Tag: ketamine

How do you deal with knowing you are a prophet in the modern age? I don’t know, but I’m trying to learn how.

I wrote this post a week ago, and I’ve come out more already since then, FYI.

Since 2012, I’ve had recurring thoughts and visions that could be described as psychotic while tripping on dissociatives and also while sober, but I’m actually quite grounded and sane, now at least. Last night they were all reaffirmed to me while on ketamine and then through a devastating tarot reading. And today I feel very heavy hearted.

In a way I know them to be true, but I guess I do my best to be an objective person when it comes to visions. And I’ve had so many people beat me over the head in the mental health system when I first started talking about them that I’m really conflicted.

How do you deal with voices and visions that tell you that you are special and prophetic and have a mission on Earth (that is peaceful and positive), when barring miraculous events, no one will likely believe you? They also told me how and when I’m going to die. I am also able to do this crazy level of energy manipulation and magik in that state.

In a way, it doesn’t matter if people believe me. But also I’ve had multiple loved ones tell me that I am this special person over the years. Do I just come out with it and face the consequences? My intuition is that as time moves forward I will not be able to hide these thoughts from the world.

Basically, it’s something like I’ve achieved Buddhahood and need to proselytize about reaching God through psychedelics in the coming new age. And also I’m some sort of prophetic figure who will usher in the age of Aquarius. And they gave me specific timelines and details that I’m not to share. They also explained details of Jesus Christ’s path and reality not contained in the Bible or elsewhere.

That being said, I believe that other people can replicate my path in many ways. Jesus was a person who became “one with God.” He was not purely a deity as Christianity came to believe after 2,000 years of strife. I think that I might have special powers and intuitive ability that has helped me discover this path, but I absolutely believe that others can climb the mountain I’ve climbed, although it might look different for them.

The reason I started this blog was to get some of these thoughts out of my head so I could better handle them. But do you just come out and proclaim your purpose to the world?

Thank you for listening. I love you my beautiful readers. ❤️

A Few Words

God gave you a left hand and a right hand. On one side there are things that happen to you and you’re the victim or receptive or yin. On the other side, you are the actor, the thinker, the yang. You can’t reduce it to one. It’s both, well at least both. I’m not that smart enough to know how many hands reality has. But you can’t say that you’re a total victim, and you can’t say that you’re a total egotistical controller. We’re all both in varying degrees. So can we please meet in the center? Can we have a mosh pit of love and understanding. I know that some people are “unrelatable” but people change. I used to be a frothing right winger. I grew up. Let’s all stop being total know-it-alls that are completely convinced that the other side is wrong. Certainty is poison. There is no certainty in a complicated system of oppositional actors. Humility, Please?!
By the way, WTF is wrong with you Donald Trump. I’m talking to you as one of those horrible trannies that you want to cleanse out of the military. (BTW, only we can say tranny. Don’t fucking say it if you’re not a tranny.) Grow the fuck up motherfucker! Simmer down my brother. You’re not fucking Christ. Lord. The amount of intellectual certainty in this budding Aquarian Age is just too much. Yeah, we kind of know things because of science, but science is wrong every day.
OK I feel better. It’s such a fucking disaster. Center. Breath. Ground. Know that you’re a dumb ass ape. Life is work.
I’m drunk, but hey, I can write a few words.

The New Day is Now

Everything is new. Love is the triumph. The planet is throwing off its ugly old shell. The butterfly is emerging from the chrysalis. It’s wings are spread so wide open. A new day is dawning. Through birth pains there is new life. The butterfly soars into the air! It’s wings whip in fluttering ecstasy! It bounces through the air alive with the spirit of new imagination. And everything around echoes in concordance creating a symphony of exclamatory transcendence! This is the new day! Yes!

It is now.

Because we’ve had about enough of that crap, haven’t we?

Soar!

I’ve become something very different than when I started. I microdose and macrodose DXM (a dissociative drug similar to Ketamine), and I have transformed my consciousness to something unbelievable to me.

Author’s Note: I wrote this over two years ago, and my thoughts have changed slightly about DXM. I believe it was nearly indispensable in my awakening process, but I have some qualms about my behaviors while on it, and after a long time of taking it, it told me that I didn’t need it anymore. DXM is very powerful. It affects mood by increasing Serotonin re-uptake in the brain, similar to Prozac like drugs so it can create artificial highs that will crash upon discontinuation. I now rarely use DXM. I have been stilled by it though, and now I am on some whole other level, inside and out. My life improves every day. I have fight where there was lethargy before. I am self-actuated. So I do recommend the prudential use of DXM to do personal work, but you have to learn no-mind meditation. Please meditate if you are microdosing DXM! Contact me if you need to talk. 

