Tag: poem

Guru, a poem

I feel the love within me
What is it?
Never will I know
How do you blink your eyes?
You just do
How do you love yourself?
You just do

And then the rain
will wash away

Pain is my guru
It has toppled down my walls
I can no longer act
But still I act
Grace is the lightning
and God is the storm

A simple girl
so crossed and vexed
She smiles at the villains
nailed by love
to a holy hex

A Few Words

God gave you a left hand and a right hand. On one side there are things that happen to you and you’re the victim or receptive or yin. On the other side, you are the actor, the thinker, the yang. You can’t reduce it to one. It’s both, well at least both. I’m not that smart enough to know how many hands reality has. But you can’t say that you’re a total victim, and you can’t say that you’re a total egotistical controller. We’re all both in varying degrees. So can we please meet in the center? Can we have a mosh pit of love and understanding. I know that some people are “unrelatable” but people change. I used to be a frothing right winger. I grew up. Let’s all stop being total know-it-alls that are completely convinced that the other side is wrong. Certainty is poison. There is no certainty in a complicated system of oppositional actors. Humility, Please?!
By the way, WTF is wrong with you Donald Trump. I’m talking to you as one of those horrible trannies that you want to cleanse out of the military. (BTW, only we can say tranny. Don’t fucking say it if you’re not a tranny.) Grow the fuck up motherfucker! Simmer down my brother. You’re not fucking Christ. Lord. The amount of intellectual certainty in this budding Aquarian Age is just too much. Yeah, we kind of know things because of science, but science is wrong every day.
OK I feel better. It’s such a fucking disaster. Center. Breath. Ground. Know that you’re a dumb ass ape. Life is work.
I’m drunk, but hey, I can write a few words.

Psychology, a poem

 

The nature of the world
the way it wanders
vexed in sin
is like a serpent
in its den

The cold and injured people
with their fantasies of power
strike back reacting
to every slight
a hundred thousand year war
of toppling dominos
called psychology

There is some myth that in ancient Atlantis
everything was in balance
but one man threw a stone of anger
into the pool of social grace
sending spiteful ripples upon ripples
and all of our world of war
is merely the echo of that attack

How can we rise above?
I suppose someone has to risk death
to reach out and sacrifice
a suicidal crucifixion of the heart
and all its pain
we spread our arms
expecting rain

the only true peace is immaterial
meaning that to have it
you have to let the matter go
Nirvana, the Hindu heavenly state
when translated into English
means “blowing out”
and like the solace of a sigh
when we drop our weapons
we find the highest high

Alchemy, A Poem

You’ve gotta find a thing to serve
cause life takes guts and a little verve
in serving something, you’ll brave the worst
and the gods will send a hopeful curse
to lift you while you’re meekly sitting
knowing all around is crumbling
while swirling feasts of grace start singing
“You’re the fire, life’s the kindling
burn from right within your heart
so that your smile is the highest art”

America the free

America the free
let’s be honest
how much frowning can you do
at your job
before you become
expendable?
 
We were sold on the great machine!
the industrial, the mighty, the give me more dream!
but now we realize what the price was
had to sell your wildness to the doorman
got a lousy hand-stamp and a cheap mug
Am I old enough to drink this?
 
But people do not talk
about the cruel realities of now
they’d rather go on yelling
at least I’m not that other guy!
He’s brown and weird and probably high
this will all blow over in season 2
 
America the free
let’s be honest
we’ve got 64 billion metaphors
and rephrasings of
 
we can’t talk to each other
too old too young
too northern too southern
it’s the hungry something
pacing and cussing
tearing all our holies from us
leaving nothing but our lustings
 
America the free
you get what you pay for

how you go

Sometimes when you’re going, striving
reaching for that just too long flower
there are voices in your head
that whisper different possible deaths
to what you’ve started
how you go
the feeling of this life’s long show

And so you go on knowing
that you’ve already fallen down
but failure is just imprecision
it’s the getting up that knows

When you see it in your heart
where only laughing jeerers taunt
you spread your arms in wise acceptance
and sit to sip of the godly font

A year ago I almost died, then grace came through, and now I’m free. This is the story of my moment of awakening.

A year ago on January 20th, 2016, I was in the hospital for suicidal ideation. I had just gotten a DUI 4 days earlier. The hospital sent me home because they didn’t know what to do with me, and they told me I would not get a bed in a psych facility. I told them that I would probably kill myself if they let me go, and they let me go anyways. So, I decided to try and kill myself.

