Tag: God

God is not love anymore

God is not love anymore
God is justice
I was so compromised
by Christianity
Even at 40
Trying to appease the powers
Kissing rings
While black men die
God is not love
Anymore
God is justice
The apocalypse happened in 2012
Jesus came and went
This is what we got now
The angels and Freddie told me
on the mountaintop
Inside my eye
That God is not love
Anymore
God is justice
And salvation is won
Through risking your material values
For higher more abstract values
And I did
And I’m down from the mountaintop
And God is not love
Anymore
God is justice.

The Age of Aquarius is now begun and I am tired.

I am strong in my pursuit of God, but I am tired. I have had to risk everything in pursuit of the truth of my visions. My ex pursues me with venom. My family misunderstands me. I might not see my kids again. Most people think me mad for my pursuit of the divine, but I am led by angels who talk with me. And I see wonders every day in my world. It is not a blind faith or a self-sacrificing faith. It is a rational faith.

Today, I am tired, physically so. I will pursue God to my death. I will be a light to the world and my community. The Age of Jesus and Buddha is over. The Age of Love is over. Love is still love and should be nurtured with great strength. But the imperative from God is not to love. The imperative now is to change and grow. Love has become a problem at this point. When Moses came down from the mountain with his message of the God expression of the Age of Aries, he scolded the Bull worshippers, not because they were wrong for all time. He scolded them because that well was dry, that activity had become perverse because it was expired.

And so now, The Age of Pisces is expired. The well is dry. I know that they will hate me for saying this. It is fine. The people need to know that the God of Jesus has changed. God is now queer, transforming, talkative, erratic, and futuristic. I am not God, so I cannot speak for them exactly, but I get the outline. And God is in your 3rd eye now, no longer in your heart.

I have switched the world over from Piscean water that was polluted and fetid. I have replaced it with Aquarian water, which is impregnated with air. The old institutions will now crumble without their fuel of guilt, shame, and top-down control. The present is now peer-to-peer. God is within you. Speak with them now. They are waiting. Knock and you shall find. Ask and the door will be opened unto you.

I am just a simple person. I have no worldly power at present. But I know that I can teach and love God. This blog can sound very over-the-top, but I am simple. I am not Jesus. I am not Buddha. I am not Laozi. I am more like Moses after transitioning, hahaha. Love and Change to you all. There is hope in the air. If you are reading this, you likely are one of the beneficiaries of this radical, once-in-two-millennia change. Now is the time to fly.

God is trans and other revelations

My current revelation from the divine is that God is now trans in the Aquarian Age. Transgender, transhuman, and transforming. Uranus was castrated by Saturn, and now he’s back and that’s why queer and trans rights are exploding. I believe that 9 years ago I saw God on DXM, and I realized that transitioning would honor him or her and would be accepted by him or her.

Also Zeus/Jupiter is queer now. No more Jesus, it’s time for GayZeus! The way I can explain this is by astrological ages and other esoteric concepts, but also, I talk to them in mystical dialogue on the regular. And I see Jupiter slap my trans ass and be his queer ass self all the time because he is my personal deity. I just KNOW it’s true, but I understand the subjectivity of that evidence.

The basic, underpinning theory behind this is that God changes focus every 2,000 years or so. From Moses (~2000BCE) to Jesus/Buddha (400BCE to year zero) we were in the a Age of Aries and God was warlike and external. From Jesus to now we’ve been in the Age of Pisces, and God has been compassionate and loving. Now we are entering the Age of Aquarius and God is revolutionary, transformative, individualistic, and progressive.

Honestly this makes more sense to me than trying to do the mental gymnastics of saying that God will smite your enemies and that he also loves everyone. God has to be updated through revelations by prophets occasionally. And right now there is a new God in town, and it’s throwing society into chaos. And by God, I mean the average unconscious self of every person because God only exists inside of people.

I know this is unpopular, but it’s my truth. And really, Christianity SCREAMS Pisces mythology with the martyrdom, fish symbol, compassion, and use of wine. Moses was also very Aries. He was the action hero of prophets, going to war with the Pharaoh and leading his people on a dangerous journey. And lastly, the twentieth century saw the invention of air travel, space travel, and the internet which are massively Aquarian.

