Tag: psychonaut

My ten-year psychedelic journey up the mountain towards God has finally come to an end, and I’m right back at the bottom where I started

Ten years ago I began using the dissociative drug DXM on a semi-regular basis as a means of controlling my fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome. It was helpful in lowering my fatigue and pain level. But soon it started to draw me into a deeper world of my subconscious and unconscious self, challenging my perceptions of what is real and what is possible. I posted on here back in 2017, I believe, about how DXM changed my being.

However, recently, I have received the message that I have “graduated” from that world, and I need to stay on Earth from now on, and leave certain drugs behind, lest I become totally insane. I generally refer to the voice or logos in my head as my conscience. I think that is the closest term that describes what I experience outside of the word daimon or communicator.

Over the last ten years, I have developed a method of psychedelic aided active imagination similar to Carl Jung’s or Rudolf Steiner’s approach, but utilizing dissociative tools like DXM, Ketamine, or high dose THC extract. After years of working with my imagination, I grew to develop relationships with entities and beings in that realm. I developed a language of images, phrases, and songs that allowed me to discern what was being communicated. My conscience would use these repeat phrases or images to communicate some meaning. This technique was also combined with zen meditation, daoist internal alchemy, creative play, divination, group ritual, sigil creation, live performance, and many other techniques of spiritual development.

As an aside, I want to assert that although I tend to refer to the entities I encountered as other than myself, they themselves said they prefer to be called the unconscious rather than God. But this term is interchangeable generally with God or divinity. However, I can accept if they are only within myself OR they are in some sort of collective unconscious that includes other people. I tend towards the latter, but it does not really matter to me. They exist within my consciousness, as all of my experience technically does. I’ve never experienced anything that was not my brain’s representation of something “outside” of myself, so the preference our society displays for “external” or “objective” reality is mostly just bias in my opinion.

So anyway, I have been working with this realm for a decade or so. I developed a new form of energy manipulation whereby I am able to draw energy up from the earth, to propel myself upward. It is difficult to communicate this energetic technique because it is part “real” in that I can feel my body vibrating with energy when I “turn off the jets” so to speak. However, I think that it propels my astral body to a higher plane somehow. All I know is that I have been doing this technique for about 8 years, and from my experience, it seems to have been a key part of my “climbing” the mountain, as I like to put it.

Some part of my journey over the last decade can be described as learning to trust my unconscious/subconscious/dream self. At first, I was roundly terrified of the things that it was telling me. They were so severe and unflinching that I was afraid and tried to run from them. However, I was continually drawn back into this world as if I needed to complete some task. Others have definitely looked at me as if I was partially insane. Just read the comments on the first link I posted lol.

How my bleak life encouraged my spiritual seeking

Part of the explanation for why I was so fixated on the “inner world” was because I was so maligned, alone, and stressed by the bleak nature of my life. Ten years ago, I realized that I was transgender and needed to allow myself to express myself using my natural, expressive, and feminine modes of expression. Finally, I let down after trying to be this male thing that I always felt like I was faking. It was a relief. However, as I found relief, others, including my ex-wife reacted in horror and went to war against me to keep my children from even knowing I exist. They have been successful. Using money and stigma, they destroyed my life and spirit by keeping my beautiful children from me by slandering me as dangerous and “crazy.”

I had to walk alone because rejection jumped out from every corner. I learned to depend on divinity because that was the only reliable thing in my life. And, I was raised in a very religious, evangelical household, and I wanted closure on what to think of Christianity after being so rejected by its modern incarnation. I developed PTSD from the court proceedings and my transition in general. My life spiraled into despair and self-destruction. The suicidal urges that had been with me most of my adult life began to gain more and more prominence in my psyche. I attempted to kill myself multiple times. Eventually, I became homeless and alone, plagued with a really insane chronic disease, rejected by society for coming out as transgender, and totally impoverished with a long absence in my work record. I continued to use DXM because at that point, I had no other means of controlling my chronic fatigue and pain, even though it tipped me into hypomania many times. And I was also trying to escape into that dream world, away from this world of pain and rejection.