I went home to where I was living at the time, with my then girlfriend. I knew that I had a trove of toxic medication, about 250 pills of various chemicals, and I had researched and figured this would do the trick. I set about measuring them all out. It nauseated me thinking about taking them all, but I just went about taking them all. It took me about an hour to get them all down. I was deadly serious, and I sat back to write my suicide note.

I felt the darkness creeping over me. At the time, I really thought that killing myself was the right thing to do. I had a committed feeling that I was doing a righteous act. I thought that I would go to God, because I thought that I was some form of enlightened at the time. I could feel the darkness of death starting to take me. This feeling will stay with me for the rest of my life.

I still have the note that I scribbled onto a paper plate. It said “Goodbye. It’s been fun. The depression is just too much. It’s unending suffering. I don’t like America. It feels like a prison. Whatever. I’m sorry for the pain this might cause. Sorry if I sound like I don’t care. Just tired. Abbey.”

I thought about what would happen next, and for a second there was doubt. I didn’t feel liberated. I still felt depressed. And I was scared. I thought that maybe killing myself would make things worse. I thought about hell. I thought about God. I thought about going to somewhere even worse than where I was. I reread the note that I had written. Then something clicked. I still don’t really know what happened, but this was my awakening. My life changed in that instant. I noticed that the note was whiny. I noticed that I was angry. I noticed that I sounded childish. And then I saw my ego. It was this angry, demonic looking thing inside of me. I saw it. And it was so pathetic. I felt foolish. I felt stupid next to death and God. All of the excuses about why I should kill myself seemed so ludicrous.

And I looked at that ego inside my gut (that’s where I saw it), and I just said “this is so fucking stupid,” and I laughed at myself. The pills were really starting to take effect, and I was getting diarrhea. I couldn’t even kill myself properly. My body was desperately trying to get rid of the poison. I thought that I would have passed out by this time, but I was still very much conscious.

In that instant I realized that the anger of my ego was insatiable. That thing was so committed to its insanity that it was willing to kill its host. That was where I realized that I had to stop listening to my ego, and I just thought “I’m failing at everything. I have to give up. I have to listen to someone besides my ego.” And I just surrendered. I gave up.

I walked out of the room I was in. My girlfriend was sitting on the couch. She was kicking me out because she couldn’t help me, and she couldn’t handle all of the suicide attempts. I sat next to her and asked “do you think all of these suicide attempts are stupid?” Of course she agreed, but she was distant. She was exhausted by me. I felt strangely liberated at this point. I had fired my ego. I felt free. I told her that I was calling 911 because I was trying to kill myself. The paramedic and cops showed up soon after, and the hospital was able to clean out my digestive tract with the most amount of laxatives I have ever taken and hope to ever take again, lol.

That day I gave up. I consciously switched my inner compass away from my ego, which was totally insane, and towards God. You can call it whatever you want, but I was saved that day. Christ or something came into my heart, and to this day, I can feel a basic goodness in my heart. There is something in there that was not there before that day. I had done a lot of spiritual work before that day; I had built a candle in my heart, but until I was willing to surrender, it was an unlit candle. Making that decision to say “ok God, I’m clueless on my own, you’re in charge” lit that candle, and it is still lit.

Over the last year my life has improved SO much. And I’ve really had to do about everything that my ego would say NOT to do. I’ve had to get jobs that were not very exciting. I’ve lived with roommates in sober living that have definitely not been that great of people. I’ve had to drag myself to spiritual fellowship when my ego would definitely rather not do that. I’ve had to quit drinking. I’ve changed my diet and lost 65 pounds. I’ve meditated with a passion. I’ve reached out for advice instead of thinking I know everything. I’ve bowed down to the world instead of wanting the world to bow down to me.

I’m so happy I fired my ego. It’s still there with its frown and judgment thinking it knows everything. But I just laugh. I really don’t know how I did all of the amazing things that I did over the last year. That’s fine. I gave the reins to my higher self or God or whatever. Sometimes I think it’s alien intelligence. I have zero clue what it is, but it’s there. And I listen. I open my heart, and I listen to what the world has to say.