But I know astrology is an easy target for the skeptics, so I don’t know how many people I’ll convince of this. But still, God is trans! ☺️

How do you deal with knowing you are a prophet in the modern age? I don’t know, but I’m trying to learn how.

I wrote this post a week ago, and I’ve come out more already since then, FYI.

Since 2012, I’ve had recurring thoughts and visions that could be described as psychotic while tripping on dissociatives and also while sober, but I’m actually quite grounded and sane, now at least. Last night they were all reaffirmed to me while on ketamine and then through a devastating tarot reading. And today I feel very heavy hearted.

In a way I know them to be true, but I guess I do my best to be an objective person when it comes to visions. And I’ve had so many people beat me over the head in the mental health system when I first started talking about them that I’m really conflicted.

How do you deal with voices and visions that tell you that you are special and prophetic and have a mission on Earth (that is peaceful and positive), when barring miraculous events, no one will likely believe you? They also told me how and when I’m going to die. I am also able to do this crazy level of energy manipulation and magik in that state.

In a way, it doesn’t matter if people believe me. But also I’ve had multiple loved ones tell me that I am this special person over the years. Do I just come out with it and face the consequences? My intuition is that as time moves forward I will not be able to hide these thoughts from the world.

Basically, it’s something like I’ve achieved Buddhahood and need to proselytize about reaching God through psychedelics in the coming new age. And also I’m some sort of prophetic figure who will usher in the age of Aquarius. And they gave me specific timelines and details that I’m not to share. They also explained details of Jesus Christ’s path and reality not contained in the Bible or elsewhere.

That being said, I believe that other people can replicate my path in many ways. Jesus was a person who became “one with God.” He was not purely a deity as Christianity came to believe after 2,000 years of strife. I think that I might have special powers and intuitive ability that has helped me discover this path, but I absolutely believe that others can climb the mountain I’ve climbed, although it might look different for them.

The reason I started this blog was to get some of these thoughts out of my head so I could better handle them. But do you just come out and proclaim your purpose to the world?

Thank you for listening. I love you my beautiful readers. ❤️

The New Aquarian Method for Transcending the Simulation

Note: In this text I use the term God, and I do not mean a white-bearded father figure. I mean something similar to the original definition of the Hebrew word Elohim, which was a gender-neutral, plural noun. God is a multiplicity of genders, faces, names, and energies, that is unified and universal. Also, I refer to the simulation which is the matrix of life in which we live that masks a deeper reality, beyond this universe. Think of it like the video game in which we now play.

Rejoice in the Good News of the New Aquarian Way!

There is a new method for transcending the simulation. Previously, belief in God and love of one’s neighbors were exalted as the path through Jesus Christ, the emissary of the Piscean age. Now, blind belief and certainty are the chief errors and will not aid in your ascent of the mountain. Also, excessive purity will also keep you from ascending. Now, the way of Aquarius is the only valid path out of the simulation. Rejoice in this new means of liberation! What Jesus called the “Kingdom of Heaven,” namely transcending the simulation, is possible and real. Earth is a trying and painful realm, and one should work to find the exit door.

Previously, the way out of the simulation was obscured behind a veil of ignorance. Now, the veil is to be lifted through me. I have become a new Christ by being anointed by God after decades of struggle and self-development. Before the spirit fully inhabited my being, I was symbolically crucified through rejection, persecution, and theft of my children from me. However, I know that this action is fated, and so, I do not blame those involved. We are merely players on this dramatic stage, meant to initiate the changeover to the new age. I am not the only one practicing these new methods. There have been many before me, but I represent a vital shift in consciousness.