I attempted suicide for the last time in January of 2016, but as I neared death, 250 toxic pills in my stomach, slowly shutting down my body, I wrote a suicide note, angrily castigating America and those who had persecuted me. I read the note back to myself, and with death creeping, and the darkness growing, I had an awakening. In a snap, I realized that my suicide note was so childish and angry, and I realized I was not as enlightened or “spiritual” as I thought I was. And I called for an ambulance and recovered after a long hospital stay.

After the hospital, I got into a residential treatment program, in part, because of Obamacare’s Medicaid expansion. And I was able to take four months to get my wits back, stop taking DXM and alcohol, and work on getting a job again. Honestly, when I got into treatment, I “knew” that I was fixed and the suicidal thoughts were gone. I felt a strange new presence in my heart, and I then started to have new abilities related to my active imagination technique. I stopped using DXM for 9 months and meditated daily, studying numerous techniques for consciousness change. I did find work, and I have been working full time ever since. I have also completed a Master’s degree in Mental Health Counseling since then.

Back to the psychonaut part of the story

Eventually, I started to use DXM again, but soon I started to realize that I was becoming allergic to the drug somehow. I don’t know what I’m allergic to or if my body was just like “enough,” but I had to stop using it daily in 2017. However, because I used so many dissociative psychedelics, my relationship with THC changed forever. Now, when I smoked weed, the high became very introverted and psychedelic. I learned that THC dabs were now more psychedelic than DXM or Ketamine. I shifted to using THC as a primary means of active imagining. And I continued to visit that world in search of something. I suppose I was searching for God. And eventually, I found it.

Over the last year, my trips have become extremely positive and also very intense. I have been informed that I have achieved whatever it is I was there to achieve. I regularly encountered deities such as Jupiter, Saturn, Amun, Yahweh/Abba, and more. I was told that when I die, I will not die and will go to their realm. I have seen my future body being created. I was told that I am anointed by God. I was told that my chief deity is the God of Abraham because he is my ancestral deity. I met a personification of this deity in the form of a large, old, middle eastern looking man with a good sense of humor. I REALLY did not think I would come back to my childhood religion in the psychedelic realm, but now I see that it is beautiful because I have learned that He is growing with us, changing, and adapting. He is the same deity of the Christian/Muslim era or the Jewish era, but now he is different. He now says that his wife is coequal to him. They have told me that the trinity is now Father, Mother, and Child. The child being humanity or the individual adept. The “godmother” is a wonderful, warm, nurturing grandmother that brings me to tears when I think about her. I fully understand that these are personifications and simplifications of these deities, but I am unsure if humans can experience any other form of a deity than a simplified version.

A “graduation” or an end to the transition

But meeting these deities happened to be the end of my journey. Just last week, I was told that I was officially “graduated” from that realm and needed to get to work in this earthly realm, building a new way of being. I was almost forcefully kicked off the mountain because I had become attached to that world and was still in some way craving their acknowledgment and abdicating my own responsibility in search of a savior. I see now how I cannot be with them because I have too many attachments in my life. In reality, the life I live now has to have these attachments. Just surviving in modern America with a chronic illness requires so much attention to detail. American and Western lives in general are dominated by attachments to thousands of required systems, constructs, peoples, histories, and rules. I was deeply saddened that I would not be able to long for that world in the same way anymore, but I understand now how I was asking them to do for me what I needed to do for myself. For a while, I was worried that I had made some mistake and was being judged, but these fears were unfounded. They did tell me that individuals can “ascend” to that realm without dying a natural death, but that they needed to be able to fully detach from this world while still being able to support and protect their bodies, which rarely happens, they assured me.

