Tag: essay

Truth! Love! Grace! Peace…

So many lies. Drowning in lies. Gaslight nation. The only way to live in this deluge of mendacity is to find your truth and walk that truth forward. Making enemies in the service of truth is honor. Just ask yourself: what would America be without slavery, without indigenous land theft, without Jim Crow, without mass incarceration, without a few million dead Iraqis, Vietnamese, Afghanis? Can we speak these truths that are self-evident to the highest power?

I think the house of cards crumbles if you remove that stolen fuel. And what are we doing with that stolen wealth? Squandering it with navel-gazing, hedonistic decadence. You can’t get high forever. Eventually the party is over. I’m lucky because I lost everything. This country made me into a pariah. I could not have my inner freedom without outer suffering. Through torture I have been saved. And not saved like Joel Osteen saying that I’m saved on national TV. That’s just cosplay saved.

Listen to the suffering of others and you will see the mother of all love, the goddess of all compassion. Then you will be saved because you have deep compassion for yourself. Laugh at the seriosity of America. This is not the only way to run a country. I know it gets beaten into our heads from age 2 that we are the most advanced form of government in the world. Do we even want to be advanced? Where is the love? Where is the community? Where is the outrage that our family members are sleeping in the freezing cold on concrete? Your heart will tell you the truth of that situation if you listen.

Truth requires love and love requires truth. I have every reason plus twenty to have hate in my heart, but I just wanted to destroy myself when I harbored hate in my heart. I just gave it up. What Christians call the holy spirit came down and said “you’ll never know if you’re going to survive, you’ll always feel pain, you’ll suffer, but I’ll be there with you.” And so something stopped in me. I believe in Christ but I’m not a Christian. Turn the other cheek on the inside. Let them win. For in losing, you gain a peace that surpasses all understanding. They gain some green paper. You gain your soul.

What is a Proper Life? [My Sunday Sermon for 11.17.19]

The origin of my suffering was the pursuit of a life without pain. Acceptance of the element of chaos within every moment of my life taught me that I cannot build castles and towers of Babel to remove myself from pain. Pain is my teacher and should be befriended and listened to so that I might grow. A modest life in tune with nature seems to me to be the path or way. A life of poverty has been instructive to me.

One might ask “how do you know what is modest?” If you are not lying to get wealth through manipulation or directly stealing wealth, then you can do as much with your time as possible to build defenses against calamity. Unfortunately, our American lives are built on stolen wealth, and that wealth should be returned so that our lives are closer to Earth and closer to pain.

Our cultural notion that a “primitive” life, close to the Earth is a miserable existence is so baked into our collective consciousness here in the West that we cannot imagine a simple, anarchic existence of living in tune with nature. The very influential philosopher Thomas Hobbes described the primitive existence of humans as “nasty, brutish, and short.” And yet, now we have constructed lives that are nasty, mind-numbing, and longer.

Within our beings is a plant called wisdom. In order for that plant to grow, it needs to be watered by the tears of pain and lighted by the sunlight of humility or it will never mature. This is the present that we find ourselves in, a present without wisdom because we have vanquished pain and eschewed humility.

This life exists so that we might grow from children into adults. There is a seriousness that needs to be achieved in order to live a fulfilled life. That is my experience. Seriousness saved my life. Life need not be serious all the time of course, but until one can look life starkly in the face and have true acceptance for one’s part in what’s gone wrong and be able to make changes to correct the situation, you are not there. You can live without wisdom, but you will miss the point entirely and probably will need to distract yourself with shiny things until you die, unfulfilled.

The Current Crazy Will Lead to a New Paradigm

Everything seems crazy right now unless you realize that technology and the internet is shaking the establishment to its core, and the establishment is freaking out as a result. Because the establishment has tendrils into so much of our government-media-military complex, you are witnessing a giant freakout as the clothes of the pseudo-emperors are exposed as non-existent.

What are they doing as a result in real-world terms? Supporting a clown as president even though they know it is wrong and forgoing any semblance of ethical behavior. It is sad to see people exposed so deeply, but they are getting exposed at a very quick rate.

