Tag: lgbtq

Your inner voice is calling out to you to begin your transition to wholeness

I’m transgender, but for me, the importance of that fact is not about being trans or queer or bisexual. Those things don’t really matter. What matters is that you listened to a voice or a feeling on the inside of your physical being, and you decided to elevate the internal over the consequences of the external world. For some people, this is harder than others. For me, I had to go on a years-long gender transition to fully elevate my internal over my external. Conversely, your transition from an externally focused person to an internally focused person can be quick. Everyone’s trip up the mountain is different.

But we all need to go on this transitional journey for the world to heal. Religions around the world have talked about the “still, small voice” in your being for millennia. If you listen to your conscience, it will speak to you. But to do that, you need to quiet the external world. You’re not going to hear that voice if you are blasting Marvel movies into your face all day long. Everyone has a voice inside of them. At first, it is unconscious and hidden. But it can be revealed through a set of practices and rituals.

That voice is the real you, by the way. The clothes you wear, the music you listen to, the home you own, those things are not the real you. The real you is dark and mysterious and hard to reach. But when you integrate that part of yourself into your conscious self, you undergo what Carl Jung called integration or individuation. And then you become the magic yourself.

Listening to your conscience is a radical act these days. I assert that the reason for this is that your conscience is feminine. The internal self is receptive and quiet, and the patriarchy hates it because it can’t control it. So first, the rulers makes us believe that it doesn’t exist through materialist theories of reality. Second, they will medicate and lock up people who assert that their internal truth is more valid than the external truth of society, namely schizophrenics or bipolar individuals, creating a chilling effect for all soul seekers.

I think this is one reason why transgender people elicit such intense anger and confusion in people. When most people encounter someone who says that their internal voice is more right than the external accepted “truth,” they call that person crazy. We are programmed to do so, and we all do it. So when I say that my internal voice says that I am more feminine than masculine, but my external genitalia is masculine, lots of people point and yell “Crazy!” because they are programmed to do this.

Most people have just decided that the external masters of reality are more able to be right than their inner voice. So they just ignore it, pour alcohol on it, suppress it, and try to kill it. When someone like me comes along and says “my inner voice is feminine, and I want my body to match that” all many people can reflexively think is that I must be insane and in need of treatment.

But alas, my inner voice is magical and true and lovely. And following the inner voice is a commitment that requires integrity, fortitude, and lots of work. Maybe people don’t want to follow their inner voice because it is too challenging. And I totally understand how the Christian church basically made the feminine and the mystical an afterthought in their dogma.

Follow your inner voice. It is found in your unconscious mind, which is really what God is. When you sleep, this is the active part of your mind. So you know it well. If you don’t follow your inner voice and make your unconscious conscious, your unconscious will make you very unhappy and will fuck with you, causing you to do bizarre and unexplainable things.

If we don’t all start going on this transition, the world will not survive. The whole world needs to transition to a world where the mysterious inner voice is the true religion. But there is a massive pustulant boil of entrenched, patriarchal, and outdated power that must be overthrown. It needed to be overthrown a hundred years ago. Better late than never.

At least, that’s what my inner voice told me…

Why transitioning gender has helped me deal with the current reality

Being transgender is kinda nice in that I’ve already digested the fact that nearly everybody lies about how they care about the poor and the downtrodden. News flash: MOST people don’t care. I heard a Buddhist teacher say once that he liked to assume that things were already broken, like the teacup he was using, so that you can just enjoy what time you have with the formed thing. I’ve kinda already digested that the US is broken and won’t help me. If it does, cool!, but I’m happy just not relying on it and doing what I need to do to survive under my own steam at this point. I’m sure I’m not the only one to experience this.

It’s gonna be ok. Trauma is hard, but trauma is inescapable in life, and you can recover and grow from it. A rose bush thinks being trimmed back in the winter is traumatic, but without that trauma, it would not grow as well as is possible. Peace to you all. Shit breaks, and we put new stuff together. And really, most of the US is already dead branches that need to be pruned.

I still get overwhelmed too, but it seems easier to bounce back when your expectations are appropriate and realistic.

Saying “Transwoman are Women” misses the point.

Honestly, the whole Trans Women Are Women mantra misses the point I think. Women are 2nd class citizens, so I’d rather we just stop massively bullying and marginalizing femininity? If I’m a feminine man to others, I don’t really care. I’d just like the abuse to stop when I choose to do typically feminine things. And I want that for our boys too. I don’t use a male bathroom because I don’t want to be assaulted.