However, right before this “graduation” of sorts, I began a few new medications that are revolutionizing my life, helping me to move beyond being controlled by my disability. Also, in order to progress the final steps of the “mountain” I had to cut ties with some very difficult to sever relationships in my life that had become toxic. They encouraged me to stand up for myself and rebuke the people who had sold me out and abandoned me. They encouraged me to stop using alcohol and nicotine, which I gave up earlier this year. They encouraged me to switch careers to a helping field like counseling. With each last step in the process of that world, I became a fully new person in my “real” life. I can see now that the inner journey I was on was really just trying to get me to fully own my existence, one step at a time. Now, I am a fundamentally different person than I was ten years ago. I am strong, self-confident, creative, feminine, and open. I still have work to do, but I feel whole in body, mind, and soul.

What does it all mean?

Is this inner world real? Do actions there affect the physical world around me? Maybe? I don’t know. I do know that I still have many of the helpers and voices of that world in my consciousness who will often remind me to do things the right way and who will give me encouragement. I also know that when I was told in a final ritual that if I stayed in that world I would go insane, I felt a huge amount of energy come back to me that was “invested” in that world. It was like I was chained to that world somehow, and the chain was unlocked and given back to me. I feel much more grounded and able to move forward. I feel integrated. I am healed and ready to focus on the external, with my foray into the dream world of DXM, Ketamine, DMT, and other substances fading into the past. But my extensive journals and memories will stay with me forever. And I am kind of glad for the madness of it to be over, to be honest.

I have used a THC dab since then, and the voice was kind, but told me “THC makes you way too introverted, and we need you to be extroverted now.” And I understand. I see that now. I see how I was in some part afraid of the external world, so I languished in the ethereal within. Now, I am ready to move forward, peaceful, happy, and grounded. I still have fears, as we all do. But I generally have the courage to move through the fear in spite of its warnings. I am awake in the middle of a pandemic and cold civil war, and I am OK. I trust in myself and my ability to persevere. I am not worried so much about perfection or purity at this point. I think those are outdated spiritual concepts. I experimented and explored. I made many “mistakes,” but I kept going. Committing to this journey was a tremendous investment with very large opportunity costs. I had to spend so much time meditating, researching, tripping, divining, and more. Most of this was solitary but I also worked with groups as well. I see it as a process of restoring my soul.

However, I do not view this as a path for everyone. We all come from a rich ancestral heritage. My heritage is European and Christian, although I don’t call myself a Christian now. But I was raised in this tradition, and I believe that matters. Find your own path. Seek your own higher powers. But I found an end to the psychonaut rainbow, and I feel as though I am an astronaut who has successfully landed back on Earth when this is definitely not guaranteed. Many get lost in space. Many crash down to Earth. If you are not a monk in a monastery or supported by others, you will likely be too attached to spend too long in those exalted states, which is fine. But with psychedelics, there is some bold new path available that I fully believe is the new spiritual paradigm unfolding right now. I did not know where I was going, but due to the loving grace of my unconscious divinity, I am back on terra firma, metaphorically.

Blessings to you on your journey and transition to where you need to be, in the dark world and the light world too.

Sri Mahatma Terence McKenna Explains It All

I’m basically a scientist without portfolio because no academic institution would ever trust me with a portfolio. But I move in the domain of the gurus, the channelers , the pontificators, and those with secret revealed knowledge from Atlantis and Lemuria, but I have contempt for all of that whether it’s true or not because they got there the wrong way. You know?

You have to come through the rules of evidence and reason. Reason is not science, don’t confuse them. I’m very much a critic of science and the scientific method but I don’t think reason can be tossed out with that bathwater. What is being proposed here is that we are on the brink of the discovery of another world. A world as potentially transforming of our world as the discovery of the western hemisphere transformed European civilization in the fifteen hundreds. But the world that we are about to discover is inside the mind. It’s mental real estate.

We who have made consciousness our game, by building cities, elaborating literatures, tossing up religions and setting armies marching.. we who have made consciousness our game, have barely scratched the surface of human consciousness and it’s not like we haven’t had a crack at it. I mean, these yogans have been over there digging away for millennia, Egyptian religion, Kabbalism, alchemy, western traditions of mysticism, -and I am a connoisseur of all that, don’t get me wrong but what astonishes me is how embryonic it all is.

