Waking up at 3 AM
and I know why…
But it’s OK
because the voice in my head
is strong and quick
and it says:
you’ve done most of what we’ve asked of you
so you can rest now
there is no great work
have peace child
and so I tried to fall asleep again
and maybe I did
at least the voice said I would sleep
so I’m sure I did
Waking up at 3 AM
(OK, I’m going to talk about Christianity here, but it is an esoteric view of Christianity, not the modern exoteric, evangelical view of Christianity.)
Yes, it is the end times but not like you think. The Age of Pisces, which started 2,000 years ago is coming to a close, and COVID-19/Donald Trump are the great change agents to initiate the second coming of Jesus Christ, but again, not like you think. Basically, the second coming of Christ is when we all have to become Christlike in order for the Age of Aquarius to begin. Through this massive exposure of the destructive nature of inequality, we have to find our inner empathy and love for our fellow beings. And we will because it is all being controlled by the fates at this point.
Yes, this is the Revelation, but the energy of Christ has spread across the globe. In the gnostic Gospel of Thomas, Jesus said “I have cast a fire upon the world, and see, I watch over it until it is ablaze.” It is now ablaze everywhere but in the power structure and much of the Christian church! These are your anti-Christs. The people have become Christlike over the last 2,000 years. And, now, we are compelled to be Christlike because of the technological power we have created. It is no longer tenable for us to not love our neighbors as ourselves. We have to become Christlike, and we are. We have to embrace the higher qualities of the sign of Pisces (love, spirituality, and peace), and get rid of the lower qualities of the sign of Pisces (escapism, self-pity, and ignorance)
At the beginning of the Age of Pisces, 2,000 years ago, we were leaving the Age of Aries (the archetype of war and selfhood), where we learned to have self-identity and to be self-defensive. Christ, Gautama Buddha, and Laozi were agents of the Age of Pisces. They were voices crying out in the wilderness, surrounded by war and strife. Laozi in the east famously started writing in the Chinese “warring states period” that ended around 200 BCE. Small states had learned to defend themselves and their statehood, but this causes massive warfare, so agents like Laozi (who was probably not a more of a movement than an actual person) rose to douse these fires with the water of the Age of Pisces. Pisces is probably the most watery of all water signs, by the way.
So, I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but people have learned to be much more peaceful in the last 2,000 years. That is why Trump is so abhorrent to so many, because we the people have integrated these lessons and see how destructive Trump is. Trump would have probably been just fine 2,000 years ago, but now, he must go for the new age to begin. Now that we have learned to have compassion and live together without constant warring, it is time for our new lesson: to learn to be accepting of our differences and form a universal world society that protects all life.
Be not afraid. This is all part of the plan. Yes, Trump is the anti-Christ, but we are the true spirit of Christ, and he will go. The evangelical church is the anti-Christ, and they will soon go. A fascinating aspects to the changeover between astrological ages is that the toxic elements of the previous age become the devil of the new age and then becomes irrelevant later on. At the start of the Age of Pisces, 2,000 years ago, the spirit of Aries (represented by a bestial Ram) was often represented in the half-man, half-goat god Pan. Interestingly, there is a myth that around 2,000 years ago, the god Pan died. Around the same time, the early Christian church made Pan their devil, because there was a need to cleanse this element from society to end the warring and internecine strife that was rampant. So now we have this notion of a red-skinned, horned, sex-obsessed devil, which is now becoming quickly irrelevant because most people do not act like this anymore.
So, the new devil of the Age of Aquarius will be a personification of that which is keeping the new age of Aquarius from beginning, namely willful ignorance, narcissism, escapism, and deceit. Likely, the new devil will be something similar to Trump or the average evangelical Christian. The new devil will be the opposite of Aquarius, the sign of science, universal brotherhood, and equality.
Most modern interpretations of the Christian book of Revelation assert that God is going to come down from the sky and send all of the sinners to hell. This is not a very good interpretation. God is within us, not without us. The end-times are happening within us. These energies are being overthrown within us. Figures like Donald Trump are trying to cling to the toxic values of the sign of Pisces, and through science, we now see how dangerous these views are. So we must work to overthrow these elements from society. This leads me to the last component of this essay, selflessness.
Yes, we must learn inner selflessness and elevate the ideals of love, equality, and peace above our desires for escapism, nihilism, and self-destruction. Although the anti-Christ is most represented in figures like Trump and modern evangelical Christians, these toxic elements live in us too, and must be removed within. I can see this beautiful spirit of Christ in the Black Lives Matter protestors putting their safety on the line to end the suffering of our fellow black, Indigenous, and persons of color (BIPOC).