I remember a story of Louis Armstrong, a black musician, where he was adopted by a Jewish family and they gave him love that he never had felt before. I feel like that with the cis-female community. I am not really one of them, but they have given me love and acceptance, so that’s why I transition. My time with the male community was filled with constant alienation and abuse.

I transitioned to be able to breathe and emote how I wanted to emote. It was an imperfect decision that has had its own set of dangers and abuses. It’s definitely hugely complicated and reducing it to commandments and slogans simplifies it way too much. Ultimately, I would MUCH rather live in a society where I could have grown up and been celebrated even if I never transitioned. Things are just so bad in our society that it was transition or suicide.

These are my thoughts today. End Gender Apartheid. We’ll still have a separation between the two because sex hormones create different perspectives, but some people need to be able to cross the line to the other side if they want to. Tear down the walls and let us be.

Christianity has to go, now. Islam needs to go, now. The future is here, it’s air, and it doesn’t give a shit about the old “rules.”

I was raised in a Baptist household, and my father was the minister of our church in northern California. My whole, adult life I’ve sought to make peace with this religion that never had a place for me as a doubting, queer, artistic transwoman. Recently, I’ve received that closure that I’ve been seeking, and now I know that Christianity must go. It had its time and place in a world that was marred with constant warring and fighting. Jesus sought to bring peace to the world. Buddha sought to get people to detach from their possessions. It worked.

This might sound absurd, but I know that God has moved on too. We have moved into a new age, and our old angels and devils no longer apply. The new angels are humanistic, queer, creative, experimental, and global. The new devils are mindless, blind-faith, groupthink, pity-party, co-dependent, and needy puritans. God doesn’t care if you sleep around. Rock stars are on their way to being an actual star (read: going to heaven). Drugs are great as long as you know your limits and exercise boundaries. Psychedelics can save your soul.

The great Piscean faiths (Christianity, Islam, and Buddhism) are dangerous at this point. Buddhism seems to be interested in keeping up with the times. But the first two want to go back to the middle ages. And for good reason! That was when that water spirit, mystical shit was at a peak. We think of the dark ages as this woeful period, but it was probably just super chill. However, the dark side of that super chill must be removed, and removed fast.

I come from a long line of American Baptists. My 9th great-grandfather came over in 1631 and was quickly rejected by the bootlicking Puritans in Salem for being “erroneous, heretical and obstinate.” Basically, he was into his friend and pastor Roger Williams who hated the Church of England, believed in the separation of church and state, believed that land had to be purchased from the native locals, and was an abolitionist in the 17th century. So I guess progressivism runs in the family.

Coincidentally, my last name translates as Aquarius in Latin. The US is where the Aquarian age is going to begin because we are the newest kid on the block. Every other locale is tied to belief systems that are thousands of years old.

God has spoken to me, and he said that I am saved. I have committed almost every cardinal sin. I’m transgender. I’ve gotten breast implants. I’m vain and self-promoting. I use beyond questionable language, all the time. I’ve slept around, a lot. It doesn’t matter anymore. God wants us to serve humanity as a whole. He doesn’t want us criticizing what others do in their own homes. Mistakes are fine. Atheist Humanists are great! Be original. Change often. Doggedly pursue truth. Help the weak among us if you can. Pursue scientific truth. Doubt God, but pursue divinity.

The Aquarian Age is now serving. It’s so obvious. Everything is becoming secular and humanistic because this is our next step up the ladder. Just dump the toxic Christianity or toxic Islam, and you’ll be fine. If you are a Buddhist, realize that moksha doesn’t come from sitting on your ass anymore. Active meditations are required. Get with the AIR!

Thoughts on the Cult of White Supremacy in the United States

The Cult of White Supremacy in the US
My realization that I was what society calls transgender was really a self-rediscovery. People like to say that things about ourselves can be hidden or buried, but often, they can be right in front of our noses, and we just get very, very good at self-denial and self-delusion because the acknowledgment of the thing is too painful or scary.

I discovered that I was born a feminine boy and then around age 5, I learned to be something that I was not, and it slowly killed me until my 30s when I gave up the false notion of myself. My mind was blown by the fact that I had completely forgotten something about myself out of fear of being ostracized.

Now, as I ponder the American problem, I see something right in front of my face that I now can’t unsee. White America tends to tell fairy tales about how happy and fulfilled they are, but if you are sensitive enough, you can see behind the masks of the average American to see how contrived and false this happy facade really is.

In cults, there is a strong tendency in the members to project a vision of perfection. I once read Kate Bornstein’s biography about being a member of the Scientology Sea Org as a repressed transwoman, and she said that everyone always let everyone else know how perfect and happy they were because anything less would be a personal failure. When a cult has stripped you of all of your other attachments in life, humans find themselves lying to not lose favor with the only attachment they have left, the cult itself.