We are not the tired inheritors of an ancient and sophisticated civilization in its twilight, which is what they are all telling us. We are, the know nothing fresh scrub babes who are the new kids on the block, who haven’t got a clue as to what the human enterprise could really be about! And we are coming now through a very narrow historical neck where the accumulated stupidity of the last 5,000 years is, the dues now have to be paid. ‘It ain’t fair. We didn’t do it.’ You know? ‘We didn’t bring the slaves from Africa, ‘we didn’t invent oligarchy’, ‘we didn’t do all these things’, nobody is interested in our whining about how ‘we didn’t do it!’

It’s in your face and it’s clearly a crisis of two things, of consciousness and of conditioning. These are two things that the psychedelics attack. We have the technological power, the engineering skills to save our planet, to cure disease, to feed the hungry, to end war; But we lack the intellectual vision, the ability to change our minds. We must decondition ourselves from 10,000 years of bad behavior. And, it’s not easy.

-Terence McKenna

So let’s get on it everyone! We will create the new day!

The New Day is Now

Everything is new. Love is the triumph. The planet is throwing off its ugly old shell. The butterfly is emerging from the chrysalis. It’s wings are spread so wide open. A new day is dawning. Through birth pains there is new life. The butterfly soars into the air! It’s wings whip in fluttering ecstasy! It bounces through the air alive with the spirit of new imagination. And everything around echoes in concordance creating a symphony of exclamatory transcendence! This is the new day! Yes!

It is now.

Because we’ve had about enough of that crap, haven’t we?

Soar!

I’ve become something very different than when I started. I microdose and macrodose DXM (a dissociative drug similar to Ketamine), and I have transformed my consciousness to something unbelievable to me.

Author’s Note: I wrote this over two years ago, and my thoughts have changed slightly about DXM. I believe it was nearly indispensable in my awakening process, but I have some qualms about my behaviors while on it, and after a long time of taking it, it told me that I didn’t need it anymore. DXM is very powerful. It affects mood by increasing Serotonin re-uptake in the brain, similar to Prozac like drugs so it can create artificial highs that will crash upon discontinuation. I now rarely use DXM. I have been stilled by it though, and now I am on some whole other level, inside and out. My life improves every day. I have fight where there was lethargy before. I am self-actuated. So I do recommend the prudential use of DXM to do personal work, but you have to learn no-mind meditation. Please meditate if you are microdosing DXM! Contact me if you need to talk. 

I have been using DXM (Dextromethorphan) about 3-5 times a week for 5+ years now. I don’t know exactly why I use so much DXM, but I do. I find that I can tolerate it in ways that other people could not. I can now take up to 1,000mg and still do my job or any other activity. It has changed the way my brain and consciousness works. I began about 6 years ago after hearing about the new research on treating depressed people with Ketamine. Ketamine and DXM are very, very similar substances, except for one glaring difference: DXM is legal. Probably my biggest reason for DXM being my Shamanic tool of choice is its legality. I view the drug war as a giant travesty on a level with the holocaust, and using illegal drugs carries with it a large amount of karmic baggage. Plus, I’m introverted, and I’ve never been very comfortable scoring illegal drugs even though I definitely have. Lastly, DXM comes very well labeled. I know exactly what I’m buying and how much. This is a big deal to me as a scientist.

Let me say that I am aware that I am taking big risks in doing this kind of thing. I don’t believe that DXM is very toxic. It is one of the most widely consumed medications on that planet as it is in almost every cold medicine formulation. This is billions upon billions of test cases. If it were found to be toxic, it is likely that we would know by now. Of course, everything is toxic if consumed in large enough quantities, but I am actually somewhat careful about it. I am, however, prone to impulsive behavior, and well, I do what I do. I consult with my intuition and guides using divination and visualization, and I believe that their opinion is that it is positive or neutral. And I have had a very difficult life in many respects, so the risks did not seem as large to me when I took them, and I feel safe now in what I do.