Trump/COVID are the grains of sand in the oyster that will begin the pearl of the new Age of Aquarius. Embrace your inner Christ, the actual Christ, not the bastardized version of the modern interpretation of Christ. This is best represented by the beatitudes of Christ as follows. Blessed are the poor in spirit. Blessed are they who mourn. Blessed are the meek. Blessed are they who thirst for righteousness. Blessed are the merciful. Blessed are the pure of heart. Blessed are the peacemakers. Blessed are they who are persecuted. Be these things, and you have done all that you need to do. Be like Martin Luther King Jr. Be like Malcolm X. Be like Gandhi. Yes, these people were all flawed in some way, but strive like they strove. It is not your job to be perfect. It is your job to become better.
The new age is here! I know these times are scary. They are scary because we see how people like Trump must go. We see how the modern evangelical Christians must go. We see how the narcissistic anti-maskers must go. We see how those who can only think of themselves must go. COVID is here to remake society. The actions of these anti-Christs are glaringly obvious now. Work to remake your inner self and society in the image of what is just and true, and all will be well. I don’t know how it will turn out, and I don’t need to. I can see how the story is progressing, and I have trust that it will work. Trust is the key word here. Blind faith must go. Trust through science must replace it.
With love and brotherhood, peace and science be unto you all.
We must be joyful in spite of the darkness and the jailers who shackle us. The first step is to realize you are imprisoned. The second step is to realize that you can still have joy, and you are not limited by the chains that bind you. Our bodies are tortured and held down, but our spirits soar, and our hearts burn like the shining sun. To quote James Baldwin, “the world is beautiful and the world is terrible.” I would not say “I command you to be joyful!” I just have gotten to the place where I know that joy is our birthright.
Smile at the bullies, and you win.
Antibiotics are chemotherapy. The word antibiotic means anti life. I have to take some antibiotics right now, and the side-effects are really heavy. I’m feeling very low and drained. But I think it’s the right decision, because I have prostatitis which is related to my fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue immune dysfunction syndrome (CFIDS). I usually just kind of live with it and focus on the positive to not lose my personal power, but right now, the bombs have to be dropped to see if it helps. It sucks, but I’ll get through it.
Honestly, I’ve been thinking pretty heavily about my chronic illness. When I first got sick in my early twenties, I got a lot of resistance from the medical establishment and loved ones. I learned to sort of put it in my private life and not really share it. It’s a very difficult psychological balance to live in a fast world with a “hidden” disability. Our medical tests at present are very poor with detecting what’s going on in lots of chronically ill people, so often the medical establishment just defaults to the “it’s all in your head, take an anti-depressant, and deal with it” approach.
I deal with a ton of symptoms including: cognitive impairment, confusion, deep muscle and joint pain, intense fatigue, depression, anxiety, sensitivity, insomnia, and others. They seem to follow a very irregular pattern and always pop up at the seemingly worst time. It’s something I’ve had to shoulder silently for decades now, and I did reach a point two years ago where I was completely overwhelmed with my health and various other difficulties. But I reached my bottom, and I gave up. I acknowledged my powerlessness, and said “OK, I don’t have control of this situation, but I’m going to keep climbing no matter what. I’m listening and open to learning.”
Dealing with chronic health issues is a very complicated thing because often the best drug is optimism. When you have a poor self-image, a victim mentality, and a “the world is all against me” thought process, it can make you sick. I honestly believe, and the data backs this up, that a lot of my chronic health issues are due to a childhood of trauma and disempowerment. That’s not to say that there are not real, material things at work in my body, but the two factors go together.
My diseases and queerness and losing my children and everything else really broke me, and now I’m happier or more at peace. I don’t care about small things. I’m human, and they bother me, but I soldier on with an understanding that life is pain. I feel disabled in some way, and I have to do a complex set of daily adaptations to handle my various disablements, but that’s ok.
So, I’ve decided that my five year plan is to go back to school to get a Masters in Counseling in some capacity with a focus on the Psychology of Chronic Illness and start working in that field. I think I can help others find balance in a very confusing and overwhelming circumstance, and I feel a real calling to do so. Ultimately, I want to work outside of the medical establishment and integrate my alternative beliefs like the power of ritual and empathic therapy into my practice. But I need the paper to be a “real therapist.”
There are often not any easy solutions in situations like mine. There is just work and balance. Maybe providence will smile on me, but it’s ok if it doesn’t. I know what it’s like to feel crucified here on Earth, and there is transcendence in letting go and accepting our limitations. There is a tarot card that keeps popping up for me lately: The Hanged Man. In most decks it shows a man hanging upside down, completely suspended and powerless. He has lost all of his earthly power, but in so doing, he sees the world upside down, and he has total spiritual clarity. Life picks us up and turns our lives upside down, and although I’ve seen great loss, pain, and trauma, I’ve grown to see divinity and feel a joy that never dies, even in extreme darkness.