I don’t want to kill myself. I’ve had almost no suicidal thoughts in the last year. I got off my medications for depression. I’ve recovered. I’m still cleaning up a lot of the messes that my ego got me into, but I’m so much better. Life is grand. Life is amazing. Life is peace. I don’t have the fear anymore because I fired my ego. I have a basic trust that I will be ok.

In my mind I just bow down the God and give thanks. I recognize that my ego was just delusion. It was insanity. Everyone struggles in life. I wasn’t special. We all have shit to shovel in this world. Big deal! That suicide note was just silly, so I keep it as a reminder.

My heart is love. I call it Christ to Christians, because that’s their language, and that’s what it is. But it’s also Buddha nature or Krishna consciousness or whatever. It’s redemption. It’s grace. It’s love. It’s wholeness. It’s awakening.

I have the dopiest smile on my face right now. I’m not going anywhere. Life is too much fun! Be well my friends.

Can I hear the revolution? shun shun shun

Can I hear the revolution? shun shun shun

Life is good,
it’s all that ya heard
from the minute I got up to the moment I go down
it’s the same sound
the holy ghost’s Twitter Post was the message in my vessel saying
love all the folks that you come round.
Cause we don’t need fear in the new town
It’s the right sound
Let the fire in your eyes expire the sighs of the downtrodden, pushed around, all over cries
we need a revolution
start it with evolution
say to your friend or to your foe it’s OK, let’s go
we’re walking in a winter wonder
what the fuck is going on?
but it’s the same repeating song
It’s the oldest in the book
and the latest refrain
It’s the EL OH VEE EE party patrol
it’s the heart that won’t stop heating your soul
it’s the fire from the higher kept wisdom and gold
that love that God dropped off in your heart
call it what you want, it don’t matter the word
it’s the radiation
from contemplation
sit meditating
with a smile to fuel the new Earth’s creation
so let’s sing

Life is good so let’s make some new
Life is good so let’s make some new
Life is good so let’s make some new

When I came out

When I came out, I looked a normal boy
so just on cue, a most shrewd nurse,
with moves so perfectly rehearsed
leaned to grab a just washed sheet

It was the blue one for the men
cause chromosomes don’t ever lie
And boys are such congratulations
from the man, the patriarchal sky

But noticing not, the ticking bomb
the metronome of truth inside
they gave me my first macho stamp
and sang my manly praises as I left

And then a score and a half elapsed
and in my inner eye I heard a little tap
some girl I knew was winking back
in my ethereal mirror as I gasped

So terror gripped my Adam frame
What message has this Eve relayed?
What freak am I? Has God gone daft?
This gender gander broke my perfect life

But now I know what purpose there
that girl within was sending out
For fate has shown what specimen I am
Through all this hazy stumbling change

Along my path I met an old forgotten sage
This dragon man or maybe woman said
know the male but live in the feminine
become a flowing waterfall to a parched and arid world

The Sword

There are days when I wake up
And oh the atmosphere of civil man
is like an angry stone upon my singing heart
How strange am I that fired with boldness
I went where all the others feared
And finding there a sword
I raised it up like any other silly sunrise
but the people looking shocked did screaming say
“No! Put back that sword! You know what hell is coming now!”
And oddly enough I’ve been to hell
And hell is merely man
The devil did not like my smile
I sang to him; he said “move on…”
So no, I cannot re-sheath the sword
It’s soldered in my hand
and if this makes me dangerous
there in my other hand’s a staff
to steady my worn gait
walking on I’ll bring my peace
to what next stop attends my fate

with joy, with peace, with love, with exuberance
I go

A lustful listless list

What dreams wherein the subtle lies
The things you want to know
The strange, unhinged, and circumspect
The phrases that your mythos never shows
She had but one sensibility
The taming kind of style
The way she ate too fast
The guile with which she harbored her next catch
It was always going to plan
And it’s always going to pieces
And now the summer sentence fades
She’s got the scarcest accolades
It’s all just go go go
let live
dancing in invisible snow
The cards require a bigger show

The New Day is Now

Everything is new. Love is the triumph. The planet is throwing off its ugly old shell. The butterfly is emerging from the chrysalis. It’s wings are spread so wide open. A new day is dawning. Through birth pains there is new life. The butterfly soars into the air! It’s wings whip in fluttering ecstasy! It bounces through the air alive with the spirit of new imagination. And everything around echoes in concordance creating a symphony of exclamatory transcendence! This is the new day! Yes!

It is now.

Because we’ve had about enough of that crap, haven’t we?

Soar!