I have been using DXM (Dextromethorphan) about 3-5 times a week for 5+ years now. I don’t know exactly why I use so much DXM, but I do. I find that I can tolerate it in ways that other people could not. I can now take up to 1,000mg and still do my job or any other activity. It has changed the way my brain and consciousness works. I began about 6 years ago after hearing about the new research on treating depressed people with Ketamine. Ketamine and DXM are very, very similar substances, except for one glaring difference: DXM is legal. Probably my biggest reason for DXM being my Shamanic tool of choice is its legality. I view the drug war as a giant travesty on a level with the holocaust, and using illegal drugs carries with it a large amount of karmic baggage. Plus, I’m introverted, and I’ve never been very comfortable scoring illegal drugs even though I definitely have. Lastly, DXM comes very well labeled. I know exactly what I’m buying and how much. This is a big deal to me as a scientist.

Let me say that I am aware that I am taking big risks in doing this kind of thing. I don’t believe that DXM is very toxic. It is one of the most widely consumed medications on that planet as it is in almost every cold medicine formulation. This is billions upon billions of test cases. If it were found to be toxic, it is likely that we would know by now. Of course, everything is toxic if consumed in large enough quantities, but I am actually somewhat careful about it. I am, however, prone to impulsive behavior, and well, I do what I do. I consult with my intuition and guides using divination and visualization, and I believe that their opinion is that it is positive or neutral. And I have had a very difficult life in many respects, so the risks did not seem as large to me when I took them, and I feel safe now in what I do.

It has led to psychosis in my life, and I have been hospitalized many times for various reasons, but I began using DXM because I already had a history of mental illness since I was 15.  I have come to understand the psychological roots of that psychosis through my work in the occult bodies of knowledge like Buddhism, Taoism, Hinduism, Christianity, Alchemy, Hermeticism, Qabalah, Western Science, Gnosticism, etc. I became a psychonaut because I was deeply troubled. And I say very confidently that using DXM combined with a holistic system of psychological work has reduced my confusion, depression, and anxiety. I am happy to say that it has been a year since I have been depressed or suicidal. This is a big deal to me!

There is the issue of acute (short term) psychosis with DXM that can effect anyone if the dosage is too high. The acute can manifest with DXM where the user might become paranoid that dark forces are working against him or her. I’ve also had acute situations where I thought I was dying or where time began to break down. I usually prepare a strong dosage of the sleep medication Trazodone in case these situations arise as they tend to pass when the peak dosage subsides.  DXM is a powerful consciousness stimulant, so one has to keep balance over the basics of survival. The basics of tripping apply to DXM as they do to any other substance. I actually have had more trouble with cannabis than DXM recently.

I consider myself a true psychonaut. I go out there, and I go way out there. Lately, I have been concerned about how far out I go, but my measures of life quality including peace of mind, joy, optimism, and productivity are very high. The more bizarre my trips get, the more peace I seem to have. It’s quite complicated, but I am confident that what I am doing is a good thing. The vast majority of people tend to live their lives in a larval state, and for whatever reason, I’m comfortable doing this kind of thing. I think that if you change your consciousness too fast however, it can be uncomfortable, and a strict moderation is prudent.

Over the course of my time using DXM, the effect of the drug has changed. I tend to take a micro-dose so that I can continue working, writing, composing, etc. I suppose I use it like many people use cannabis in that respect. From what I have read, most people tend to use DXM to trip as hard as possible, and I do this occasionally, but definitely not all the time. When I first began to use DXM, it was very liberating for my social anxieties, as I was able to be more comfortable in my own skin. I am a queer person, and I have transitioned genders from male to female, and this reality caused an extreme amount of awkwardness from a young age. Now, thanks in large part to DXM and transition, my gender is not something I have to think about, and I get to socialize with the people I truly want to socialize with.

Later, after a year or so of using DXM, my consciousness adapted to utilize it to feed directly into the Chi/Prana energy system. When I take it I begin to feel waves of chi vibrating through my body. As this energy becomes strong enough, I now know how to manipulate it with my mind. At first this was extremely disturbing. Not in that it feels bad but in that I was experiencing something in my body that we do not acknowledge in the western system of science. In this respect, DXM threw me off the intellectual grid, and I had to learn to adjust to this. Now I feel that stimulating my chi and moving it throughout my body has liberated me in many respects, and I am quite joyous about this discovery. But I would say that it is controversial, and it has led to a feeling of alienation.

