Tag: meditation

My ten-year psychedelic journey up the mountain towards God has finally come to an end, and I’m right back at the bottom where I started

Ten years ago I began using the dissociative drug DXM on a semi-regular basis as a means of controlling my fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome. It was helpful in lowering my fatigue and pain level. But soon it started to draw me into a deeper world of my subconscious and unconscious self, challenging my perceptions of what is real and what is possible. I posted on here back in 2017, I believe, about how DXM changed my being.

However, recently, I have received the message that I have “graduated” from that world, and I need to stay on Earth from now on, and leave certain drugs behind, lest I become totally insane. I generally refer to the voice or logos in my head as my conscience. I think that is the closest term that describes what I experience outside of the word daimon or communicator.

Over the last ten years, I have developed a method of psychedelic aided active imagination similar to Carl Jung’s or Rudolf Steiner’s approach, but utilizing dissociative tools like DXM, Ketamine, or high dose THC extract. After years of working with my imagination, I grew to develop relationships with entities and beings in that realm. I developed a language of images, phrases, and songs that allowed me to discern what was being communicated. My conscience would use these repeat phrases or images to communicate some meaning. This technique was also combined with zen meditation, daoist internal alchemy, creative play, divination, group ritual, sigil creation, live performance, and many other techniques of spiritual development.

As an aside, I want to assert that although I tend to refer to the entities I encountered as other than myself, they themselves said they prefer to be called the unconscious rather than God. But this term is interchangeable generally with God or divinity. However, I can accept if they are only within myself OR they are in some sort of collective unconscious that includes other people. I tend towards the latter, but it does not really matter to me. They exist within my consciousness, as all of my experience technically does. I’ve never experienced anything that was not my brain’s representation of something “outside” of myself, so the preference our society displays for “external” or “objective” reality is mostly just bias in my opinion.

So anyway, I have been working with this realm for a decade or so. I developed a new form of energy manipulation whereby I am able to draw energy up from the earth, to propel myself upward. It is difficult to communicate this energetic technique because it is part “real” in that I can feel my body vibrating with energy when I “turn off the jets” so to speak. However, I think that it propels my astral body to a higher plane somehow. All I know is that I have been doing this technique for about 8 years, and from my experience, it seems to have been a key part of my “climbing” the mountain, as I like to put it.

Some part of my journey over the last decade can be described as learning to trust my unconscious/subconscious/dream self. At first, I was roundly terrified of the things that it was telling me. They were so severe and unflinching that I was afraid and tried to run from them. However, I was continually drawn back into this world as if I needed to complete some task. Others have definitely looked at me as if I was partially insane. Just read the comments on the first link I posted lol.

How my bleak life encouraged my spiritual seeking

Part of the explanation for why I was so fixated on the “inner world” was because I was so maligned, alone, and stressed by the bleak nature of my life. Ten years ago, I realized that I was transgender and needed to allow myself to express myself using my natural, expressive, and feminine modes of expression. Finally, I let down after trying to be this male thing that I always felt like I was faking. It was a relief. However, as I found relief, others, including my ex-wife reacted in horror and went to war against me to keep my children from even knowing I exist. They have been successful. Using money and stigma, they destroyed my life and spirit by keeping my beautiful children from me by slandering me as dangerous and “crazy.”

I had to walk alone because rejection jumped out from every corner. I learned to depend on divinity because that was the only reliable thing in my life. And, I was raised in a very religious, evangelical household, and I wanted closure on what to think of Christianity after being so rejected by its modern incarnation. I developed PTSD from the court proceedings and my transition in general. My life spiraled into despair and self-destruction. The suicidal urges that had been with me most of my adult life began to gain more and more prominence in my psyche. I attempted to kill myself multiple times. Eventually, I became homeless and alone, plagued with a really insane chronic disease, rejected by society for coming out as transgender, and totally impoverished with a long absence in my work record. I continued to use DXM because at that point, I had no other means of controlling my chronic fatigue and pain, even though it tipped me into hypomania many times. And I was also trying to escape into that dream world, away from this world of pain and rejection.

I attempted suicide for the last time in January of 2016, but as I neared death, 250 toxic pills in my stomach, slowly shutting down my body, I wrote a suicide note, angrily castigating America and those who had persecuted me. I read the note back to myself, and with death creeping, and the darkness growing, I had an awakening. In a snap, I realized that my suicide note was so childish and angry, and I realized I was not as enlightened or “spiritual” as I thought I was. And I called for an ambulance and recovered after a long hospital stay.