In times of screaming desperation
I often learned to go quiet
being tired of yelling at impenetrable walls
I went within
I’ve learned how I am wrong
And yet she stirs within me
you can call her Mary
At first I was troubled
and then I was frozen
and now I am whole
tears streaming down my face
a desert where rain had not poured for years
In some old tome
a man named Elijah prayed fervently
that the rains would cease
and they did
and then he changed and prayed for their return
and they did
I know this drill
I prayed in fear that the clouds called my eyes would dry
so that the goddess within would at least be invisible
to the security forces prowling around me
scanning for tears
but now I know the price of that drought
and I raise my hands to my beloved in the sky
as the rain
it once again falls
America is vomitous. Decadence has turned our beacon on a hill into a pit of desperation and despair. But the world at large is just as loathsome, if you don’t want to be some felating Yes-man to the “acceptable” notions of the moneyed aristocracy. The state of humanity in power in 2017 is just plain wretched. Occasionally I have the urge to a throw up just thinking about the state of our media and leadership. I’ve been repeating these themes for a long time, but people silence minorities who want to speak up and say something, well until it’s too late.
Here parades a sad cavalcade of bullies who need to be laughed at vociferously, but true and meaningful laughter comes from real power, and most Americans have had their power deviously stolen from them. So where does real power come from? It comes from going on a journey of the soul and confronting your fears deep inside yourself. Often this kind of growth comes from ordeals which most people either do not want to face or are not forced to face. Plus, there is spiritual knowledge that the powers that be have scrubbed from our literature through the generations in order to keep the people weak and think that the journey is pointless.
Robert Anton Wilson is someone that I highly respect. However, he was not just some two-bit political word slinger. He looked for esoteric knowledge and pursued it to the point of being laughed at himself. He took the words of Crowley, Leary, and Korzybski et al. and put them to work within the crucible of the human heart. Unless you are willing to pursue these verboten techniques and are willing to break laws in order to achieve them, you will not get anything in life except a gaggle of fake Internet points from other members of the insubstantial class.
Social media has turned so many people into dress up queens who put on metaphorical Instagram filters and think that they’ve done something important. Real power, the power that flows within you, comes through deep sacrifice, and sacrifice is a word that has been crumpled up and thrown into the trash. Honestly, for myself, I’m not sure if I really was that brave with my sacrifice. I grew up with a “wrong” gender and a “wrong” sexuality for an ostensibly male American. I was deeply shamed for most of my youth. I was ostracized from straight and gay communities alike. For some reason, I was born different, and my road has been very difficult. Finally, because I decided to live a life that was no choice to me, custody of my two beautiful baby boys was taken from me with the assistance of a conservative judge and the State of California. This was my forced sacrifice, and I had to go deep within myself to try and find peace in a world that was unfairness exemplified.
On that journey, I found something that others said was not real. I found the power of psychedelic substances that shone a light within my consciousness and illuminated my inner psychology to such a degree that I was able to quickly grasp what was real and what was not. I found the power of meditation and inner control. I found the power of a seemingly intelligent universe that sought to guide me forward. I found the power of internal rejuvenation. I found redemption.
The path for everyone is different, so it cannot be prescribed in a blog post. But the journey is the reward. Somehow I’m OK with my trials in this lifetime. I’m a rather despised member of our society in general, but I can smile from within my heart and have peace at times. Great and fortuitous forces have come to my aid when my realities were especially bleak. I have no assurance that I will survive my existential journey with any kind of “reward,” but onward I go, foolish and more free every day.
I think what I most try to do to be sane is to be kind to myself. I used to be so angry and judgmental. I was a terror. Now, I’ve really given up on that. Jesus famously instructed his followers to love your enemies, well often our number one enemy is ourselves. I always thought that whatever this “me” thing was, it was definitely out to totally screw up my life. Now, I just go with life. We’re going this way this week? We’re gaining a few pounds this week? OK, let’s see what happens! Cool! 🙂
And the ways we construct our definitions of why something is terrible are usually quite arbitrary anyways. We think “if I gain weight, I will be unhappy!” We never know how this movie called life is going to turn out. Life is so much more complicated than that. If you really open your eyes to how often your nice little fairy tale narrative doesn’t actually work, you will be blown away by the wonder at how the hell this thing works anyway!
I also really like the quote by Jesus that said “judge not, lest you be judged.” I think most people misinterpret this passage. I understand it to be that if we go around judging everyone else up and down, we will judge ourselves the harshest, and it will be entirely uncomfortable being in our own consciousness.