It has led to psychosis in my life, and I have been hospitalized many times for various reasons, but I began using DXM because I already had a history of mental illness since I was 15.  I have come to understand the psychological roots of that psychosis through my work in the occult bodies of knowledge like Buddhism, Taoism, Hinduism, Christianity, Alchemy, Hermeticism, Qabalah, Western Science, Gnosticism, etc. I became a psychonaut because I was deeply troubled. And I say very confidently that using DXM combined with a holistic system of psychological work has reduced my confusion, depression, and anxiety. I am happy to say that it has been a year since I have been depressed or suicidal. This is a big deal to me!

There is the issue of acute (short term) psychosis with DXM that can effect anyone if the dosage is too high. The acute can manifest with DXM where the user might become paranoid that dark forces are working against him or her. I’ve also had acute situations where I thought I was dying or where time began to break down. I usually prepare a strong dosage of the sleep medication Trazodone in case these situations arise as they tend to pass when the peak dosage subsides.  DXM is a powerful consciousness stimulant, so one has to keep balance over the basics of survival. The basics of tripping apply to DXM as they do to any other substance. I actually have had more trouble with cannabis than DXM recently.

I consider myself a true psychonaut. I go out there, and I go way out there. Lately, I have been concerned about how far out I go, but my measures of life quality including peace of mind, joy, optimism, and productivity are very high. The more bizarre my trips get, the more peace I seem to have. It’s quite complicated, but I am confident that what I am doing is a good thing. The vast majority of people tend to live their lives in a larval state, and for whatever reason, I’m comfortable doing this kind of thing. I think that if you change your consciousness too fast however, it can be uncomfortable, and a strict moderation is prudent.

Over the course of my time using DXM, the effect of the drug has changed. I tend to take a micro-dose so that I can continue working, writing, composing, etc. I suppose I use it like many people use cannabis in that respect. From what I have read, most people tend to use DXM to trip as hard as possible, and I do this occasionally, but definitely not all the time. When I first began to use DXM, it was very liberating for my social anxieties, as I was able to be more comfortable in my own skin. I am a queer person, and I have transitioned genders from male to female, and this reality caused an extreme amount of awkwardness from a young age. Now, thanks in large part to DXM and transition, my gender is not something I have to think about, and I get to socialize with the people I truly want to socialize with.

Later, after a year or so of using DXM, my consciousness adapted to utilize it to feed directly into the Chi/Prana energy system. When I take it I begin to feel waves of chi vibrating through my body. As this energy becomes strong enough, I now know how to manipulate it with my mind. At first this was extremely disturbing. Not in that it feels bad but in that I was experiencing something in my body that we do not acknowledge in the western system of science. In this respect, DXM threw me off the intellectual grid, and I had to learn to adjust to this. Now I feel that stimulating my chi and moving it throughout my body has liberated me in many respects, and I am quite joyous about this discovery. But I would say that it is controversial, and it has led to a feeling of alienation.

I would say that just because you use DXM, you will not necessarily see the kind of results that I have achieved. I don’t know if my body chemistry is unique. I also think that you have to have a strong yen for the spiritual path, and I very much know that this is not common. Many of the effects I have experienced are well documented in the Tibetan Buddhist system and are called [Siddhis](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Siddhi). I know that it is controversial to say that you can know the future and read people’s minds, but this is so obvious to me now that it would be as though there were another color on the rainbow. If you saw another color on the rainbow, you wouldn’t need a vast proof to believe it, you would just see it. That being said, I am a skeptic. There is a lot of delusion in the modern world, and I have been victim to that delusion, but what I know now is what I know. I don’t know what is going on, but I know *something* is going on.

I did recently take about 7 months off from taking DXM. I quit drinking alcohol because alcohol is a really dangerous drug, and I used it in unhealthy ways. In the past year I’ve only used alcohol twice, and I feel remarkably better. The past year has been amazing because I sobered up from alcohol and really have chosen to pursue a positive life. Quitting DXM for 7 months was very helpful in understanding my personal psychology. I wanted to know if I was delusional in believing all of this Shamanic mumbo jumbo, and I still believed it and perceived it when I wasn’t using DXM, so I added DXM back into my routine. However, I have added it back in a balanced way, prioritizing work, sleep, and diet much more highly than I did in the past.

