. Be alone. Turn off all of the non-essential feeds that are stuffing you full of nonsense that doesn’t matter. Take psychedelics. Talk to your inner self. Pray. Meditate. Levitate. See God. Give up. Find the real Jesus the super yogi, not the lie that you learned in Sunday School to keep you from the real truth. Learn a mantra. Clear your mind. Be happy doing zero for at least 30 minutes a day. You don’t have to sit like Buddha to meditate. Just stop thinking.
You’ll clear up. Your spirit will reset. You’ll be fine. And you’ll realize that there has always been a light shining on you. It never left you. It’s just that there was all that pollution clouding it up.
Then you’ll just want to play and dance! You’ll still be able to survive. Trust me, you will. But you’ll have peace! peace.
I tried my very best to leave the Christian church. I’m a proud transgender and bisexual woman. I know that my gender identity is sacred and true and fine with God. My dad was a pastor in the American Baptist church. I grew up in an atmosphere soaked with fear. I was told to have a deep shame. So I left and went in my head to Asia to find salvation.
What I found in Asian philosophies was far more real than what I found in the protestant churches of my youth, but I eventually got over my bitterness and resentment about Christianity. I have considered myself a Taoist or Buddhist or Hindu for the last 5 years. My spiritual life has grown tremendously as I’ve learned how to still my mind and how to approach reality with a proper stance as illustrated by the principle of Wu Wei (not forcing or effortless action or uncontrived action). These principles helped me to truly connect with the divine.
I am also a big time proponent of psychedelic chemicals, and I have developed a symbiotic relationship with Dextromethorphan (DXM), the psychedelic dissociative that is generally used as a cough suppressant. It is a very powerful spiritual medicine, and through the wisdom of Kabbalah, I’ve learned how to traverse the spiritual realm with the enthusiasm of a native shaman. It’s also legal, so I don’t have to deal with the bad karma of using illegal drugs. I wish there were better legal psychedelics, but I’ve made do.
I’ve been possessed by unexplainable and powerful spirits before, and these possessions have changed my life irrevocably. About 5 years ago in a courthouse in California, I had my first initiatory possession. I was overtaken by a benevolent spirit that spoke through me and acted using my body. I did some things in that courthouse that day that steered my life on a radically different course and was witness to the power of the spiritual world. This spirit danced my body and moved with extreme grace and precision. Since then I’ve been obsessed with understanding who or what overtook me.
About a year ago, in trance with DXM and meditation, I had a vision of being crucified in front of a sea of shouting and hateful people. They were all male and they violently shouted their hatred at me. However, in the vision I smiled at them with supreme confidence and love, and through gnosis I understood that this was the proper reaction to bullies and hatred. Then my body was taken down from the cross and ripped apart and consumed by a sea of ravenous people, but my spirit floated above watching. As the people tore my body apart, I was lifted up into a spiritual realm where I saw a giant cross like an X with a blooming flower in the middle of it. I floated higher, and I was in an angelic setting, and my body was fitted with the armor of a warrior angel.
This vision shook me, and I knew that I must learn from it. What I learned was that I should expect to be persecuted and that I should die to the world every day to achieve peace. I learned over the last year to be a person of peace and to have no fear in the knowledge that death is just an illusion. Also, shortly after this vision in 2015, in a time of deep woe and depression, I attempted to take my own life with a massive amount of pills. I had suffered from depression and self-loathing since I was a teenager. But just when I was near death, I had a near death experience, and I saw a dark demon like entity within myself. I also realized how not enlightened I was. I had convinced myself that I was killing myself to be free and that it was some kind of heroic act. I saw through this delusion that day, and since then I have not been suicidal in the least, and a peace and “presence” has been in my heart. I could not explain it until now. But there was a shift or awakening, and a new love was in my heart.