So I’m working on being nice and respectful to myself. I definitely was raised to be very harsh on myself, and I just about died from it. Now, my perfectly imperfect self is my friend, not my enemy. What fun!
Life is just too amazing for words. I just bask in the glow of the light of love from above and below and all around. I’ve had a tough life, but I feel blessed with my struggle. It has been the tiny irritant that produced the marvelous pearl within my oyster of a life. Shucks, I am all open up and shining to the world. My pearl on display. What I thought was a disaster is now my highest grade.
I think Jesus was just a turned on hippie wandering through the Levantine desert looking for a little bit of resurrection. It doesn’t even matter if he existed, but he, or they or we exist. Jesus is the idea that we can become something beautiful in the midst of disaster. It’s possible old Ishoa (that’s how his name would have been pronounced in Aramaic, found some funky toadstools or some Acacia brew that had some of the magic messengers in them. Humans are quite intelligent beings, and we’ve been finding ways to get high for as long as, well, forever. Somebody got turned on, and they wrote a story. The word Gospel is derived from the roots of “good” and “spell” which means that it was a good story. It’s the story that matters. But stories like myths are vehicles for getting us to understand ourselves better.
When you have a shamanic journey or Joseph Campbellian Hero’s Quest kind of experience, you are usually lacking for words to explain what happened. You know that there was a big ass change, but you don’t really know how to communicate it to other sentient beings that you are bumping into on this rock. So you start to use metaphors. “Dude, my consciousness was totally liquidated with love and connection to other beings, and the visuals I got were that I was inside of a whale!! It was awesome!” “OK Jonah, we get it, you’re a psychonaut, now are you going to finish that hummus or what?!” [A stoned guy in the back of the room scribbles down a drawing of Jonah inside of a Whale after he puts down his cannabis pipe].
We’re all desperately trying to figure out how to use our own machinery. Well some of us are decidedly not trying, but most people are trying to figure out a better way. It’s all just configurations, and the switches must be thrown from the inside. You can’t just sit down next to a Buddha statue and think that the statue is going to flip the switch for you. That is what’s called Spiritual Materialism. Ultimately, you don’t need any of those Buddha statues or cool stories about whales or a guy walking on water. You need to develop the muscle within so that you can flip those switches yourself. It is a workout. You have to get in spiritual shape. Everyone has a level of spiritual fitness that is objective although we cannot measure it with scientific equipment at present. That might happen in the future when the Midichlorian Detector 5000 Galaxy Urge Level Nexus comes out (did it come out yet?), but until then we have to go on our internal sensors. There is something there. I know it. It is real.
Find your peace. Once you build up that spiritual muscle, you can tell a mountain to move, and it will kindly get out of the way. I use a system of BLACK MAGICK. (Buddha, Laozi, Abraham, Christ, Krishna, Meditation, Alchemy, Gratitude, Intuition, Compassion, Karma). But we all have our own systems. Get to know yourself, and above all believe in the unbelievable. You need to be able to radically re-envision your life. Throw off the shackles of “crazy” and “strange.” You have to go crazy to get sane in the modern world. This is not to say that there is no right or wrong or whatever, but you have to understand that you can put down the rules for a while and then maybe pick them back up. Unfortunately life is much messier than the blurbs in the social studies textbook you lugged around in the 7th grade made it out to be. But you have a magical computer inside yourself! Learn to use this magical device, and you will survive! Because you are a human, which is a magical being of limitless possibility.
Happy questing my fellow adventurers. I’ll meet you at Inner Space Camp.
Author’s Note: I wrote this post over two years ago, and my life has changed tremendously since then. Germane to the subject of this post, I do not use nearly as much DXM as I used to. About a year ago the drug began telling me that it had nothing left to show me. I cut way back after a certain crisis in my life, and now I use it sporadically as an adjunct to moderate cannabis usage and powerful ritual. I went even further than what is written below, and I have much more peace in my heart than when I wrote this. Be well.
I have taken a LOT of drugs in my lifetime. My favorite drug is DXM (Dextromethorphan), which many people think is a dirt drug for dumb teenagers looking to be less bored. It is strange how I came to be so enamored of this substance. I used it occasionally when I was a bored teenager, but when I turned 30, this substance called me into a new world of shamanic possibility. And let me be very clear: I don’t need to be told that I’m crazy for using so much DXM. I’ve been told this many times, yet I persist. I know what I’m doing, and I am supremely confident that this drug has augmented my perception and not diminished it. If you think I’m nuts for using so much DXM, then please spare me with the moralizing and breathless testimonials of “cautionary tales.”