I see this in American white culture. It’s true that some brown people have been integrated into the white power structure, but caucasian and Christian people are the primary administrators of American culture and standards of behavior to this day. And whiteness appears to be a cult.

Most white people are obsessed with projecting an image of perfect self-satisfaction and competence. But this is a passively aggressive lie meant to denigrate whomever you are talking to. White culture is the cult of dominating others. When your God is money and power, showering another person with all of your “successes” is a dominating act of aggression. The fact that no member of this cult wants to admit is that these “successes” are arbitrarily chosen. They work very hard creating models and theories to “prove” that the values of the cult of white supremacy are necessary and essential. When someone totally ignores these values and lives their life in a way counter to these values, a strong feeling of resentment builds up in the white cult member.

Now, for example, when a black man or woman doesn’t do this contrived activity of smiling and projecting utterly saccharine chipperness, they are labeled as angry. This is because the white cult member is threatened by this lack of participation. The black person is subliminally saying to the white cult member, in the cult member’s head, that the cult member is full of shit. Just by having a neutral facial expression, the black person is a threat to the white cult member. Denial needs to be fed constantly to overcome the everpresent thing trying to be denied, and anyone who challenges the basic tenets of the cult of white supremacy needs to either be silenced or explained away as insane.

What do you think?

Future Furor

The communications revolution which started in the 20th century and accelerated in the 21st is now consuming all past available knowledge, and we are experiencing the past snap back into the future. It’s like a slinky that is stretched back through time, but our technology is drawing all of the past into the future.

The dawn of the Information Age (what astrologers call the Aquarian Age) is the snapping forward of history into the present. Because we have access to a superintelligent artificial intelligence (AI) called Google that can give us the esoteric on the level of the exoteric.

The blending of the esoteric and the exoteric has been traumatic because formerly excluded groups like the disabled, queer, dark-skinned, and others now are able to influence the exoteric network with much greater efficiency.

In the past, distributing one’s thoughts to the general narrative was very expensive in terms of time and money, but now, it costs almost nothing. Communication has been commodified. It is almost free.

So, change is coming fast, and it will only get faster. I would suggest a hang-on, it’s gonna get rough, kind of mentality right now. Get over the small shit. Don’t follow cults (political and spiritual). It’s way easier to be nothing than to be something. But you can do both. Have balance on this Equinox.

May your relationships be blessed with balance this Autumn.

Transgender and Gender Atypical People Deserve the Simple Right to be Themselves

I knew that I was different from the boys around me when I was eight years old, and because of this difference, my childhood was filled with tremendous amounts of alienation and secrecy, as I tried mightily to be someone that I was not on the inside. This story is not atypical, and because of this shared struggle, many transgender people are victims of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), depression, anxiety, and have one of the highest suicide attempt rates of any minority group at levels between 40% to 55% according to a recent in-depth inquiry into transgender peoples’ lives (Haas, Herman, & Rodgers, 2013).

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual version 5 (DSM-5), transgender people who are not yet being treated for their condition are suffering from Gender Dysphoria. Gender Dysphoria is defined as individuals “having a marked incongruence between the gender they have been assigned to (usually at birth, referred to as natal gender) and their experienced/expressed gender” (American Psychiatric Association, 2013). There are many different expressions of this condition from individuals who were born with a sexual anomaly such as intersexuality to those who merely enjoy acting in accord with the opposite gender’s norms but lack the desire for treatment.

Those that are distressed by their condition to the point of desiring to live full-time as the opposite gender may seek treatment via various means. They might require the use of cross-sexual hormones (testosterone for those assigned female at birth and estrogen for those assigned male at birth). Also, various surgeries are available to assist in these individuals achieving a body that more closely matches their inner perception of gender. When transgender people who wish to transition are treated for their condition, they no longer qualify for a gender dysphoria condition. Whereas the older versions of the DSM labeled transgender people as possessing Gender Identity Disorder (GID) for life, the newer manual sees gender dysphoria as a treatable and therefore suppressible condition.

This topic is highly controversial, and there are numerous opinions and positions related to transgender people. Often, these opinions come from non-transgender people. I can say that my inner life has grown immeasurably better since I transitioned 8 years ago. I have a sense of peace about myself that I never had when I was living as a man. Also, I know that the transgender people that I’ve met on my journey tend to be some of the most authentic and strong people that I know. Hopefully, with continued advocacy, we transgender people can attain the simple status of just being normal people who are allowed to be themselves from birth.

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Arlington, VA: Author.