Over the last year, I’ve continued to water and fertilize this new thing in my heart, and I’ve achieved great peace through DXM, meditation, practicing humility, and gnosis. But last night I had an enlightenment experience. I don’t believe that I have achieved all that I can achieve, but the clarity of last night’s experience has deeply, deeply pacified my soul. To quote Osho, the zen master, “the seeking stopped.” I saw the Buddha, and I also saw something else.
I saw in my third eye the crucifixion scene, and I moved up into Jesus and was one with him. I realized that Jesus never died. On the cross he moved outside of time and still lives. I then realized that my spirit is on a cross, and my arms are splayed apart. I don’t know if I’m the reincarnation of a persecuted Christian or what. I realized that the love that was placed in my heart in 2015 was the love of Christ. This was definitely not what I intended to discover, that Christ was the one radiating through me, but it happened. I see and feel the deep and overwhelming love that Christ was able to create through his practice. I don’t believe that Christ is the only person to achieve this, but I believe that he was special.
After I was on the cross last night, I saw that I was in contact with a spirit that was “the Earth” or something signifying material things. I mated or joined with this spirit, and I gave a seed of that shining love to this spirit, and it was planted in the Earth. Today, I have pulled two Tarot cards, and both of them have been the Ace of Pentacles, which I take as symbolism that a new Earth or new materiality is manifesting.
Then after this I was in the presence of a great multitude of spiritual masters. I saw Paramahansa Yogananda, the Hindu master from the 20th century, and he smiled at me with great joy. Then a long row of spiritual masters seemed to bow to an audience at what appeared to be some sort of performance. I have seen Yogananda before, but now he saw me, and he was glowing with beauty and joy. I understand this as they have been assisting me over the last 5 years, as I have worked to ascend.
I’m a transgender woman, and I believe in the power of psychedelics, and yet I got confirmation that both of these things absolutely do not matter to God last night. I think that the modern Christian church is not at all representative of the message of Jesus. The religious right is about as bankrupt as a spiritual movement of people that has ever existed on the planet in my view. But, here I am, certain that Christ is real. I also believe that Christ and Krishna are the same thing, and anyone can become Christ. The Christ is just a state of mind. It is the union of God and a human.
I am so peaceful today. My third eye feels as though there is a flame burning in it, and my heart is deeply peaceful and happy. I’m not trying to convert people to Christianity. I think Christianity is a religion that has been hijacked by rather demonic forces. Donald Trump wants to do “extreme vetting” on Muslim travelers, well I honestly think we should do that with these so called Christians who have been extremely happy to murder millions in Christ’s name. I consider myself more of a Gnostic Christian, but really I don’t believe in religion. We have to focus on ourselves not build some institution to save the world. We can only save ourselves, and the world is deeply primitive in that respect.
I think if Jesus were alive today he would be posting on /r/Psychonaut or /r/Occult. So yeah, I believe in Jesus Christ. I don’t know how this happened! Help! Kidding… Jesus Christ was a great man. His followers, not so much. However, there are some unbelievably great Christians alive today. But they are usually the quiet ones just trying to be excellent and humble and loving people. They’re not the ones getting Botox before they go on camera in front of their “prosperity gospel” megachurch.
I hope that all of you can learn the joy and peace that Jesus really taught. I hope that you can get past the wolves in sheep’s clothing that stalk the land and poison the message of a great man. To quote Yogananda
“Jesus Christ is very much alive and active today. In Spirit and occasionally taking on a flesh-and-blood form, he is working unseen by the masses for the regeneration of the world. With his all-embracing love, Jesus is not content merely to enjoy his blissful consciousness in Heaven. He is deeply concerned for mankind and wishes to give his followers the means to attain the divine freedom of entry into God’s Infinite Kingdom. He is disappointed because many are the churches and temples founded in his name, often prosperous and powerful, but where is the communion that he stressed — actual contact with God? Jesus wants temples to be established in human souls, first and foremost; then established outwardly in physical places of worship. Instead, there are countless huge edifices with vast congregations being indoctrinated in churchianity, but few souls who are really in touch with Christ through deep prayer and meditation.