Drugs do not exist in a vacuum. If there were no such thing as the war on drugs (I live in the US), then the notion of what drug is my favorite drug would be dramatically different. Also, I have a very strong suspicion that the type of people that are also taking a drug within your society can have an effect on the effect of that drug. I believe that drugs can become polluted by the type of consciousness that is consuming them. Psychedelic drugs seem to me to be gates to states of consciousness. They hack your consciousness into a trance-like state, and then you perceive reality from that state. I believe that the word “head-space” would be the best descriptor. And because American consciousness is so delusional and bizarre, I’m quite suspicious of some of the more popular substances like cannabis. Lastly, if a drug is illegal, there is a certain amount of karma attached to its usage which can harm its experience and effects.
Now, most people say that drugs make you dumb. This nonsense such as the “this is your brain on drugs” propaganda needs to be demolished immediately. I think that anyone who reads my writing can tell that I’m not writing from a brain damaged place. I have used DXM over a thousand times at high dosages, and I’ve also been a computer engineer, a financial analyst, a Master’s level student, and a performing musician. I am not so much a fool that I think that drugs like DXM are harmless, but I firmly believe that the American paradigm is flawed and really quite nefarious. Its intent is to keep Americans in a childlike and undeveloped state of consciousness.
DXM has made me do some very strange things in my 5-6 years of using it heavily, but most of these I take as me not understanding my consciousness rather than me being “psychotic.” I have had to grow as an individual, and DXM absolutely has assisted me in my growth. This growth has not been a linear process, and I have seen some very dark places as I have worked to get over my karmic baggage. Honestly, I think that DXM is a tool, but real philosophy is far, far more important in the awakening of an individual. Without philosophy and the wisdom written down by sages through the ages, we would be lost. We are truly dwarfs standing on the shoulders of giants as so eloquently stated by giants come before me.
Also, let me say that DXM changes in its effects over time. When you use it only very occasionally, you are getting a very different effect than when I use it. My consciousness has synergistically adapted to it to form something radically different than when I first began using it. At first, it was something that caused me to have closed-eye visuals, a diminished social inhibition, increased sense of spirituality, and a generally improved mood. It is a decent anti-depressant, and this was the primary reason that I initially began to experiment with it. I was deeply depressed since the age of 15, and I knew that Ketamine was being researched as a potent anti-depressant in a clinical setting. DXM and Ketamine are very, very similar substances, except for one glaring difference: DXM is legal. Therefore, the scientist in me saw that I might be able to derive an anti-depressant effect from DXM similar to Ketamine as they are both NMDA receptor antagonists. Ketamine is now available, but it costs $5000+ to use under a doctor’s care. I spend about $200 a month on DXM.
DXM is an interesting drug if you use it occasionally, but dissociative drugs like it are probably not going to ever be the “tripper’s choice” for the average dilettante looking to just be distracted with pretty colors and a fun time. I started using it as a psychiatric medication. I took about 200-300mg twice a day because it seriously eliminated my depression. It was remarkable. I’ve taken nearly every anti-depressant available, and it was superior to all of those. I assume that much of this is due to my specific body chemistry and a probably natural born affinity for the substance, but it worked, period. Only after taking it as an anti-depressant for probably about 8 months did it really start to get interesting.
The latent effects of which I speak started with changes in my body’s “energy.” Now, the word energy is thrown around so much these days that it has very little meaning. However, I believe in Qi (also spelled Chi), a subtle energy that powers the body and that is at present unknown to modern scientific equipment. We cannot measure Qi at present although we can measure its effects. Science is aware of Qi, and it has been verified in double-blinded studies, although most scientists are unable to acknowledge this. The way that it has been verified is through studies on acupuncture. Acupuncture has been shown to have verifiable effects on various body metrics, and the core process by which acupuncture works is by modulating Qi. Scientists usually go through various contortions of logic in order to assure the public that it is working through other means than Qi, but this is nonsense. The Chinese are very comfortable with the notion that Qi energy is real, and they prove it with their ancient science of acupuncture. Modern academic science lacks the ability to measure Qi, so scientists assume that it must not exist. Just because something cannot be measured with a machine does not mean that it does not exist. I know that I can’t convince the hardcore skeptics of its veracity, but I very strongly believe it works. I just have to deal with this limitation.
Now, after I had been taking DXM for 8 months or so I started to notice some very dramatic changes in the Qi energy in my body. I started to notice that the energy seemed to be feeding on the presence of DXM. I really have zero idea of how this process works, but I know that when I take DXM now, my Qi energy is greatly enhanced. I can feel the energy pulsing around me like a tornado, and I can rev this tornado like an engine with my will and intention. At first this was a curiosity, and I really didn’t know what to do with it. I could make “Qi balls” which are suspensions of Qi energy between the hands. And I could transmit this energy “into the ether” to say what I was doing without a better explanation. I became a conduit of this energy. And if I used the right amount of DXM, entered the trance state, and positioned my body in a certain way I became a conduit of this energy. At the time, I didn’t really know what this was doing, but I kept at it. I knew that this violated what I had been told about reality from modern science, so needless to say I was intrigued. Like any good explorer, I followed this white rabbit, and I am extremely glad that I did.