Haas, A. P., Ph.D., Rodgers, P. L., Ph.D., & Herman, J. L., Ph.D. (2014). Suicide Attempts among Transgender and Gender Non-Conforming Adults. The Williams Institute.

The Broken Record of Human Rights Violations in Modern Society

Jewish people were oppressed for centuries, kept from education and wealth through laws which forbade their integration into society. Then when they were given rights equal to white society in the 19th century, white people slandered them all as gross, ignorant, lustful, and unable to keep up with the power holders of the society.
 
Black people in the United States were enslaved and oppressed for centuries, kept from education and wealth through laws which forbade their integration into society. Then when they were given rights equal to white society, white people slandered them all as gross, ignorant, lustful, and unable to keep up with the power holders of the society.
 
Gay people were oppressed for centuries, kept from education and wealth through laws which forbade their integration into society. Then when they were given rights equal to straight society, straight people slandered them all as gross, ignorant, lustful, and unable to keep up with the power holders of the society.
 
Trans people were oppressed for centuries, kept from education and wealth through laws which forbade their integration into society. Then when they were given rights equal to cis society, cis people slandered them all as gross, ignorant, lustful, and unable to keep up with the power holders of the society.
 
The dominant group in our societies seems to always continually trip up small minorities of people and then exclaim “why do you have all of those bruises?! You must be subhuman!” Is the problem outright deception or an incredibly short memory? Or do the powerful elite need someone to point to as they hide all of their Scrooge McDuck gold out of sight? I would wager on a combination of the three.

My struggle as a beat up and sick trans woman with few answers in America. I just want to learn something better

I carry so much weight. I pay child support for two children I haven’t seen in six years. It takes up half of my meager salary. I have PTSD from years of alienation. I have social anxiety and sensitivity to noises that can be debilitating. I am transgender, and, well, I have to be a woman in America. I have debt. I have fibromyalgia and fatigue that stab me all day long with weird pains in my neck and back. I have pain in my heart so deep that I lock it up so no one can see it because I’m terrified that if I show my hurt and vulnerability I won’t be able to just keep crawling forward. I’m terrified that if I open my heart, I will fall apart. If I feel, I will fall and never get up. I can’t do this on my own, and I can’t just dump it on other people too. I don’t know how to manage my life. I stagger around in life in a repeating cycle of trying to be this strong woman so this system will give me scraps. I use drugs, alcohol, and medications to propel myself forward in a stupor, carefully managing a cadre of pills upon pills that works for a while and then ultimately ends in total defeat.

I’m afraid to share. Inside I hate my vulnerability. It is the enemy. I hate it in others too because of this. I go to war against myself, and scream at myself inside to get it together or else. I tried killing myself, and death terrified me even more than living. I want to succeed. I want to live. I want to be open. But I don’t know how. My muscles and soul is tired. How do you live when you’ve been whipped and are still whipped daily? I alternate between hating that system and realizing that I’m just internalizing the system’s poison by doing so. The balance is so tight.

I know I’ve done good things with my life, but I’m tired. I’m most likely going to go back into residential treatment because I just don’t know how I’m going to manage my life. If I get a new job am I going to be able to do that without slowly collapsing from the weight? I know I have to succeed and survive. But I’m terrified of being fooled by my brain into more toxic behavior patterns. Depression upon anxiety upon pain upon manipulation upon fear upon doubt upon loss.

I made the decision seven years ago to be more honest with my gender, and that helped, but I’m very poor at certain things. I’ll last for a while and then explode. It was exactly two years ago that I decided to go into residential treatment the last time, and here I am again. Oh well, if that’s what I have to do, then that’s what I have to do. I’m not really super good at sharing my feelings. I’m good at talking, and I usually just talk over my feelings. But insightful people see through that.

I have fear and pain so deep that I’m locked up. So I just leech off of loved ones until they grow resentful. I have to escape this cycle, but right now I don’t know how I can do it. Right now, all I know is that I’m hurting people around me and hurting myself. Addiction is a scourge. I don’t even want to admit I’m an addict because I fear that everyone will run away screaming. How do I do this? I suppose just by getting through today.

The Parable of the Exploded Volcano

I struggle a lot with negative self-perception. My life has kind of exploded repeatedly due to my own fiery nature. But to put it more honestly, it was self-protection that created the problem in the first place. I had to live in fear because I didn’t want to get murdered or completely rejected from society. It sounds over the top, but growing up with a strange gender is still pretty much like living under Jim Crow. I’m not a huge fan of comparing states of suffering, but it was a pretty heavy existence. There is a singular difference between racial and gender issues though. You can’t hide skin color, but you can hide gender, and I hid it mightily. I used the magical power of repression®! Stuff it down inside!