This carnage won’t likely be over until 2024 or so by my estimates based on various methods, but it will end. The old, decrepit growth is being broken down and tilled over. You may not see it now, but the children are shocked by their elders’ behavior. A change is gonna come, and it’s gonna come quick.

So, if you’re supporting the right-wing as it is, you’re the bird who was telling the dinosaurs “it’s just a regular asteroid, no worries. It’s just a permanent winter, no worries. Arby’s will be open in no time!” The old carapace is being shed. We all should welcome this natural death.
This isn’t to say that we should stop fighting and just let them die. No, we are the asteroid. They are the Arby’s loving dinosaurs.

What Mercury retrograde means for you

According to astrological lore, when a planet goes retrograde, it slips into its shadow side. Mercury is going retrograde right now, and for the next few weeks it will be going “backwards” in the sky. Retrograde motion is really just an illusion. No planets go backwards. But there does seem to be something there in regards to astrology.

So for the next few weeks try and operate from your heart-centered place. Know that your needs and wants might be screaming at a higher volume. I’ve already made a few mistakes this retrograde and said things that were immature. The purpose of retrograde motion is to challenge us to do better and slough off patterns that no longer serve us.

Imagine that you are sailing a boat down a river. When a planet goes retrograde it’s as if the water level drops on the river, and thus, the rocks on the bed of the river are more exposed. You no longer have the ease of sailing on a high level of water, so you have to pay better attention for a while. This sharpens your ability to communicate.

You can always do nothing and let your boat scrape on the metaphorical rocks and be far worse off. Those rocks might show up as assuming a me versus them mentality and saying things from a defensive standpoint instead of a confident, heart-centered position.

Be well my friends. I know not everyone believes in astrology, but these suggestions work if you don’t believe as well. And lastly Mars is retrograde too in Aquarius using the tropical system. There’s a lot of challenge going on. No one is perfect. We all make mistakes and get bumps and bruises. The important part is that we get up and get back on the wheel of that boat sailing down the river of life.

A deluge of data and flood of fake news is coming. Exercise your critical thinking muscles to survive it.

A hugely important if not most important skill is critical thinking. Now that our machines have become masters of illusion, only those who exercise their critical ability will not be sung to the rocks by the fake news sirens. In this new digital jungle, an appropriate detachment is maybe the only thing that can save you. I’m definitely not innocent of being fooled in my life, trust me, but I think we know that our technology is rapidly becoming very deceptive, and those who have not worked out their discretionary muscles will be the first to be sucked down the drain of Neptunian confusion.

Even those “scientists” who have memorized books and books of dictums will be easily swallowed up. Memorization is not logic. One can exercise the scientific method, an invaluable tool, and not be a “scientist” as is properly understood by the masses. You can be properly scientific about your own internal mechanisms and emotions, something very difficult to test and therefore largely ignored by the scientific establishment. You can be properly scientific and detached about mysticism, synchronicity, magick, and many other verboten subjects.

In Astrology, we are entering the “Aquarian Age” for reasons I won’t explain here. The interesting thing about the sign of Aquarius is that it is represented by a young androgynous boy pouring water out of a jar. Also the name Aquarius means water quite obviously. But the sign is actually an air sign, as all astrological signs have a corresponding classical element (fire, water, air, earth). The element of air symbolizes the intellect, data, communication, and change. Might we be witnessing the deluge of data? The flood of communication?

What will be the ark on which one will rise above this coming wave? I would say that it would be individual discernment and critical thinking with a heavy dose of listening to one’s own heart as well.

We need to stop with this left right nonsense. Everyone is both left and right in some measure. Find the middle.

You gotta be half severe as Stalin and half merciful as Mother Theresa. Yes, there are leftists who cling to and identify with victimization and in so doing try to escape from their own fears and inadequacies. There are fascists who cling to and identify with extreme judgmentalism as a salve for whatever trauma they suffered and can’t move past. We need to stop with this left right nonsense. Life is a balance between opposites. On one side is complete, loving union; on the other is stark separation. Every human organism must dialecticaly move between opposites to survive. Be male and female. Be left and right. Be ego and total spiritual dissolution. Strength lies in balance.