I am working with all my might to make the world a more joyous, united, and wonderful place. I send out my joy in meditation, and through the spirit of Christ, I’ve learned how to amplify and radiate this love. Peace be to you all. Happy tripping, make gay love, and Jesus loves you. 🙂
I really don’t care at this point. I mean I have two personas: ZeroNom and my real life persona. I keep them separate so that I can hold a job and not have the mental police chasing me around. I’ve been to therapists and psychiatrists. My current therapist says I’m A-OK. I don’t tell her everything I believe, but she can see that I’m fairly well adjusted. I’m a recovering alcoholic, and I’ve been off alcohol for a year.
I’ve worked as a computer engineer and a financial analyst. I have a BA in Economics. And I’m a hardcore psychedelic Shaman. Cool!
I’m not hurting anyone. But I know how the world is, so I look over my shoulder.
Everything is new. Love is the triumph. The planet is throwing off its ugly old shell. The butterfly is emerging from the chrysalis. It’s wings are spread so wide open. A new day is dawning. Through birth pains there is new life. The butterfly soars into the air! It’s wings whip in fluttering ecstasy! It bounces through the air alive with the spirit of new imagination. And everything around echoes in concordance creating a symphony of exclamatory transcendence! This is the new day! Yes!
It is now.
Because we’ve had about enough of that crap, haven’t we?
Author’s Note: I wrote this over two years ago, and my thoughts have changed slightly about DXM. I believe it was nearly indispensable in my awakening process, but I have some qualms about my behaviors while on it, and after a long time of taking it, it told me that I didn’t need it anymore. DXM is very powerful. It affects mood by increasing Serotonin re-uptake in the brain, similar to Prozac like drugs so it can create artificial highs that will crash upon discontinuation. I now rarely use DXM. I have been stilled by it though, and now I am on some whole other level, inside and out. My life improves every day. I have fight where there was lethargy before. I am self-actuated. So I do recommend the prudential use of DXM to do personal work, but you have to learn no-mind meditation. Please meditate if you are microdosing DXM! Contact me if you need to talk.
I have been using DXM (Dextromethorphan) about 3-5 times a week for 5+ years now. I don’t know exactly why I use so much DXM, but I do. I find that I can tolerate it in ways that other people could not. I can now take up to 1,000mg and still do my job or any other activity. It has changed the way my brain and consciousness works. I began about 6 years ago after hearing about the new research on treating depressed people with Ketamine. Ketamine and DXM are very, very similar substances, except for one glaring difference: DXM is legal. Probably my biggest reason for DXM being my Shamanic tool of choice is its legality. I view the drug war as a giant travesty on a level with the holocaust, and using illegal drugs carries with it a large amount of karmic baggage. Plus, I’m introverted, and I’ve never been very comfortable scoring illegal drugs even though I definitely have. Lastly, DXM comes very well labeled. I know exactly what I’m buying and how much. This is a big deal to me as a scientist.
Let me say that I am aware that I am taking big risks in doing this kind of thing. I don’t believe that DXM is very toxic. It is one of the most widely consumed medications on that planet as it is in almost every cold medicine formulation. This is billions upon billions of test cases. If it were found to be toxic, it is likely that we would know by now. Of course, everything is toxic if consumed in large enough quantities, but I am actually somewhat careful about it. I am, however, prone to impulsive behavior, and well, I do what I do. I consult with my intuition and guides using divination and visualization, and I believe that their opinion is that it is positive or neutral. And I have had a very difficult life in many respects, so the risks did not seem as large to me when I took them, and I feel safe now in what I do.