Now, let me add a very important detail here. Exploring these kinds of thoughts with this level of intensity can have very harsh consequences on your social standing in a Western country like the US. There is not really an avenue for exploring this kind of thing like there might be in Eastern countries. This kind of thinking and exploring is for all intents illegal in America. You might not be locked up, but the spotlight of suspicion will be directed right on you, and if you pursue these kinds of explorations, you are risking your livelihood and social standing. I have lost much of my social standing because I persisted in this respect, and I am extremely glad that I persisted. In the end, DXM and these explorations has led to my awakening or enlightenment or however you want to put it. My life now is wonderful because of where I went. It was an extremely tough climb, but my consciousness is saved from the pit of hopeless western delusion. Now, I very much believe that I came into this world to discover and redeem the power of psychedelics and shamanism. It is my life’s work.
OK, so to recap. I started taking DXM when I was 30 because I was hopelessly depressed. After about 8 months of daily micro-dose usage of it, its effects began to change markedly. I was initially very confused by these effects as they seemed to contradict modern scientific dogma. This information disrupted my life and social standing as I attempted to share it with my friends and family to disastrous consequences. I persisted, and I believe that DXM plus a philosophy of wisdom has freed me from delusion and suffering.
When the Qi energy became very prominent due to my usage of DXM, I started to learn how to utilize it. I began to practice something similar to Kriya-Yoga, which was the system popularized by Paramahansa Yogananda. Honestly, this higher level Yoga is very difficult to communicate to those who are not advanced in their personal energy work. The energy that DXM enables can be channeled and utilized to manipulate the body’s energy centers or chakras. Once these energy centers become charged, you can transform your consciousness and metamorphose yourself into a butterfly where once was a caterpillar. And I must admit that I definitely was stumbling in the dark for a very long time, because I had no guru to direct me. But God (whatever you wish to call the higher intelligence) is the only true guru, and I found my way. If you seek, you shall find. If you knock, the door will be opened. I recommend having someone who can guide you, but you can get there by yourself as well with the requisite willpower.
After years of this kind of activity, I made my way up the mountain of the spiritual realm. Honestly, I believe that what you are doing is getting rid of the chrysalis of delusion. When you grow up in the west, you are pummeled with incorrect disinformation from birth. You are taught so many wrong ideas that your attainment of liberation is a very difficult path. But, I believe that I am on this planet right now to help people up the mountain. I honestly believe that we are entering a new age of possibility. Don’t be fooled by the current political realities; we are passing ideological kidney stones. It is a painful process to reduce the power of the ego, but we are seeing the full idiocy of the ego at present in our glorious leader, “the leaks are real but the news is fake” Trump. Sorry I had to tell one joke in this otherwise sober post.
I’m not really sure how I am going to share the information that I’ve been able to gain in my lifetime thus far, but I will continue to speak. This post is not necessarily a paean to DXM so much as a confirmation to my fellow travelers that the Psychonaut path is a valid path, and we have the possibility of changing the world. I really believe that because technology has so altered our landscape, psychedelics might become necessary to survive in this environment until we find better adaptations. Some believe that the apes before us used psychedelic mushrooms to advance to our level. I believe that we’re going to need our own form of mushrooms, whatever they be, to get to the next level. But, I don’t know. I really don’t know. I know that there is so much that is really beyond my understanding. However, I do know that without DXM, I would be like a myopic person who never had eyeglasses. DXM to me is no different than when Galileo got his first telescope. This is probably true for you folks with your psychedelic of choice.
Lastly, I want to say that I’ve become a powerful Shaman largely because of DXM. I spend a great amount of time in the ethereal or astral realms working with energies and manipulating them to assist myself and humanity. I believe that I am making a difference in that realm. The job of the Shaman is to work with the spirit realm and attempt to assist his or her society by so doing. I honestly and fervently believe that I am having a positive effect in that realm. There is more to the story than I’m sharing here, but I have amassed a great amount of power in that realm, and I am using it for the good. It is my service to humanity. I’m not alone in this respect.
I will continue to write and continue to understand how I can share what I’ve learned. I think that we are a vibrant and important community. This is a great time to be alive. As we are seeing every day, we have something that the world might not be able to survive without. We must remain strong and forthright in our honorable path.