So who cares about this Jordan Peterson motherfucker? He’s not saying crazy things. He might be a little too severe for some or even me, but everyone has their overt and covert severity. Spamming memes instead of arguing is so 3rd grade.

I used to be really into Ayn Rand, like really into her. I went to the Objectivist speeches and read all of her books. But later I came to see her metaphysics as far too materialistic and severe and really just ignorant in many ways. However, I can still appreciate some of what she was saying about asserting yourself and being a radical individual. I mention that I used to be into Ayn Rand to some lefty types, and they sneer with dismissive derision. I had to explore the severe and later the merciful and find a balance.

America is like a brain without a corpus callosum, the structure which links the left and right hemispheres. We are like a person whose right hand is attacking their left and vice versa. Sadly, as many a wise person has uttered throughout history the answer will come in the middle. However, these days centrists are largely reviled. It’s much easier however to be totally reductive to one side of the spectrum because then you can just parrot slogans instead of alchemically balancing opposing sides to find a synthesis.

Will we elevate through the middle pillar to a beautiful balance? It’s going to happen on an individual level if anything. The reformation and revolution has to occur in individual hearts and minds. Then some good and novel synthetic balance might flower.

Identity Politics in the Real World

I have a very complicated perspective on identity politics. As a queer and transgender person, I am constantly surrounded by intense debates that center on buzzwords like privilege, race, and intersectionality. I came out as trans six years ago into the tumbler of Tumblr style politics, and I picked up the flag of radical identity politics like a good liberal and ran with it. I spent thousands of hours writing outrageous polemic after polemic that snarled at the white, male oppressor because I was, unsurprisingly, very damaged by said oppressor. I grew up being bullied by 99% male peers starting before I really had any idea what gay, queer, trans, or any of those concepts meant. I just knew I was the target. This instilled a deep resentment in me that I’m still to this day (I’m 37) trying to dig out from under and probably will be until I pass.

However, resentment is not all roses and candyland. As Mark Twain once quipped “anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” I became a festering pit of toxic resentment, which was really just a hyper-defensive state of extreme paranoia. I became increasingly suicidal until after years of living on the edge of death, I finally woke up and realized that this line of thinking was doing far more damage to me than to the “enemy.”

It’s not as simple and binary as saying that “now I’m better because I realize that identity politics is terrible!” Our system pits us against each other like terrified Pit Bulls in a dog-fighting pit with screaming Plutocrats on the sidelines urging us to bloody our fellow citizens. By the time you wake up to the fact that the other dog across from you is not the real enemy, you have become hyper sensitized to react to those dogs because they do pose an existential threat. In my estimation, this is how we are controlled from the aristocracy, and it doesn’t have to be a conscious top down phenomenon. The rich know that when people are too busy fighting with people who should be their allies, they are too distracted and damaged to band together to effect real, substantive change.

Honestly, I believe that one of the core reasons for this nascent tribalism is that our intellectuals eschewed grand unifying theories a century or two ago and devolved into Balkanized camps where each group’s minutia was equally important to the others. We lack an intellectual cohesion and vision, or this kind of vision is kept from becoming ascendant. I’m not really sure what the cause is, but yeah, I don’t know a lot of things. I’ve found more grand unifying theories in esoteric writers like Aleister Crowley and Robert Anton Wilson among others than from the official ivory towers wherein I started my search. I studied Economics and Philosophy in university, and then I realized that there was little novel creative thinking going on in those institutions. But I suppose I’m a bit of an esotericist by nature, so I needed something more avant-garde anyway.

I have seen the best queer minds of my generation destroyed by the pursuit of that elusive victim status that is going to take all of their problems away. But life is rough. Everybody has pain, even your so-called enemies of privilege. Even though I have been decimated by injustice, I now know that trying to victimize myself is a trap that I don’t want to go back into. But it’s a balance. It’s not as reductive as we’d like. Middle path, middle pillar, golden mean…

Be well fellow pitbulls.