After the hospital, I got into a residential treatment program, in part, because of Obamacare’s Medicaid expansion. And I was able to take four months to get my wits back, stop taking DXM and alcohol, and work on getting a job again. Honestly, when I got into treatment, I “knew” that I was fixed and the suicidal thoughts were gone. I felt a strange new presence in my heart, and I then started to have new abilities related to my active imagination technique. I stopped using DXM for 9 months and meditated daily, studying numerous techniques for consciousness change. I did find work, and I have been working full time ever since. I have also completed a Master’s degree in Mental Health Counseling since then.

Back to the psychonaut part of the story

Eventually, I started to use DXM again, but soon I started to realize that I was becoming allergic to the drug somehow. I don’t know what I’m allergic to or if my body was just like “enough,” but I had to stop using it daily in 2017. However, because I used so many dissociative psychedelics, my relationship with THC changed forever. Now, when I smoked weed, the high became very introverted and psychedelic. I learned that THC dabs were now more psychedelic than DXM or Ketamine. I shifted to using THC as a primary means of active imagining. And I continued to visit that world in search of something. I suppose I was searching for God. And eventually, I found it.

Over the last year, my trips have become extremely positive and also very intense. I have been informed that I have achieved whatever it is I was there to achieve. I regularly encountered deities such as Jupiter, Saturn, Amun, Yahweh/Abba, and more. I was told that when I die, I will not die and will go to their realm. I have seen my future body being created. I was told that I am anointed by God. I was told that my chief deity is the God of Abraham because he is my ancestral deity. I met a personification of this deity in the form of a large, old, middle eastern looking man with a good sense of humor. I REALLY did not think I would come back to my childhood religion in the psychedelic realm, but now I see that it is beautiful because I have learned that He is growing with us, changing, and adapting. He is the same deity of the Christian/Muslim era or the Jewish era, but now he is different. He now says that his wife is coequal to him. They have told me that the trinity is now Father, Mother, and Child. The child being humanity or the individual adept. The “godmother” is a wonderful, warm, nurturing grandmother that brings me to tears when I think about her. I fully understand that these are personifications and simplifications of these deities, but I am unsure if humans can experience any other form of a deity than a simplified version.

A “graduation” or an end to the transition

But meeting these deities happened to be the end of my journey. Just last week, I was told that I was officially “graduated” from that realm and needed to get to work in this earthly realm, building a new way of being. I was almost forcefully kicked off the mountain because I had become attached to that world and was still in some way craving their acknowledgment and abdicating my own responsibility in search of a savior. I see now how I cannot be with them because I have too many attachments in my life. In reality, the life I live now has to have these attachments. Just surviving in modern America with a chronic illness requires so much attention to detail. American and Western lives in general are dominated by attachments to thousands of required systems, constructs, peoples, histories, and rules. I was deeply saddened that I would not be able to long for that world in the same way anymore, but I understand now how I was asking them to do for me what I needed to do for myself. For a while, I was worried that I had made some mistake and was being judged, but these fears were unfounded. They did tell me that individuals can “ascend” to that realm without dying a natural death, but that they needed to be able to fully detach from this world while still being able to support and protect their bodies, which rarely happens, they assured me.

However, right before this “graduation” of sorts, I began a few new medications that are revolutionizing my life, helping me to move beyond being controlled by my disability. Also, in order to progress the final steps of the “mountain” I had to cut ties with some very difficult to sever relationships in my life that had become toxic. They encouraged me to stand up for myself and rebuke the people who had sold me out and abandoned me. They encouraged me to stop using alcohol and nicotine, which I gave up earlier this year. They encouraged me to switch careers to a helping field like counseling. With each last step in the process of that world, I became a fully new person in my “real” life. I can see now that the inner journey I was on was really just trying to get me to fully own my existence, one step at a time. Now, I am a fundamentally different person than I was ten years ago. I am strong, self-confident, creative, feminine, and open. I still have work to do, but I feel whole in body, mind, and soul.

What does it all mean?

Is this inner world real? Do actions there affect the physical world around me? Maybe? I don’t know. I do know that I still have many of the helpers and voices of that world in my consciousness who will often remind me to do things the right way and who will give me encouragement. I also know that when I was told in a final ritual that if I stayed in that world I would go insane, I felt a huge amount of energy come back to me that was “invested” in that world. It was like I was chained to that world somehow, and the chain was unlocked and given back to me. I feel much more grounded and able to move forward. I feel integrated. I am healed and ready to focus on the external, with my foray into the dream world of DXM, Ketamine, DMT, and other substances fading into the past. But my extensive journals and memories will stay with me forever. And I am kind of glad for the madness of it to be over, to be honest.