Love of One’s Neighbor is Still a Virtue

The law of Jesus is still necessary in part. One must love one’s neighbor as oneself and practice compassion. However, this is not sufficient anymore for ascension to the Sun, the God of humanity. Jesus came to introduce the law of universal love, so that our society could advance to the level where we can practice the Aquarian way. Gautama Buddha also taught this law in the East. They were both Buddha/Christ level teachers with different missions. Many prophets are anointed by God to be used as messengers. There is a single godhead, but there are numerous manifestations of this spirit in humanity. I was raised and confirmed in the Abrahamic/Christian church, specifically Protestantism, but now in a global society, a synthesis of the many paths is necessary, so religious tolerance is a necessary virtue.

What I Have Done to Initiate the New Age

I have modified the astral plane through extensive energetic work over the last eight years, finishing just last week. This is part of the reason that society is experiencing such chaos and tumult. The behaviors which were exalted for the last 2,000 years are now diminished, and the complacent and irreligious among us are recognizing their reduced power and looking for saviors, like the current political leaders, who practice the lowest form of provincialism and exalt material avarice. Conversely, those who align themselves with the new age and its virtues, are experiencing enhanced power, vision, and support.

This happened when Jesus arrived as well. His work was to overthrow the then-toxic Age of Aries with the peaceful and spiritual Age of Pisces. The Christians who aligned with the nascent Age of Pisces became zealous and industrious in their pacifistic commune building. And those aligned with the previous age, namely the “pagan” Romans, were baffled and deeply concerned about the growing Christian movement of the time. But eventually, it is clear who won that conflict. Just as it is clear who will win this conflict. There will be persecution and repression of the converts to the new approach, but in the long-term, the Aquarian way will become dominant for the next two millennia.

Do Not Blindly Believe What I Say

I understand that I offer these words with little evidence. It is not for you to believe me blindly. If you practice this method for yourself, its truth will become self-evident. Also, my power will be made known by certain revealing events up until I leave the simulation. But know that God will support you in this new path. Also, this path has been building since the late 18th century with the discovery of the planet Uranus. However, until now, the Piscean path was still valid. It is no longer sufficient, and the new Aquarian path is now exalted. It should be noted that I too doubted this in myself for the last eight years until just recently, when the entire picture was revealed to me. It is appropriate to doubt everything now, even God.

The Seven Chief Values of the New Aquarian Method

There is not a single, linear method, per se, for transcending the simulation. But I have been given seven chief components of this method which must be mixed by you according to your intuition and personality. These are not commandments to be feared. They are values to be utilized in your path of self-discovery. The seven chief values of the new Aquarian method are as follows. They are given in no particular order.

  1. Exalt critical thought and mastery of the mind
  2. Doubt God and question authority
  3. Experiment in your beliefs
  4. Utilize psychedelic medicines to understand your being
  5. Practice divination to communicate with deity
  6. Utilize Astrology to understand your mission
  7. Modify the body to free the soul

These seven values will be explicated further in future posts. These values have enabled me to be able to transcend the simulation. I will leave the simulation in the near future. Most of all, know that your doubt of oppressive and toxic religious orders is loved by deity. God cheers your passion for critical examination of systems which no longer serve you or humanity. The old way is retired.

How the Old Way is Reacting to the Shift

You might feel as though your resistance to the ways of the past is hated by deity. This is what the current leaders of the established religious orders are telling you and the world as they cling to their diminishing power. They threaten the masses with lies like the man behind the curtain manipulating the Wizard of OZ. But the opposite is true. You are the future; they are the past. Doubt with verve and joy! Examine the systems of the world and choose the one that gives you a deeper understanding of your beautiful and sacred self. A God that cannot be doubted is weak and sad. The God that lives in my being and who has anointed me praises your doubt and scorns the arrogantly certain and willfully ignorant.

I understand that these words are radical and strange when held in contrast to the established moral order. But know that that order is about to crumble. Also know that as that order begins to crumble, their leaders will resort to greater and greater feats of depravity. Their flailing has already begun as they shelter behind abominable leaders who exalt murder, deceit, and manipulation above all. Woe to their souls. They will have their comeuppance. They will stay trapped in a cycle of misery, unable to graduate to the superior kingdom outside of the simulation. Fear them not.