I learned to check my assumptions, and it saved my life

The Internet is “the Prover” from “the Thinker and the Prover” on overdrive. If you think that you are totally helpless, oppressed, and persecuted, your internal prover is going to link up with the technological prover called the Internet and deliver a world that perfectly matches your thinker’s paradigm. As a transgender woman, I’ve had to work hard to get out from under the torrent of “proof” that my life is going to be miserable and fraught with disaster because I’m a persecuted minority. Of course I am a persecuted minority, but that in no way means that I will suffer because of it. Often now I can’t even talk to people in my community because their prover has so convinced them that their life will be one long sad march of woe. There appears to be a tendency to malign the optimists within minority groups in my culture (the US).

However, real systemic injustices do exist, and we need to see them remediated, but as individual actors, I believe that in order to have a sound psychological mechanism within our consciousness, we need to be aware of how insidious the Prover can be and constantly check our assumptions in order to see if they are appropriate. Often just by challenging the narrative that says I am an ant under a boulder of persecution by privileged tyrants, I am called some sort of reactionary right-winger. I just want to live a middle pillar life where I balance my persecution against the real agency I do have in my day to day life. 

I lived for decades with the notion that my life was meaningless and riddled with terror, and unsurprisingly it ended with me repeatedly trying to kill myself. Then I reached the realization that I had personal, spiritual power that could be grown through intentional, sometimes described as magickal, action. When I woke up from that I realized that I had merely been carrying water for people who wished to see me weak and dispirited. This water goes back to the medieval church and even further of course. I realized in a near death experience that I was being played, and I don’t really know all of the mechanics of what went on, but I believe I became spiritually integrated with my higher self who had no time for self-loathing. 

I’m not trying to prescribe a specific path other than to say that one should question her principles and thoughts. See where they come from. They might not be your own, and they might be poisoning you. And with the advent of the Internet, they can poison you very quickly.

The US War on Drugs is a Perverse Charade of Injustice Wreaking Havoc Upon the Most Vulnerable Among Us.

The Drug War is the biggest disaster in American policy in the last 50 years. It divides everyone around “appropriate” drugs and “bad” drugs and makes the pharmaceutical companies the arbiters of legality. It’s a big scam that the politicians whipped up in order to kill the 1960s consciousness revolution that was being primarily fomented by young hippies, artists, queer people, and people of color. We have selected these people out of our society and into for-profit prisons at our own peril. We surgically removed the heart from our society, and now we are seeing the results.

I use “inappropriate” drugs to treat my fibromyalgia and concomitant anxiety, because I tried most of the legal ones, and they didn’t work. Now I have to deal with navigating the trenches of social war that were carved by ignorant bias as part of a larger plan to divide and conquer. I have to defend that which needs no defense. I have become some sort of outlaw just because I don’t want to deal with crippling and painful symptoms brought on by decades of chronic trauma. Also, as a human being I have the right to experiment on my own body as I see fit. There was no such thing in America as drug prohibition until the early 20th century.

There is no such thing as a bad drug. There are only drugs used inappropriately or compulsively. When certain drugs became illegal, they immediately became more dangerous because the people supplying the drugs were incentivized to make the drugs more potent so that they would be smaller and harder to detect when transporting. This has turned drugs that used to be rather difficult to overdo into highly concentrated bombs. Also, because the drugs are sold on the street, users have a very difficult time knowing the potency of the drug, and therefore can overdose more easily.

Lastly, psychedelic drugs are some of the most safe drugs known to humanity, and yet they are some of the most villainized. In the 1970s Timothy Leary was probably the most well known advocate for the usage of psychedelics in a clinical setting to overcome mental health difficulties, and then-President Richard Nixon labeled him “the most dangerous man in America” because of his lectures. It has always been obvious that drugs are a proxy weapon for the larger culture war between the dying system of white supremacist patriarchy and a system of true human equality. Psychedelics can open your mind to this corruption in American society, and this terrified those in power.

This is just the beginning of what there is to say about this morbid joke of a policy called the Drug War. That’s what I’m thinking about today.