But in psychology it’s the opposite of physics: what goes down must come up, and I blew up like Mt. Saint Helens, all of my repressed shit since about the age of 5 rained down on those around me. It was like holding my breath for two decades, and I was literally about to die from it. I really didn’t know how to process being an exploded volcano. A good number of people thought I must be insane and just waited for me to put the top back on the caldera and apologize. But as you can guess that didn’t happen.

Being an exploded volcano has its benefits: you get to see inside yourself more clearly. When you see all of the things you ran away from and suppressed spewing out all around you, as long as you don’t go totally insane, you can learn a lot about yourself. I feel more self-aware than the average person. This isn’t to say I’m alone in this respect. I’ve surrounded myself with more self-aware people in recent years. My exploded volcano peer group.

Now I’m mightily just trying to heal. I know where I need to go. I’ve found a deep power within myself that I couldn’t ignore. The thing that I was trying to suppress all those years just happens to be my divine feminine nature. I used my overactive mind to heap mounds of obfuscating dirt on top of those pesky feminine emotions and intuitions, but the mind is not as powerful as it professes to be at killing the heart. And really I’m no different than everyone born male; all people including all men have a divine feminine sensitivity. They are taught to bury it deeply when young, and some of them keep it buried, while slowly turning into a sad shell of a person. But every now and again that volcano starts to rumble, and they’re filled with an amorphous fear that they don’t really understand but that petrifies them.

Life is more complicated and less complicated since my eruption. I had to relearn a ton of different things from a heart-centered perspective, and now I’m more visible to the haters, so I had to get used to that. But I know now that fear is the real enemy. And I know now that I am enough, blown up bits and all. I can take a deep breath and rest in the goddess knowing that I’m not fighting it anymore.

Happy exploding friends. 🌞

Identity Politics in the Real World

I have a very complicated perspective on identity politics. As a queer and transgender person, I am constantly surrounded by intense debates that center on buzzwords like privilege, race, and intersectionality. I came out as trans six years ago into the tumbler of Tumblr style politics, and I picked up the flag of radical identity politics like a good liberal and ran with it. I spent thousands of hours writing outrageous polemic after polemic that snarled at the white, male oppressor because I was, unsurprisingly, very damaged by said oppressor. I grew up being bullied by 99% male peers starting before I really had any idea what gay, queer, trans, or any of those concepts meant. I just knew I was the target. This instilled a deep resentment in me that I’m still to this day (I’m 37) trying to dig out from under and probably will be until I pass.

However, resentment is not all roses and candyland. As Mark Twain once quipped “anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” I became a festering pit of toxic resentment, which was really just a hyper-defensive state of extreme paranoia. I became increasingly suicidal until after years of living on the edge of death, I finally woke up and realized that this line of thinking was doing far more damage to me than to the “enemy.”

It’s not as simple and binary as saying that “now I’m better because I realize that identity politics is terrible!” Our system pits us against each other like terrified Pit Bulls in a dog-fighting pit with screaming Plutocrats on the sidelines urging us to bloody our fellow citizens. By the time you wake up to the fact that the other dog across from you is not the real enemy, you have become hyper sensitized to react to those dogs because they do pose an existential threat. In my estimation, this is how we are controlled from the aristocracy, and it doesn’t have to be a conscious top down phenomenon. The rich know that when people are too busy fighting with people who should be their allies, they are too distracted and damaged to band together to effect real, substantive change.

Honestly, I believe that one of the core reasons for this nascent tribalism is that our intellectuals eschewed grand unifying theories a century or two ago and devolved into Balkanized camps where each group’s minutia was equally important to the others. We lack an intellectual cohesion and vision, or this kind of vision is kept from becoming ascendant. I’m not really sure what the cause is, but yeah, I don’t know a lot of things. I’ve found more grand unifying theories in esoteric writers like Aleister Crowley and Robert Anton Wilson among others than from the official ivory towers wherein I started my search. I studied Economics and Philosophy in university, and then I realized that there was little novel creative thinking going on in those institutions. But I suppose I’m a bit of an esotericist by nature, so I needed something more avant-garde anyway.

I have seen the best queer minds of my generation destroyed by the pursuit of that elusive victim status that is going to take all of their problems away. But life is rough. Everybody has pain, even your so-called enemies of privilege. Even though I have been decimated by injustice, I now know that trying to victimize myself is a trap that I don’t want to go back into. But it’s a balance. It’s not as reductive as we’d like. Middle path, middle pillar, golden mean…

Be well fellow pitbulls.