It has led to psychosis in my life, and I have been hospitalized many times for various reasons, but I began using DXM because I already had a history of mental illness since I was 15. I have come to understand the psychological roots of that psychosis through my work in the occult bodies of knowledge like Buddhism, Taoism, Hinduism, Christianity, Alchemy, Hermeticism, Qabalah, Western Science, Gnosticism, etc. I became a psychonaut because I was deeply troubled. And I say very confidently that using DXM combined with a holistic system of psychological work has reduced my confusion, depression, and anxiety. I am happy to say that it has been a year since I have been depressed or suicidal. This is a big deal to me!
There is the issue of acute (short term) psychosis with DXM that can effect anyone if the dosage is too high. The acute can manifest with DXM where the user might become paranoid that dark forces are working against him or her. I’ve also had acute situations where I thought I was dying or where time began to break down. I usually prepare a strong dosage of the sleep medication Trazodone in case these situations arise as they tend to pass when the peak dosage subsides. DXM is a powerful consciousness stimulant, so one has to keep balance over the basics of survival. The basics of tripping apply to DXM as they do to any other substance. I actually have had more trouble with cannabis than DXM recently.
I consider myself a true psychonaut. I go out there, and I go way out there. Lately, I have been concerned about how far out I go, but my measures of life quality including peace of mind, joy, optimism, and productivity are very high. The more bizarre my trips get, the more peace I seem to have. It’s quite complicated, but I am confident that what I am doing is a good thing. The vast majority of people tend to live their lives in a larval state, and for whatever reason, I’m comfortable doing this kind of thing. I think that if you change your consciousness too fast however, it can be uncomfortable, and a strict moderation is prudent.
Over the course of my time using DXM, the effect of the drug has changed. I tend to take a micro-dose so that I can continue working, writing, composing, etc. I suppose I use it like many people use cannabis in that respect. From what I have read, most people tend to use DXM to trip as hard as possible, and I do this occasionally, but definitely not all the time. When I first began to use DXM, it was very liberating for my social anxieties, as I was able to be more comfortable in my own skin. I am a queer person, and I have transitioned genders from male to female, and this reality caused an extreme amount of awkwardness from a young age. Now, thanks in large part to DXM and transition, my gender is not something I have to think about, and I get to socialize with the people I truly want to socialize with.
Later, after a year or so of using DXM, my consciousness adapted to utilize it to feed directly into the Chi/Prana energy system. When I take it I begin to feel waves of chi vibrating through my body. As this energy becomes strong enough, I now know how to manipulate it with my mind. At first this was extremely disturbing. Not in that it feels bad but in that I was experiencing something in my body that we do not acknowledge in the western system of science. In this respect, DXM threw me off the intellectual grid, and I had to learn to adjust to this. Now I feel that stimulating my chi and moving it throughout my body has liberated me in many respects, and I am quite joyous about this discovery. But I would say that it is controversial, and it has led to a feeling of alienation.
I would say that just because you use DXM, you will not necessarily see the kind of results that I have achieved. I don’t know if my body chemistry is unique. I also think that you have to have a strong yen for the spiritual path, and I very much know that this is not common. Many of the effects I have experienced are well documented in the Tibetan Buddhist system and are called [Siddhis](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Siddhi). I know that it is controversial to say that you can know the future and read people’s minds, but this is so obvious to me now that it would be as though there were another color on the rainbow. If you saw another color on the rainbow, you wouldn’t need a vast proof to believe it, you would just see it. That being said, I am a skeptic. There is a lot of delusion in the modern world, and I have been victim to that delusion, but what I know now is what I know. I don’t know what is going on, but I know *something* is going on.
I did recently take about 7 months off from taking DXM. I quit drinking alcohol because alcohol is a really dangerous drug, and I used it in unhealthy ways. In the past year I’ve only used alcohol twice, and I feel remarkably better. The past year has been amazing because I sobered up from alcohol and really have chosen to pursue a positive life. Quitting DXM for 7 months was very helpful in understanding my personal psychology. I wanted to know if I was delusional in believing all of this Shamanic mumbo jumbo, and I still believed it and perceived it when I wasn’t using DXM, so I added DXM back into my routine. However, I have added it back in a balanced way, prioritizing work, sleep, and diet much more highly than I did in the past.