A Few Words

God gave you a left hand and a right hand. On one side there are things that happen to you and you’re the victim or receptive or yin. On the other side, you are the actor, the thinker, the yang. You can’t reduce it to one. It’s both, well at least both. I’m not that smart enough to know how many hands reality has. But you can’t say that you’re a total victim, and you can’t say that you’re a total egotistical controller. We’re all both in varying degrees. So can we please meet in the center? Can we have a mosh pit of love and understanding. I know that some people are “unrelatable” but people change. I used to be a frothing right winger. I grew up. Let’s all stop being total know-it-alls that are completely convinced that the other side is wrong. Certainty is poison. There is no certainty in a complicated system of oppositional actors. Humility, Please?!
By the way, WTF is wrong with you Donald Trump. I’m talking to you as one of those horrible trannies that you want to cleanse out of the military. (BTW, only we can say tranny. Don’t fucking say it if you’re not a tranny.) Grow the fuck up motherfucker! Simmer down my brother. You’re not fucking Christ. Lord. The amount of intellectual certainty in this budding Aquarian Age is just too much. Yeah, we kind of know things because of science, but science is wrong every day.
OK I feel better. It’s such a fucking disaster. Center. Breath. Ground. Know that you’re a dumb ass ape. Life is work.
I’m drunk, but hey, I can write a few words.

Recovery and Rebirth in Interesting Times

America makes you crazy, so you gotta give yourself a break. I’m trying to work on getting over a lot of my instilled fear of groups and friends. I spent so long being incognito, desperately trying to be this “perfect male” so that people wouldn’t know who I really was. It takes a lot of deprogramming to undo that kind of thing, and you have to be careful about it and not just go at your history with a flamethrower. Truly remaking yourself, healing your mental health, is the subtle and daring work of a shaman or artist more than a “good patient” or whatever the authorities advocate to heal. I think that mostly I need to have an unerring devotion to the notion that I am fallible and be ready to cut those wrong assumptions about myself at the root when I find them. I rather enjoy being humble and accepting my own flaws. But it takes a lot of work, and I have to be able to accept when someone else says something true about me that I don’t want to hear. It takes practice, and each time gets easier.

I have a lot of anxiety. It comes and goes, but it has been my most loyal companion of my 37 trips around the sun. The anxiety is rooted in fear, a fear of rejection and loss of security. I’ve had people I thought cared about me suddenly turn and shun me so many times in my life that I’ve developed a serious inferiority and instability complex. Having my kids taken away was the nuclear bomb that severed me from my history. I was so broken that I was forced to start over and try anything to not want to kill myself on the daily. But I haven’t been like that for almost 2 years now because I learned to laugh at the total insanity of my situation and my behaviors. A good laugh can cure just about anything. I have my secret and unorthodox means for arriving at these salvations, and I wish I could be more open, but we live in paranoid times, so the prudential people must follow the ancient Chinese proverb in “hiding their light and biding their time.”

Life is still just as much of a challenge as when I was at my lowest. It might be even harder because I was ignoring so many things back then that I have to address now, but I just have a different perspective. I think something Buddhist or Christian or whatever stuck down in my heart, and I internalized the truth that pain is a constant in life, and yet in spite of pain, we can still have joy. It’s easy to pigeon-hole folks like myself as overly emotional social justice warrior millennial whiners, but I just have to say that some of us have a lot of shit to dig out of. Growing up trans or queer or radically in the minority is heavy, heavy stuff. There are some people who are just addicted to the victim attention for sure, but most of us misfits are just trying to get better, do better, be better, etc.

I do have great news to share though! My cat of 12 years, Snow, is recovering incredibly well from Hepatic Lipidosis which is a fairly common liver disease for house cats. I’ve had to feed her through a tube twice a day for over two weeks now, and it’s been a challenge, but my little Snowbie is doing great and returning to her cranky and loving self. Our vet is also using traditional Chinese herbal medicine to assist in her recovery, and she looks better than she’s been in a long time. My heart is so joyful over it. I am so completely blessed that my partner was able to pay for the expensive surgery too.

It’s such a strange time for America and for transgender people and everybody. There is a funny Chinese aphorism that one tells to someone they don’t particularly like: “may you be born in interesting times.” Well these sure are some interesting times. My life has been nothing if not interesting. I’m not sure exactly what I’m supposed to figure out with this Sisyphean exercise, but I’m gonna figure out whatever I can. I’m gonna play this video game until I see the final credits!