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A year ago on January 20th, 2016, I was in the hospital for suicidal ideation. I had just gotten a DUI 4 days earlier. The hospital sent me home because they didn’t know what to do with me, and they told me I would not get a bed in a psych facility. I told them that I would probably kill myself if they let me go, and they let me go anyways. So, I decided to try and kill myself.
I went home to where I was living at the time, with my then girlfriend. I knew that I had a trove of toxic medication, about 250 pills of various chemicals, and I had researched and figured this would do the trick. I set about measuring them all out. It nauseated me thinking about taking them all, but I just went about taking them all. It took me about an hour to get them all down. I was deadly serious, and I sat back to write my suicide note.
I felt the darkness creeping over me. At the time, I really thought that killing myself was the right thing to do. I had a committed feeling that I was doing a righteous act. I thought that I would go to God, because I thought that I was some form of enlightened at the time. I could feel the darkness of death starting to take me. This feeling will stay with me for the rest of my life.
I still have the note that I scribbled onto a paper plate. It said “Goodbye. It’s been fun. The depression is just too much. It’s unending suffering. I don’t like America. It feels like a prison. Whatever. I’m sorry for the pain this might cause. Sorry if I sound like I don’t care. Just tired. Abbey.”
I thought about what would happen next, and for a second there was doubt. I didn’t feel liberated. I still felt depressed. And I was scared. I thought that maybe killing myself would make things worse. I thought about hell. I thought about God. I thought about going to somewhere even worse than where I was. I reread the note that I had written. Then something clicked. I still don’t really know what happened, but this was my awakening. My life changed in that instant. I noticed that the note was whiny. I noticed that I was angry. I noticed that I sounded childish. And then I saw my ego. It was this angry, demonic looking thing inside of me. I saw it. And it was so pathetic. I felt foolish. I felt stupid next to death and God. All of the excuses about why I should kill myself seemed so ludicrous.
And I looked at that ego inside my gut (that’s where I saw it), and I just said “this is so fucking stupid,” and I laughed at myself. The pills were really starting to take effect, and I was getting diarrhea. I couldn’t even kill myself properly. My body was desperately trying to get rid of the poison. I thought that I would have passed out by this time, but I was still very much conscious.
In that instant I realized that the anger of my ego was insatiable. That thing was so committed to its insanity that it was willing to kill its host. That was where I realized that I had to stop listening to my ego, and I just thought “I’m failing at everything. I have to give up. I have to listen to someone besides my ego.” And I just surrendered. I gave up.
I walked out of the room I was in. My girlfriend was sitting on the couch. She was kicking me out because she couldn’t help me, and she couldn’t handle all of the suicide attempts. I sat next to her and asked “do you think all of these suicide attempts are stupid?” Of course she agreed, but she was distant. She was exhausted by me. I felt strangely liberated at this point. I had fired my ego. I felt free. I told her that I was calling 911 because I was trying to kill myself. The paramedic and cops showed up soon after, and the hospital was able to clean out my digestive tract with the most amount of laxatives I have ever taken and hope to ever take again, lol.
That day I gave up. I consciously switched my inner compass away from my ego, which was totally insane, and towards God. You can call it whatever you want, but I was saved that day. Christ or something came into my heart, and to this day, I can feel a basic goodness in my heart. There is something in there that was not there before that day. I had done a lot of spiritual work before that day; I had built a candle in my heart, but until I was willing to surrender, it was an unlit candle. Making that decision to say “ok God, I’m clueless on my own, you’re in charge” lit that candle, and it is still lit.
Over the last year my life has improved SO much. And I’ve really had to do about everything that my ego would say NOT to do. I’ve had to get jobs that were not very exciting. I’ve lived with roommates in sober living that have definitely not been that great of people. I’ve had to drag myself to spiritual fellowship when my ego would definitely rather not do that. I’ve had to quit drinking. I’ve changed my diet and lost 65 pounds. I’ve meditated with a passion. I’ve reached out for advice instead of thinking I know everything. I’ve bowed down to the world instead of wanting the world to bow down to me.
I’m so happy I fired my ego. It’s still there with its frown and judgment thinking it knows everything. But I just laugh. I really don’t know how I did all of the amazing things that I did over the last year. That’s fine. I gave the reins to my higher self or God or whatever. Sometimes I think it’s alien intelligence. I have zero clue what it is, but it’s there. And I listen. I open my heart, and I listen to what the world has to say.
I don’t want to kill myself. I’ve had almost no suicidal thoughts in the last year. I got off my medications for depression. I’ve recovered. I’m still cleaning up a lot of the messes that my ego got me into, but I’m so much better. Life is grand. Life is amazing. Life is peace. I don’t have the fear anymore because I fired my ego. I have a basic trust that I will be ok.