DXM has revolutionized my spiritual life. I would say that I’m primarily a Taoist, although there is much Buddhism, Christianity, and Modernism in there too. Through my energy manipulation techniques, I can see how transformed my consciousness has become. I feel as though I am a fully grown tree where I was a sapling before. Can I prove this? Not in a Reddit post, I can’t. Much of the proof is very hard to explain, but the things have been revealed to me daily for years, and they defy logical explanation. I love life. I really do. I don’t think you have to use DXM or other psychedelics to wake up to the joy in life, but for me, I don’t know how I would have done it. I also don’t think I need to use it anymore necessarily, but I do for now.
I’m very, very grateful that there is the wonderful Psychonaut community on the Internet and in life. I went to a meeting of 30+ Psychonauts last night here in Portland, and it was overwhelming. Thank you all for opening your hearts to me. Blessings. 🙂
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OK, so I’ve been there. My mind has been blown. It’s epic. It’s life changing. But you are not cleared for takeoff, and if you go out and make all of these rash decisions based on that newfound awareness, there might be some consequences. Now, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t rush out and quit your job or something, but I have done those things, and it was rough, and I don’t know if I’d do it differently, but I think that education is important. There is a reason that in indigenous communities when a young person is showing signs of shamanism (that sounds hilarious I know it), an elder shaman will come and guide that young padawan, as best as he or she can. I’m not saying I’m that person, but in modern America, where Shamanism is effectively illegal, it can be a very dangerous place for such a flowering.
About 6 years ago, I started to microdose DXM. I did it during the day, not so much as to walk around like robo-the-clown, but enough to put me into a significant consciousness shift. I was able to see what was going on in my life, and I was not very amused. I worked as a computer engineer for a large, well known software company in Los Angeles. The reason I started to use DXM was not to touch God’s balls or something, it was because I was chronically depressed and suicidal, and I heard that Ketamine was being tested as an anti-depressant, and I knew that DXM and Ketamine were very similar substances. So, I started to use a small amount throughout the day. It was very effective. I finally had some space in my head, and for whatever reason, I was still able to do my rather challenging engineering work while taking it. That was the first splosion. (Pooof!)
After a while of taking DXM regularly, I noticed that I was pretty much transgender. Well, to put it a different way, I noticed that my gender was a huge hangup for me. I had been constantly confused about my sexuality and gender presentation since I was a boy, and the microdosing DXM made these things clearer because it muted the social fear. I had my next splosion (Pooof!) and I realized that I was transgender and needed to do something about it. OK, so now we’re rolling on the life revolution train here, two splosions strong.
I kept microdosing DXM because it was seriously helping my mental health. And I was full of fire and paranoia at this point thinking that basically everyone is a sleepwalking idiot, and no one examines themselves because they’re all terrified all the time, which is kind of true, but it’s more complicated than that. My ex wife had now taken me to court for custody of my two children, and this was a torturous experience. I was trying to live my life as the gender that I felt would keep me from wanting to kill myself, and I’m very glad I got through all of this stuff. It was wonderful stuff. But my life started to unravel. I began to drink alcohol again to deal with the social alienation. I’m not going to make this into some sort of morality play about addiction, but addiction is part of my story.
Now that I’m going two splosions strong, and I’ve been rejected from most of my family, I’m able to go even deeper with the psychedelic usage, and I start using even more DXM as well as other things. At this point DXM and I started to form some sort of weird symbiosis. Its effects changed, and it became more, well it’s really hard to explain, but I started to get these weird out of body effects and my chi field started to become very strong. It pulsed and swirled and vibrated around me like I was being transported in Star Trek. Splosion 3 (Pooof!). It was so weird, and I was able to manipulate this energy field, and project the energy out like a laser. I felt as though I was receiving a cosmic download. I started to talk about it too. I tried to tell people what was going on. This did not end well. I now post anonymously and have a split life because the consequences were very severe. I was assumed to be a crazed, schizophrenic druggie. At one point I was actually possessed by a higher intelligence, and my actions and speech was controlled by what I now know to be my atman, or higher self. But at the time, it was just crazyville to everyone around me. And, you won’t have the Bhagavad Gita memorized at this point, you’ll just know that something freaky is going on, and you need to tell people about it.