I have used a THC dab since then, and the voice was kind, but told me “THC makes you way too introverted, and we need you to be extroverted now.” And I understand. I see that now. I see how I was in some part afraid of the external world, so I languished in the ethereal within. Now, I am ready to move forward, peaceful, happy, and grounded. I still have fears, as we all do. But I generally have the courage to move through the fear in spite of its warnings. I am awake in the middle of a pandemic and cold civil war, and I am OK. I trust in myself and my ability to persevere. I am not worried so much about perfection or purity at this point. I think those are outdated spiritual concepts. I experimented and explored. I made many “mistakes,” but I kept going. Committing to this journey was a tremendous investment with very large opportunity costs. I had to spend so much time meditating, researching, tripping, divining, and more. Most of this was solitary but I also worked with groups as well. I see it as a process of restoring my soul.

However, I do not view this as a path for everyone. We all come from a rich ancestral heritage. My heritage is European and Christian, although I don’t call myself a Christian now. But I was raised in this tradition, and I believe that matters. Find your own path. Seek your own higher powers. But I found an end to the psychonaut rainbow, and I feel as though I am an astronaut who has successfully landed back on Earth when this is definitely not guaranteed. Many get lost in space. Many crash down to Earth. If you are not a monk in a monastery or supported by others, you will likely be too attached to spend too long in those exalted states, which is fine. But with psychedelics, there is some bold new path available that I fully believe is the new spiritual paradigm unfolding right now. I did not know where I was going, but due to the loving grace of my unconscious divinity, I am back on terra firma, metaphorically.

Blessings to you on your journey and transition to where you need to be, in the dark world and the light world too.

A New Method of Internal Flying Meditation

I have developed a new method of active meditation. I will not reveal all of the details yet, but I have been able to soar above the Earth on the astral plane utilizing this method. Last night I further refined this method and reached the furthest extent of this new ability. I was able to channel this enormous energy into a jet-like propulsion system. I have been practicing it for 8 years, and I am assured that this is a large piece of how we will escape from the simulation (samsara) in the new age. The primary mode of moksha or liberation is no longer seated meditation. This meditation approach is nonetheless helpful and a necessary piece in our spiritual evolution, but just as the Buddha rejected the extreme asceticism and self-flagellation of his age, I reject pure seated meditation practice and call for a new Air based approach.

I am unsure if I can fully teach this meditation approach. I have never read about it in all of my years of study. So at present, I believe it to be unique. Although there are likely other practitioners besides myself. But I know that it is real, because I can feel the enormous energy pulsing through my body. I can direct it at will. With the fire of Leo, fueled by the air of Aquarius, I fly, I fly.

Surviving Fibromyalgia: How I’ve dealt with this overwhelming disease

Fibromyalgia is a disease that causes severe yet mysterious symptoms and effects 3-6% of the world population. It is as serious as Multiple Sclerosis (MS) or any other autoimmune disease. However, no lab test has been developed for its detection at present. Someone who has this disease is not just being lazy or cranky or hysterical. Also, it affects women predominantly which makes it easier to write off by the largely male medical establishment. It has disabled me since I was 21, but I am a survivor.

To adapt to this frustrating reality, I’ve had to learn boundaries for myself. People have called me selfish, for example, for getting the extra amount of sleep that I need, but I know that if I don’t get that sleep, I will be a mental zombie and in serious pain. It has been excruciatingly hard to hear loved ones complain that I didn’t care about them because of the limitations of my fibromyalgia. Yes, there are other things that contribute to my fatigue. It’s not all because of the fibromyalgia. But quite a lot of the time it is. Here are the symptoms I’ve lived with for 20 years:

  1. Widespread muscle and joint pain that doesn’t respond to painkillers and feels like electric shocks shooting through my body
  2. Poor circulation and numb feet and hands
  3. Unrefreshing sleep (sleeping for 8 hours and waking up feeling like you slept an hour)
  4. Insomnia
  5. Chronic fatigue and weakness
  6. Confusion and memory loss
  7. Prostatitis and chronic UTIs
  8. Depression and anxiety (full body anxiety if that makes sense to anyone)
  9. Total energy breakdown after major stressors, needing to sleep for days to catch up
  10. Digestive problems
  11. Poor wound healing
  12. And more!

When I got the disease at 21, I knew that I felt strange, but I didn’t really look different, and my tests were all “normal.” So they told me it was just allergies and that I should see a therapist. I remember hearing loved ones reject my complaints as nonsense. If I was diagnosed with MS at 21, I would have been showered with assistance. Instead, I had to walk alone through the desert, trying to feel better and dealing with my inability to keep up with others through Herculean efforts. Then, when I was 30, I found a good treatment for my condition, Dextromethorphan, which is the primary ingredient in cough medicine. It is now being studied for fibromyalgia as an effective treatment, but at the time it wasn’t. So when loved ones found out that I was using cough medicine, they treated me like a junkie and ostracized me. I was also denied Social Security disability payments because they said I was a cough medicine addict. I had no other treatments at the time, and so I used what I could find to survive. It was medicine.