I would say that just because you use DXM, you will not necessarily see the kind of results that I have achieved. I don’t know if my body chemistry is unique. I also think that you have to have a strong yen for the spiritual path, and I very much know that this is not common. Many of the effects I have experienced are well documented in the Tibetan Buddhist system and are called [Siddhis](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Siddhi). I know that it is controversial to say that you can know the future and read people’s minds, but this is so obvious to me now that it would be as though there were another color on the rainbow. If you saw another color on the rainbow, you wouldn’t need a vast proof to believe it, you would just see it. That being said, I am a skeptic. There is a lot of delusion in the modern world, and I have been victim to that delusion, but what I know now is what I know. I don’t know what is going on, but I know *something* is going on.

I did recently take about 7 months off from taking DXM. I quit drinking alcohol because alcohol is a really dangerous drug, and I used it in unhealthy ways. In the past year I’ve only used alcohol twice, and I feel remarkably better. The past year has been amazing because I sobered up from alcohol and really have chosen to pursue a positive life. Quitting DXM for 7 months was very helpful in understanding my personal psychology. I wanted to know if I was delusional in believing all of this Shamanic mumbo jumbo, and I still believed it and perceived it when I wasn’t using DXM, so I added DXM back into my routine. However, I have added it back in a balanced way, prioritizing work, sleep, and diet much more highly than I did in the past.

DXM has revolutionized my spiritual life. I would say that I’m primarily a Taoist, although there is much Buddhism, Christianity, and Modernism in there too. Through my energy manipulation techniques, I can see how transformed my consciousness has become. I feel as though I am a fully grown tree where I was a sapling before. Can I prove this? Not in a Reddit post, I can’t. Much of the proof is very hard to explain, but the things have been revealed to me daily for years, and they defy logical explanation. I love life. I really do. I don’t think you have to use DXM or other psychedelics to wake up to the joy in life, but for me, I don’t know how I would have done it. I also don’t think I need to use it anymore necessarily, but I do for now.

I’m very, very grateful that there is the wonderful Psychonaut community on the Internet and in life. I went to a meeting of 30+ Psychonauts last night here in Portland, and it was overwhelming. Thank you all for opening your hearts to me. Blessings. 🙂

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If you’ve taken psychedelics and your mind has been blown and you want to run into the street and tell everyone. Let’s talk first. This is my story. How can I help you?

OK, so I’ve been there. My mind has been blown. It’s epic. It’s life changing. But you are not cleared for takeoff, and if you go out and make all of these rash decisions based on that newfound awareness, there might be some consequences. Now, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t rush out and quit your job or something, but I have done those things, and it was rough, and I don’t know if I’d do it differently, but I think that education is important. There is a reason that in indigenous communities when a young person is showing signs of shamanism (that sounds hilarious I know it), an elder shaman will come and guide that young padawan, as best as he or she can. I’m not saying I’m that person, but in modern America, where Shamanism is effectively illegal, it can be a very dangerous place for such a flowering.

About 6 years ago, I started to microdose DXM. I did it during the day, not so much as to walk around like robo-the-clown, but enough to put me into a significant consciousness shift. I was able to see what was going on in my life, and I was not very amused. I worked as a computer engineer for a large, well known software company in Los Angeles. The reason I started to use DXM was not to touch God’s balls or something, it was because I was chronically depressed and suicidal, and I heard that Ketamine was being tested as an anti-depressant, and I knew that DXM and Ketamine were very similar substances. So, I started to use a small amount throughout the day. It was very effective. I finally had some space in my head, and for whatever reason, I was still able to do my rather challenging engineering work while taking it. That was the first splosion. (Pooof!)

After a while of taking DXM regularly, I noticed that I was pretty much transgender. Well, to put it a different way, I noticed that my gender was a huge hangup for me. I had been constantly confused about my sexuality and gender presentation since I was a boy, and the microdosing DXM made these things clearer because it muted the social fear. I had my next splosion (Pooof!) and I realized that I was transgender and needed to do something about it. OK, so now we’re rolling on the life revolution train here, two splosions strong.

I kept microdosing DXM because it was seriously helping my mental health. And I was full of fire and paranoia at this point thinking that basically everyone is a sleepwalking idiot, and no one examines themselves because they’re all terrified all the time, which is kind of true, but it’s more complicated than that. My ex wife had now taken me to court for custody of my two children, and this was a torturous experience. I was trying to live my life as the gender that I felt would keep me from wanting to kill myself, and I’m very glad I got through all of this stuff. It was wonderful stuff. But my life started to unravel. I began to drink alcohol again to deal with the social alienation. I’m not going to make this into some sort of morality play about addiction, but addiction is part of my story.