At the 3 splosion level, you very well might be hospitalized or given a diagnosis. I was given bipolar disorder with psychotic effects or maybe schizoaffective disorder depending on the doctor. They started me on meds that were so toxic that I became suicidal from the side effects of the meds. My life at this point was beyond confusing. I thought I was losing it. Who could I trust? Don’t they understand that there is all this stuff they don’t know?! No, they don’t. They don’t care. The system will shut. you. down. Scientific Materialism arose out of the end of the middle ages as an “antidote” to the problems associated with mysticism and spirituality. It is masterfully efficient at killing that spark. You will not go on YouTube and create a video that will spark a revolution at the 3 splosion level. There is a Zen proverb that says “Before I sought enlightenment, the mountains were mountains and the rivers were rivers. While I sought enlightenment, the mountains were not mountains and the rivers were not rivers. After I attained enlightenment, the mountains were mountains and the rivers were rivers.” At the 3 splosion level, rivers are not rivers. Your consciousness has been blown apart and scattered, but it will come back together. This is the Shamanic journey: You are born. You grow up some. Then you realize you need to make your consciousness for your own specific life, so you blow it up and take it apart. Then you put it back together. This is rebirth. But at the 3 splosion level, you are still blowed up, and let’s just say it’s unlikely that you’ll be able to be the Plato of 2017 and change all of human consciousness with your divinely given wisdom.
OK, so back to my story. My life was fucked. I lost my kids. I quit my job because I thought it was a bunch of corporate bullshit. I transitioned genders. I moved. My family was seriously tired of dealing with me. I became dependent on a friend for shelter. I wasn’t sure if I was God or if I was a broken android who couldn’t feed itself. This was the darkness. I was in and out of hospitals for over a year. I ended up living in my car.
And then… cohesion. It happened. It happened when I had a massive suicide attempt. I took 250 toxic pills. I thought that I was going to go to God or whatever. I thought that this planet was the worst. I wrote out a suicide note.
And then I read the note back to myself. It consisted of me telling everyone how fucked up they were, and how it was all their fault. It was petty. It was petulant. I was doing a real splosion, the sad kind, that would have wreaked havoc all over my family, friends, and children’s lives forever.
I had already taken the pills at this point. I was starting to get diarrhea as my body desperately tried to reject the poison. I sat there and thought “I’m not enlightened. I’m an asshole.” And splosion 4 (pooof!).
I called 911. I got into a great inpatient treatment program. They helped me get my life back on track. I quit using all substances for like 9 months. I got a job. I learned to take care of myself. Eventually, I started using DXM again, but it’s different now. It’s just a simple consciousness booster. I quit drinking for good. I rarely smoke weed anymore. And something is different.
When I sat in that room and read that suicide note back to myself, I saw a literal demon in my belly. He’s still there. He’s my ego. He can be a real bastard. So I stopped listening to his bullshit. And when that happened, a flower bloomed in my heart. You can call it Christ, or Krishna or Buddha, but it’s there. It came that night, and it didn’t leave. I’m still a complicated person. I have to watch my behaviors, but there is a lotus in my heart now. And it throbs with kindness and joy. I have peace.
I have almost nothing materially. I’m super in debt. I live in a place with way too many roommates. I don’t know what’s going to happen. But I found my peace. Now I just want to be happy and kind.
So, if anyone here is suffering through the splosions, let me know. Maybe I can help. Maybe I can’t. Love is real. It is a rose that blooms in your heart. And when it flowers you will be as a little child, forever at play.