DXM has revolutionized my spiritual life. I would say that I’m primarily a Taoist, although there is much Buddhism, Christianity, and Modernism in there too. Through my energy manipulation techniques, I can see how transformed my consciousness has become. I feel as though I am a fully grown tree where I was a sapling before. Can I prove this? Not in a Reddit post, I can’t. Much of the proof is very hard to explain, but the things have been revealed to me daily for years, and they defy logical explanation. I love life. I really do. I don’t think you have to use DXM or other psychedelics to wake up to the joy in life, but for me, I don’t know how I would have done it. I also don’t think I need to use it anymore necessarily, but I do for now.

I’m very, very grateful that there is the wonderful Psychonaut community on the Internet and in life. I went to a meeting of 30+ Psychonauts last night here in Portland, and it was overwhelming. Thank you all for opening your hearts to me. Blessings. 🙂

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Why I am a happy loser. I have been shown how to walk weakly like a child without hope of gain, and all of the world unfurls before me. :)

I used to believe that in order to live a happy life I needed to be a big, strong, and striving person, always looking for someone to trample in order to be truly fulfilled. I lived like this for a very long time. In my country, the United States of America, this kind of thinking is probably the most common philosophical meme that children are given, so it was very natural for me to gravitate to this way of thinking. However, this way of thinking can lead to very odd and unintended consequences. I suppose there are a myriad ways to describe why I disagree with this way of thinking now from my love of Taoism, to the words of the Buddha, to the teachings of Krishna, but it didn’t stick until I saw exactly what it did to my soul, my being, my character.

I used to need to drink tons of alcohol and shower myself with distractions to cover up the darkness that lived within me. Also, I just wasn’t very good at the whole trampling everyone around me to get my scraps way of thinking. I was able to make a career for myself, and I made a six figure salary, but I couldn’t help becoming addicted to almost everything I touched. I grew deep in debt. I scared off anyone who might have been a potential friend. And I was constantly depressed, anxious, and suicidal.

Then when I turned 30, in a desperate move, I started to use small doses of DXM daily to help with my depression. At first, it was greatly helping me to feel lighter and happier, but I didn’t know why. DXM is a curious drug. In many ways, people find it to be a rather crude drug, but in micro doses, I found it very illuminating. And ultimately, it’s not about the drug. The drug was like a special pair of corrective eyeglasses. When you wear glasses, the glasses are not the magic, the sight is the magic. And I started to see clearly. I started to see what was going on inside of me. And at first, it was startling and terrifying.

I didn’t know what following the American dream had done to my insides. And it took years to finally understand. I won’t go into the full story here, but it took a mighty inner struggle for me to finally see what I had become. Then about one year ago today, I tried to kill myself. I still had a vestige of the notion that life should be what my ego wanted it to be. I wrote up a suicide note blaming everyone else for all of my woes. I said that I didn’t care what happened. Then as the minutes ticked down in my life, I read the note back. I sounded like a spoiled, idiotic, mean spirited, and ugly fool. I was disgusted with myself. And I looked down at myself, and I saw a flash of some sort of demon. Now, I’m not saying I was an actual demon, but that’s the way I saw it. I saw this hideously unhappy demonic face in my own belly, and it all made sense. I was the problem. And, all of the fear and tension just evaporated. It was over. I called 911, and got into an inpatient treatment program and started a long and wonderful year of recovery.

What was that demon? Well, that depends on your belief system. I think it was just a meme. I had recently been reading the works of Rudolf Steiner, a 19th century mystic/philosopher, who borrowed from Zoroastrianism quite a bit. He believed that there was a force in life called the Ahrimanic force, which was based on the Zoroastrian god Angra Mainyu. This force is all about the material world and getting more of it. He carved it to look a lot like a devil or demon, and really, this is odd, but it kind of looks like Donald Trump when he wants to look real mean and scary, lol. That’s what I saw within me, and I’m glad I did no matter what it meant, because I was able to get that anger and meanness out of my heart and put love and humility in.