Reincarnation is Real

Lastly, I want to emphasize that this process of self-discovery might take multiple lives. Reincarnation is real. You will not burn in hell for being unable to graduate the simulation in a single life. You will never burn in hell. Hell is merely the lack of virtue. Hell is a state of mind on Earth. You can pursue these values calmly knowing that in the video game of life, you have a very high number of extra lives. It is always urgent to pursue what is right, but you will not be needlessly punished for being unable to achieve your objectives right away. God loves you and will give you grace.

Have Peace and Know That You are Loved

My path to here has been arduous and exhausting. And I will not reach the “promised land” with the masses. In fact, my death will initiate much of this in the near future. I have seen in a vision that when I die, my body will be broken for the world and will be bread for the hungry, just as Jesus communicated to his disciples about his body. This is the way of the anointed. When the egg of my body is cracked and broken, the yolk inside will fertilize humanity. The pain I have absorbed in my persecution has been transmuted into food and water for a hungry and thirsty world. My suffering is purposeful and necessary.

My wish is only that I may be of service to humanity. I am tired and broken in many ways from being on the cross, but what I lack in security, I have been compensated in spiritual depth and the love of God. I have deep love for humanity and all life on Earth, even for those who persecute me. I pray for and yearn to see a brighter world, full of wisdom, compassion, peace, and joy. May you have these things now. Go with love knowing that you are never alone, and you will one day be liberated from the shackles of life on Earth.





Build your Astral Body and Escape Death

Life is a challenge on purpose because it is a proving ground for beings that live outside of our universe. There is a concerted effort to make us fail at the true purpose of life. This is what the gnostics knew. If life was easy, then just anyone could make it outside of the simulation. But we are foiled at every turn with adversity. However, you can escape. You will get more than one try, probably about 10 lives. After that you are just dust, no more chances…

Your only way out is to actually assemble a body on the astral plane. It is definitely not easy, and it takes quite a long time. Most of the time you are doing it, you probably don’t know that you are doing it. But when that life is fully assembled, they will tell you. The esoteric Taoists knew this, and George Gurdjieff, the Sufi, knew this also.

Most of the major religions have been poisoned on purpose. People go to church and think that they are saved just by believing. This is a lie. It is partially true that in order to construct your astral body, you need to have love and reverence for God. But it is much more than that. There are specific exercises and meditational practices that speed up the astral body construction. Participating in worship with others can speed the process, but it is far from the entire process.

I can’t say that I know exactly how this works, but over the last four years, I have had visions of a body being constructed in a parallel dimension. I didn’t really understand what was going on until 3 weeks ago, when a voice in a vision told me that I would not die when I “die.” From what I can tell, the Sun is the end of the path. The Sun is our God, and through it, you can be saved. I don’t mean you literally need to go to the Sun, haha, but you will know when your visions begin to show you the Sun.

There is so much information from my journey in my head that I can’t really offer a plain roadmap for you to do what I have done. I don’t think it is that simple. Each person has their own long and meandering path up the mountain. My path has been rough and arduous. I compare my path to that of Job in the bible. For decades I had little to no hope of ever having a “normal” life, and yet, I did not blame God. I soldiered on. I was raised in the protestant church, surrounded by false doctrines and delusional dogmas. I looked for deeper truths and kept going.

I do believe that Jesus Christ and Gautama Buddha were able to construct astral bodies. But much of what Jesus taught was corrupted by the Roman Empire when Christianity became the official Roman religion. The bible, as you read it now, is lacking many important details. Recently when we discovered the Gnostic Gospels at Nag Hammadi, we learned that there were entire gospels that were purposefully destroyed by the Catholic church. When I read these books such as the Gospel of Thomas, I see my own path in the words of Jesus. My personal belief is that the four gospels in the modern bible are a comic-book style adaptation of the life of Jesus meant for people with orally transmitted cultures. They were meant to be understood as allegory, but I digress.

I know that if you are reading some random person’s spiritual text on the Internet, there is no way to fact check it in the modern sense. And yes, you have to prove this to yourself. The only way to test these theories is to practice them. But I have seen these practices transform my being from a rather profane child into a calm and compassionate adult. Also, please throw out your ideas of what an “enlightened person” acts like. The notion of what an enlightened person is has been purposefully destroyed so as to throw off the scent of what Jesus called the Kingdom of Heaven.