Now that I’m going two splosions strong, and I’ve been rejected from most of my family, I’m able to go even deeper with the psychedelic usage, and I start using even more DXM as well as other things. At this point DXM and I started to form some sort of weird symbiosis. Its effects changed, and it became more, well it’s really hard to explain, but I started to get these weird out of body effects and my chi field started to become very strong. It pulsed and swirled and vibrated around me like I was being transported in Star Trek. Splosion 3 (Pooof!). It was so weird, and I was able to manipulate this energy field, and project the energy out like a laser. I felt as though I was receiving a cosmic download. I started to talk about it too. I tried to tell people what was going on. This did not end well. I now post anonymously and have a split life because the consequences were very severe. I was assumed to be a crazed, schizophrenic druggie. At one point I was actually possessed by a higher intelligence, and my actions and speech was controlled by what I now know to be my atman, or higher self. But at the time, it was just crazyville to everyone around me. And, you won’t have the Bhagavad Gita memorized at this point, you’ll just know that something freaky is going on, and you need to tell people about it.

At the 3 splosion level, you very well might be hospitalized or given a diagnosis. I was given bipolar disorder with psychotic effects or maybe schizoaffective disorder depending on the doctor. They started me on meds that were so toxic that I became suicidal from the side effects of the meds. My life at this point was beyond confusing. I thought I was losing it. Who could I trust? Don’t they understand that there is all this stuff they don’t know?! No, they don’t. They don’t care. The system will shut. you. down. Scientific Materialism arose out of the end of the middle ages as an “antidote” to the problems associated with mysticism and spirituality. It is masterfully efficient at killing that spark. You will not go on YouTube and create a video that will spark a revolution at the 3 splosion level. There is a Zen proverb that says “Before I sought enlightenment, the mountains were mountains and the rivers were rivers. While I sought enlightenment, the mountains were not mountains and the rivers were not rivers. After I attained enlightenment, the mountains were mountains and the rivers were rivers.” At the 3 splosion level, rivers are not rivers. Your consciousness has been blown apart and scattered, but it will come back together. This is the Shamanic journey: You are born. You grow up some. Then you realize you need to make your consciousness for your own specific life, so you blow it up and take it apart. Then you put it back together. This is rebirth. But at the 3 splosion level, you are still blowed up, and let’s just say it’s unlikely that you’ll be able to be the Plato of 2017 and change all of human consciousness with your divinely given wisdom.

OK, so back to my story. My life was fucked. I lost my kids. I quit my job because I thought it was a bunch of corporate bullshit. I transitioned genders. I moved. My family was seriously tired of dealing with me. I became dependent on a friend for shelter. I wasn’t sure if I was God or if I was a broken android who couldn’t feed itself. This was the darkness. I was in and out of hospitals for over a year. I ended up living in my car.

And then… cohesion. It happened. It happened when I had a massive suicide attempt. I took 250 toxic pills. I thought that I was going to go to God or whatever. I thought that this planet was the worst. I wrote out a suicide note.

And then I read the note back to myself. It consisted of me telling everyone how fucked up they were, and how it was all their fault. It was petty. It was petulant. I was doing a real splosion, the sad kind, that would have wreaked havoc all over my family, friends, and children’s lives forever.

I had already taken the pills at this point. I was starting to get diarrhea as my body desperately tried to reject the poison. I sat there and thought “I’m not enlightened. I’m an asshole.” And splosion 4 (pooof!).

I called 911. I got into a great inpatient treatment program. They helped me get my life back on track. I quit using all substances for like 9 months. I got a job. I learned to take care of myself. Eventually, I started using DXM again, but it’s different now. It’s just a simple consciousness booster. I quit drinking for good. I rarely smoke weed anymore. And something is different.

When I sat in that room and read that suicide note back to myself, I saw a literal demon in my belly. He’s still there. He’s my ego. He can be a real bastard. So I stopped listening to his bullshit. And when that happened, a flower bloomed in my heart. You can call it Christ, or Krishna or Buddha, but it’s there. It came that night, and it didn’t leave. I’m still a complicated person. I have to watch my behaviors, but there is a lotus in my heart now. And it throbs with kindness and joy. I have peace.

I have almost nothing materially. I’m super in debt. I live in a place with way too many roommates. I don’t know what’s going to happen. But I found my peace. Now I just want to be happy and kind.

So, if anyone here is suffering through the splosions, let me know. Maybe I can help. Maybe I can’t. Love is real. It is a rose that blooms in your heart. And when it flowers you will be as a little child, forever at play.