Now, one year later, I haven’t wanted to kill myself since. If I think about being depressed and the voice comes in saying what a loser I am I kind of just go “oh, gosh, yeah I guess I’m a loser, what a bummer!” and then smile and move on. I suppose I realized that there really is no self to defend. Honestly, that flash of insight was so beyond words, that I can’t describe it. I just know I’m happy being small, and I don’t care. I walk with the love in my heart as my lamp. That angry man is still there, but he is so confused by my constant laughing that he doesn’t know what to do. Hahaha! Silly, angry man.

I don’t have much in terms of material wealth, and I am more dependent on others than I’ve ever been, but my heart literally overflows with the waters of love and redemption. I’ve learned to live as a child. Children before a certain age do not look to conquer everything with words of domination in their minds. Children know their own helplessness. They know their interdependence. Human children are literally some of the most helpless animals on the planet, and yet, they are its absolute greatest treasure. I choose to live as a child, a happy loser, offering only my gift of love, and I have found something called peace.

Be well my friends.

If you’ve taken psychedelics and your mind has been blown and you want to run into the street and tell everyone. Let’s talk first. This is my story. How can I help you?

OK, so I’ve been there. My mind has been blown. It’s epic. It’s life changing. But you are not cleared for takeoff, and if you go out and make all of these rash decisions based on that newfound awareness, there might be some consequences. Now, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t rush out and quit your job or something, but I have done those things, and it was rough, and I don’t know if I’d do it differently, but I think that education is important. There is a reason that in indigenous communities when a young person is showing signs of shamanism (that sounds hilarious I know it), an elder shaman will come and guide that young padawan, as best as he or she can. I’m not saying I’m that person, but in modern America, where Shamanism is effectively illegal, it can be a very dangerous place for such a flowering.

About 6 years ago, I started to microdose DXM. I did it during the day, not so much as to walk around like robo-the-clown, but enough to put me into a significant consciousness shift. I was able to see what was going on in my life, and I was not very amused. I worked as a computer engineer for a large, well known software company in Los Angeles. The reason I started to use DXM was not to touch God’s balls or something, it was because I was chronically depressed and suicidal, and I heard that Ketamine was being tested as an anti-depressant, and I knew that DXM and Ketamine were very similar substances. So, I started to use a small amount throughout the day. It was very effective. I finally had some space in my head, and for whatever reason, I was still able to do my rather challenging engineering work while taking it. That was the first splosion. (Pooof!)

After a while of taking DXM regularly, I noticed that I was pretty much transgender. Well, to put it a different way, I noticed that my gender was a huge hangup for me. I had been constantly confused about my sexuality and gender presentation since I was a boy, and the microdosing DXM made these things clearer because it muted the social fear. I had my next splosion (Pooof!) and I realized that I was transgender and needed to do something about it. OK, so now we’re rolling on the life revolution train here, two splosions strong.

I kept microdosing DXM because it was seriously helping my mental health. And I was full of fire and paranoia at this point thinking that basically everyone is a sleepwalking idiot, and no one examines themselves because they’re all terrified all the time, which is kind of true, but it’s more complicated than that. My ex wife had now taken me to court for custody of my two children, and this was a torturous experience. I was trying to live my life as the gender that I felt would keep me from wanting to kill myself, and I’m very glad I got through all of this stuff. It was wonderful stuff. But my life started to unravel. I began to drink alcohol again to deal with the social alienation. I’m not going to make this into some sort of morality play about addiction, but addiction is part of my story.