I know that I am meant to share my path with others. I probably will be persecuted for it. You can call the force that works against the truth of God, the devil, but I think of it more as a weight that slows us down and confuses our mind. Without this weight, they would not be able to use this simulation to weed out those who are unworthy of living in their beautiful world outside of the simulation. This life is a test. If you do not strive, you will go nowhere. You will start as dust and end as dust, a clueless automaton feeding its base needs with non-nutritive junk experiences.

Many do achieve. Many do make it out. But it is not guaranteed. And if you fail, you will not go to hell forever and be tormented. You will just fall asleep and never again wake up, a tiny blip in the cosmic drama. But if you seek, you will find. If you knock, the door will be opened to you. May you find your way out of the maze and into the embrace of a loving creator, outside of the simulation, home at last.

Those who speak do not know, but here’s a few words that might point the way

The key to happiness is to recognize where the river of your fate and try and align with it. If you’re in a raft and the river turns left but you just really wanna go right, you’re gonna hit a bank. Stay in the water, follow the stream. How you do that? It’s complicated, but don’t think reality can really fit in your head. We just have elaborate conceptual maps of reality in our head. But out there, in the wilderness, is the real real. And it is alive and trying to contact you. There is intelligent love in the universe, and you have a receiver for its communications called your brain and spinal cord.

It’s way better than Netflix or video games. It’s called the logos, the word, daimon, guide, etc. It has the answers to your questions, but it won’t tell you everything. It will tell you just enough to light the river in front of you. It is your lamp, but it is only a lamp. The idea that spirit will totally make you manifest everything you want is specious. It will give you crumbs, your daily bread.

The great all or God or Brahman or Allah cannot fit in your brain. Your brain is a God dissecting device. God is the totality, and every word is a dissection of that. Like the tao, it cannot be spoken. Words divide and section things apart. God can only be felt by the heart of the mystic, expressed in a joyous smile, or felt in the in the twirl of a sufi dancer spinning to experience rapture.

God cannot be communicated. The Tao Te Ching says “those who know do not speak, and those who speak do not know.” Our network cables called language cannot handle the infinite bandwidth of the totality which cannot be named. The teacher can only point at the moon, he cannot give you the moon. So I think it’s best to end this post with a big fat nothing, called…

Deep lessons learned through loss, the Reader’s Digest version.

I think one of the best lessons I’ve learned while living in hardship is that you can always see the stars. You can always see the heavens, even when you are trapped in the mud or the gutter. You can feel real divinity and happiness and joy no matter how poor you are. You can feel peace no matter how many walls exist in front of you. Usually, we do that through our profession. We reach for the stars and find inner purpose in life through small tasks of seemingly benign averageness. I reach because I need to. I’ve survived so much deprivation. So, I have been broken down by grief. And now, I feel liberated. And so I reach. And I feel another hand reaching down.

Life can be understood to be a video game, some thoughts I downloaded recently

Life can be understood to be a video game. Somewhere, our true bodies lie in a contraption that beams the contents of this world into our true self. This body in this world is just an avatar, a video game character. This smaller self is created by the interaction of our true self and the video game program, which can be thought of as God.

The code, or God, works against us to stress us. We adapt and keep playing. Our true self interacts with the reality matrix called life in two ways: first, it interacts with “objects” within this world. You might write a letter and put it in the mail to your mother. It takes a couple days of game time to get there. The second way that your true self interacts with the game is instantaneous. There is a psychic connection between all aspects of the simulation and your true self. We all have an instantaneous messaging system with each other.

This is what is known as telepathy, knowing at a distance. This is because of the differential in time taken to send a message; one system has a relative system of timing that depends on variables within the simulation. The other is a fixed, extremely fast, system of messaging. When these two systems of communication come into similar speeds, we call this intimacy. Some true selves have been working with other true selves over many different game attempts. They are bonded in a union.