Now, I know without a doubt that I have fibromyalgia, not because of a fancy lab test but because I have found treatments that eliminate 80% of my symptoms. I know what it’s like to live mostly without the disorder after suffering with it for 20 years. I’ve had to find these treatments outside of the medical establishment, but thanks to my gods, guides, and real friends, I’ve been able to forge a path to health.

I still have really bad days, like today because of an avalanche of stressors that have overwhelmed me. But I know that I can at least survive. I have 20 years of debt and baggage that I have to drag behind me, because when I had no answers, I had to go into debt to survive by purchasing countless alternative treatments out of pocket. And on top of this, fibromyalgia definitely contributed to my losing court battle for visitation with my kids because being attacked for being transgender in court led to full body breakdowns. I can’t deal with stress like the average person. My whole being breaks down. And yet, here I am, a survivor.

There is no fancy ad campaign or “would you like to donate a dollar to fibromyalgia research?” at the grocery store. We as a tribe have had to find treatments for ourselves. My chief treatments are meditation, low-dose naltrexone, lyrica, exercise, vitamins, herbs, sleep meds, CBD, dextromethorphan, a TENS unit, and self-compassion. I’ve had to learn that surviving is ok. I don’t need to be whatever “success” society is telling me I have to be. I’m pretty proud of myself for just surviving to this point with this condition, let alone my being born transgender and bisexual which complicates this to another level entirely.

If someone tells you they have fibromyalgia, listen to them, because it is an important admission. If someone said that they had cancer, you would give them your open attention, so I urge you to do that with this condition. We need help. We are suffering. Some of us have found a patchwork of solutions to get a modicum of peace and stability. But others haven’t.

Because we are not able to withstand the thousands of daily stressors in modern mechanical/industrial society, we often have internalized shame because we cannot contribute to the collective productivity as much as our fellow citizens. But, I have had to accept that sometimes, I’m going to let my boss down; I’m going to have to call in sick more than the average person; and I’m going to have to listen to the voice in my head that says “fuck them, you need to rest!” There is such a feeling of alienation in modern America when you are viewed as someone who is not being a proper slave to the machine. Most people wouldn’t state it that way, but when you’re on the bottom, certain realities of modern society become glaringly obvious.

If you have this disease, be strong, keep fighting, and don’t close yourself off to love. It can be overwhelming. It can be frightening. It can be awful. It can fill you with rage and resentment. You might look at others and be jealous of the health they take for granted, but I don’t think this will help. I’ve been there. It hurts. This is hard. But peace is a wonderful medication, and it requires letting go of resentment. I try to do that every day. People give me shit for things I can’t control, and I get back up and keep going and don’t forget to laugh and smile.

As Martin Luther King Jr. famously said: “If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”

Keep going. In surviving this disease, you can learn lessons about existence that others can’t. I’ve learned acceptance. And now I know how to love.

Breaking up with fear

“If you can empty your mind of all thoughts
your heart will embrace the tranquility of peace.”

Laozi

If you understand the limits of your mind, you will be free. Your mind is devious and always trying to prove how great it is, but knowledge from the mind has deep limitations. Laozi understood that all judgments are just paired opposites describing one whole monism. When you say that this post is boring, you only know that it is boring in relation to something in your head that is exciting. The mind is forever hobbled by binary thinking, and the sooner you realize that your mind is just a blowhard troll that won’t leave you alone, the sooner you can stop listening to it. And when you stop listening to it (by meditating for example), it will slowly start to leave you alone. We let our minds torment us because we take its missives so seriously.

Make no mistake, I understand that the mind is powerful, but it is limited by its nature. The heart, however, is unlimited. What is the heart? I don’t really know, but I know that in my chest, there burns a fire that I call God or Goddess or Elohim. There are a lot of things about my internal self that I can’t put into words, but that’s just a limitation of language and therefore the mind. Just because I can’t communicate something doesn’t make it unreal.

One of the most repeated lines in the Judeo-Christian Bible is to have no fear and yet fear is ubiquitous in modern society. We understand intuitively that fear is dangerous and yet we remain chained to it because we believe that fear is necessary. But can we act in our self-interest without fear? The mind and fear are conjoined twins that will never be separated. We must put value on the heart and body and move it away from the mind if we want to have peace.

Put your mind in its place. Stop listening to its directives. You will be fine. Don’t just trust me on this, try it for yourself. Sit down and do nothing. At first, your mind will throw everything its got at you to get you to do something. But if you just sit and do nothing, it will slowly give up. This will take time. It will not happen overnight. Ultimately, to defeat fear, we must have perseverance. This is a journey that will last a lifetime. But you might have peace where terror once dwelled.

I was highly doubtful of this kind of thinking years ago, but divorcing my self from the directives of my mind helped me to break up from fear. I’m not perfect, but I’m a lot less anxious than I used to be, and that is some damn good medicine.