Now that I’m going two splosions strong, and I’ve been rejected from most of my family, I’m able to go even deeper with the psychedelic usage, and I start using even more DXM as well as other things. At this point DXM and I started to form some sort of weird symbiosis. Its effects changed, and it became more, well it’s really hard to explain, but I started to get these weird out of body effects and my chi field started to become very strong. It pulsed and swirled and vibrated around me like I was being transported in Star Trek. Splosion 3 (Pooof!). It was so weird, and I was able to manipulate this energy field, and project the energy out like a laser. I felt as though I was receiving a cosmic download. I started to talk about it too. I tried to tell people what was going on. This did not end well. I now post anonymously and have a split life because the consequences were very severe. I was assumed to be a crazed, schizophrenic druggie. At one point I was actually possessed by a higher intelligence, and my actions and speech was controlled by what I now know to be my atman, or higher self. But at the time, it was just crazyville to everyone around me. And, you won’t have the Bhagavad Gita memorized at this point, you’ll just know that something freaky is going on, and you need to tell people about it.

At the 3 splosion level, you very well might be hospitalized or given a diagnosis. I was given bipolar disorder with psychotic effects or maybe schizoaffective disorder depending on the doctor. They started me on meds that were so toxic that I became suicidal from the side effects of the meds. My life at this point was beyond confusing. I thought I was losing it. Who could I trust? Don’t they understand that there is all this stuff they don’t know?! No, they don’t. They don’t care. The system will shut. you. down. Scientific Materialism arose out of the end of the middle ages as an “antidote” to the problems associated with mysticism and spirituality. It is masterfully efficient at killing that spark. You will not go on YouTube and create a video that will spark a revolution at the 3 splosion level. There is a Zen proverb that says “Before I sought enlightenment, the mountains were mountains and the rivers were rivers. While I sought enlightenment, the mountains were not mountains and the rivers were not rivers. After I attained enlightenment, the mountains were mountains and the rivers were rivers.” At the 3 splosion level, rivers are not rivers. Your consciousness has been blown apart and scattered, but it will come back together. This is the Shamanic journey: You are born. You grow up some. Then you realize you need to make your consciousness for your own specific life, so you blow it up and take it apart. Then you put it back together. This is rebirth. But at the 3 splosion level, you are still blowed up, and let’s just say it’s unlikely that you’ll be able to be the Plato of 2017 and change all of human consciousness with your divinely given wisdom.

OK, so back to my story. My life was fucked. I lost my kids. I quit my job because I thought it was a bunch of corporate bullshit. I transitioned genders. I moved. My family was seriously tired of dealing with me. I became dependent on a friend for shelter. I wasn’t sure if I was God or if I was a broken android who couldn’t feed itself. This was the darkness. I was in and out of hospitals for over a year. I ended up living in my car.

And then… cohesion. It happened. It happened when I had a massive suicide attempt. I took 250 toxic pills. I thought that I was going to go to God or whatever. I thought that this planet was the worst. I wrote out a suicide note.

And then I read the note back to myself. It consisted of me telling everyone how fucked up they were, and how it was all their fault. It was petty. It was petulant. I was doing a real splosion, the sad kind, that would have wreaked havoc all over my family, friends, and children’s lives forever.

I had already taken the pills at this point. I was starting to get diarrhea as my body desperately tried to reject the poison. I sat there and thought “I’m not enlightened. I’m an asshole.” And splosion 4 (pooof!).

I called 911. I got into a great inpatient treatment program. They helped me get my life back on track. I quit using all substances for like 9 months. I got a job. I learned to take care of myself. Eventually, I started using DXM again, but it’s different now. It’s just a simple consciousness booster. I quit drinking for good. I rarely smoke weed anymore. And something is different.

When I sat in that room and read that suicide note back to myself, I saw a literal demon in my belly. He’s still there. He’s my ego. He can be a real bastard. So I stopped listening to his bullshit. And when that happened, a flower bloomed in my heart. You can call it Christ, or Krishna or Buddha, but it’s there. It came that night, and it didn’t leave. I’m still a complicated person. I have to watch my behaviors, but there is a lotus in my heart now. And it throbs with kindness and joy. I have peace.

I have almost nothing materially. I’m super in debt. I live in a place with way too many roommates. I don’t know what’s going to happen. But I found my peace. Now I just want to be happy and kind.

So, if anyone here is suffering through the splosions, let me know. Maybe I can help. Maybe I can’t. Love is real. It is a rose that blooms in your heart. And when it flowers you will be as a little child, forever at play.