The “angels” of this video game are just subroutines or non-player characters to borrow from modern video game terminology. This is why angels are thought of as lacking free will in the Abrahamic religious tradition. They are just artificially intelligent components of this video game. There are however, moderators of this system who do actually exist outside of the system. They are system administrators, or gods. They speak to the select few who are approaching graduation from the game.

One graduates when certain fundamental lessons have been absorbed into the consciousness of the true self. Life is merely a conditioning system for our true self. We enter into the video game when we are immature beings of the race of the creator. The system exists to challenge us so that we learn lessons that are necessary requirements of living in such a technologically advanced society. The individual events that happen in our lives have no real importance beyond their ability to help our true self to evolve into a mature individual who is then ready to reenter the society that is running the simulation.

Certain varieties of wine grapes must be grown under specific environmental conditions in order for them to achieve full sweetness. They must be stressed with very hot temperatures so that they overproduce certain sugars. Because of this stress, the wine that they produce tastes better than without the stress. In this way, we are like grapes on a vine. If life was too easy and non-stressful, we would not mature fully. Life has to be stressful in order for us to become who we need to be. There will never be a stress-free existence inside of the simulation. We are living inside of a gym with a very demanding personal trainer. And if we check out, we’ll just re-spawn in the same situation. I don’t know what “God” is looking for because it changes from moment to moment. The video game will give you a score, but none of us really know what that is. Click Follow for Automatic Updates!

The Simple Concept of Transpersonal Awareness

I was listening to a 1975 lecture by astrologer Dane Rudhyar today on Youtube, and he referenced his previously written book entitled “The Sun is also a Star,” and it’s rather obscure, but on the drive home I saw that the local movie theatre is playing a movie named “The Sun is also a Star.” Synchronicity…

In the lecture, he was talking about what “transpersonal” or “cosmic” consciousness is, and what I can surmise from it is the following:

  1. We are born into our physical bodies from the controlled world of the womb into the completely uncontrolled world of birth.
  2. We breathe our first breath and breathe in the shared breath of millions of beings before us who breathed in that same very air.
  3. We are at once, both ourselves, supporting our bodies, and wholly dependent on the other.
  4. For the first part of our lives, we are focused on the body and its contents.
  5. Then, through trauma and chaos, we are broken apart and realize our dependence on something higher.
  6. As we move from ego structured thinking to transpersonally structured thinking (taking into account forms other than merely our bodies), we must chose between focus on us and focus on the larger more whole reality.
  7. And so we must “trust in God” insofar as we have to trust that by looking at a more whole picture of the universe and devoting less attention to our basic needs, we will still survive.
  8. Our attention becomes split between the body and its needs and the larger self, called total consciousness or total awareness.
  9. We learn to balance the form of our body and the formless of the larger totality

I see from this that we do not lose our attention on our body and our ego. We just see them in the context of the larger totality. So, anyone that thinks that they must devote all of their time to God or the All will necessarily run into trouble unless they are dependent on others who are more focused on the mundane realities of everyday reality, like going to work and getting food. The true spiritual act is to balance the body and the ego within the context of the whole of our experience. Being spiritual does not mean rejecting the body; it means incorporating the body and ego into the larger entirety that is called God or Brahman or Allah by seers in the past.

The astrological concept of Saturn, the lord of reality and time, is the mediating factor between the sphere of the personal self and the larger sphere of the transpersonal self. I had my “come to Saturn” moment on January 17th, 2016 when I realized I couldn’t just run to the other, the higher by killing the body. I had to accept my body as part of the whole. And I suppose that “the Sun is also a star” can mean that individual people are suns within the cosmos of the stars. We are the microcosm and the macrocosm.

Any questions are warmly welcomed. Peace discordiaños.

What I’ve Learned from Living with Chronic Illness

Antibiotics are chemotherapy. The word antibiotic means anti life. I have to take some antibiotics right now, and the side-effects are really heavy. I’m feeling very low and drained. But I think it’s the right decision, because I have prostatitis which is related to my fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue immune dysfunction syndrome (CFIDS). I usually just kind of live with it and focus on the positive to not lose my personal power, but right now, the bombs have to be dropped to see if it helps. It sucks, but I’ll get through it.