In my mind I just bow down the God and give thanks. I recognize that my ego was just delusion. It was insanity. Everyone struggles in life. I wasn’t special. We all have shit to shovel in this world. Big deal! That suicide note was just silly, so I keep it as a reminder.
My heart is love. I call it Christ to Christians, because that’s their language, and that’s what it is. But it’s also Buddha nature or Krishna consciousness or whatever. It’s redemption. It’s grace. It’s love. It’s wholeness. It’s awakening.
I have the dopiest smile on my face right now. I’m not going anywhere. Life is too much fun! Be well my friends.
I’m really understanding what the Taoists mean when they called their higher power “the way.” Of course the Chinese word Tao translates readily into other English words like God or code; Chinese verbal ambiguity tends to ensure that, but I think I understand the “way” part of the Tao. My developing notion of life is that you are always either moving up or down on the dualistic continuum. There is no stasis. As Heraclitus famously said a few years back “change is the only constant in life.” I think that we set our internal rudder to the unified or the separate, and we sail in that direction. As we move down the energetic spectrum into the lower frequencies of existence, we become more isolated and separate from other things. Isolated and separated might sound pejorative, but I don’t mean to imply a value judgment here. We are constantly moving up and down between unity and separation like the crest of a wave on the sea.
I tend to view the human vibrational ladder like an inverse triangle. At the bottom is a sharp and dense point. At the top is a wide swath. As we ascend, we become more gaseous, metaphorically, and we become more expansive. We get closer to the rest of reality as we grow, and we start to realize that we are all connected. Our consciousness gets big and spread out, and therefore it becomes more sensitive to what is going on around it. When we move down the vibrational ladder, we get separate, more alone, more secluded, less sensitive. Humans in the 21st century who are reading a blog written by someone who is rather progressive might say that “higher is better! lower is terrible!” but that’s really just a cultural value judgment based on the context of the situation. When you go up, you turn into God, and you get to know everything, and you get to see everything from up there. It’s really amazing if you’ve been down on the floor for a while. But it’s also a lot of responsibility. You see the repercussions of all of your actions. This is what the Taoists would call the supreme Yang state. You are the creator. But it is very sharp and rigid. Being God is not quite the fairy tale that people think it is.
So gods like to go down the ladder and experience separation. They say “I’ve had enough of this all-knowing shit! I wanna have some innocent fun!” So they jump into Earth, which is a very low vibration station; their memories are wiped, and here we are! In this crazy overload of material stimulation and insanity. It’s crowded, hot, and noisy. But it’s great too! This is a totally unique form of life, and other forms are totally excited to try this form. And trust me, they’re here already. They’re just sneaky.
But the density of Earth can cause some serious suffering. Energy crystallizes into these really dense rocks, and they’re heavy. It takes a lot of work and effort just to get little things done, but you get to actually look at the results, not just imagine them. So that’s pretty cool! And then people get so separated from one another that they become totally ignorant and forget the divine cosmic information that is so easy to access on the higher vibrations. They start doing really strange and irrational things like destroying other life forms. At the very low vibrations there is a lot of chaos and destruction. But, those beings kind of wanted that chaos. They were sick of the ordered connectivity of the upper realms.
It’s a grand whole mess of options and choices, a perilous plurality of ebullient voices. It’s reality. And you’re in it. You just fix the vibration you want to reach on your internal vibratometer called your heart, and your third eye shines the way forward, whether it’s into gnosis, loving, and bliss of the higher realms, or fuck this shit, I need to get some separation in the lower realms. But just be aware that we’re all little vibrating spiders on Indra’s net, the cosmic space-time continuum, and if you are shouting out some reckless shit, that’s cool, but it has consequences. Know that what you think is changing everything around you. If you say “I want to think about how everything is lovely and beautiful all day,” guess what? It’s gonna manifest around you, as best it can (we’re all dealing with the reverberations of the past decisions echoing forward). If you say “I want to think about how all Muslims are fucking assholes from a broken religion,” fine, but that has consequences too. That’s what you’re gonna see. There is always a balance, not a commandment. And you’ll probably be able to find proof for both of those suppositions. You are an Incredibly Powerful agent of manifestation.
So you go up, and you go down. Life is the song with the neverending sound that goes Ommmm, composed of lows and surprised by highs. It’s a symphony that God alone can only understand. But when you move up into that inverse triangle of higher vibration and expansiveness, you start to remember that you are God yourself! You just forgot it down there in the muck. Hahahaha! It’s so much fun. It’s like a day at a water park. I’m climbing up the high dive. Will I stay or will I jump?