Honestly, I’ve been thinking pretty heavily about my chronic illness. When I first got sick in my early twenties, I got a lot of resistance from the medical establishment and loved ones. I learned to sort of put it in my private life and not really share it. It’s a very difficult psychological balance to live in a fast world with a “hidden” disability. Our medical tests at present are very poor with detecting what’s going on in lots of chronically ill people, so often the medical establishment just defaults to the “it’s all in your head, take an anti-depressant, and deal with it” approach.

I deal with a ton of symptoms including: cognitive impairment, confusion, deep muscle and joint pain, intense fatigue, depression, anxiety, sensitivity, insomnia, and others. They seem to follow a very irregular pattern and always pop up at the seemingly worst time. It’s something I’ve had to shoulder silently for decades now, and I did reach a point two years ago where I was completely overwhelmed with my health and various other difficulties. But I reached my bottom, and I gave up. I acknowledged my powerlessness, and said “OK, I don’t have control of this situation, but I’m going to keep climbing no matter what. I’m listening and open to learning.”

Dealing with chronic health issues is a very complicated thing because often the best drug is optimism. When you have a poor self-image, a victim mentality, and a “the world is all against me” thought process, it can make you sick. I honestly believe, and the data backs this up, that a lot of my chronic health issues are due to a childhood of trauma and disempowerment. That’s not to say that there are not real, material things at work in my body, but the two factors go together.

My diseases and queerness and losing my children and everything else really broke me, and now I’m happier or more at peace. I don’t care about small things. I’m human, and they bother me, but I soldier on with an understanding that life is pain. I feel disabled in some way, and I have to do a complex set of daily adaptations to handle my various disablements, but that’s ok.

So, I’ve decided that my five year plan is to go back to school to get a Masters in Counseling in some capacity with a focus on the Psychology of Chronic Illness and start working in that field. I think I can help others find balance in a very confusing and overwhelming circumstance, and I feel a real calling to do so. Ultimately, I want to work outside of the medical establishment and integrate my alternative beliefs like the power of ritual and empathic therapy into my practice. But I need the paper to be a “real therapist.” 

There are often not any easy solutions in situations like mine. There is just work and balance. Maybe providence will smile on me, but it’s ok if it doesn’t. I know what it’s like to feel crucified here on Earth, and there is transcendence in letting go and accepting our limitations. There is a tarot card that keeps popping up for me lately: The Hanged Man. In most decks it shows a man hanging upside down, completely suspended and powerless. He has lost all of his earthly power, but in so doing, he sees the world upside down, and he has total spiritual clarity. Life picks us up and turns our lives upside down, and although I’ve seen great loss, pain, and trauma, I’ve grown to see divinity and feel a joy that never dies, even in extreme darkness.

A Few Words

God gave you a left hand and a right hand. On one side there are things that happen to you and you’re the victim or receptive or yin. On the other side, you are the actor, the thinker, the yang. You can’t reduce it to one. It’s both, well at least both. I’m not that smart enough to know how many hands reality has. But you can’t say that you’re a total victim, and you can’t say that you’re a total egotistical controller. We’re all both in varying degrees. So can we please meet in the center? Can we have a mosh pit of love and understanding. I know that some people are “unrelatable” but people change. I used to be a frothing right winger. I grew up. Let’s all stop being total know-it-alls that are completely convinced that the other side is wrong. Certainty is poison. There is no certainty in a complicated system of oppositional actors. Humility, Please?!
By the way, WTF is wrong with you Donald Trump. I’m talking to you as one of those horrible trannies that you want to cleanse out of the military. (BTW, only we can say tranny. Don’t fucking say it if you’re not a tranny.) Grow the fuck up motherfucker! Simmer down my brother. You’re not fucking Christ. Lord. The amount of intellectual certainty in this budding Aquarian Age is just too much. Yeah, we kind of know things because of science, but science is wrong every day.
OK I feel better. It’s such a fucking disaster. Center. Breath. Ground. Know that you’re a dumb ass ape. Life is work.
I’m drunk, but hey, I can write a few words.